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All work and no play does make Jack a dull boy, but all play and no work makes Jack a broke boy. Doing what needs to be done when it needs to be done is not as difficult as it sounds. In fact, there is a great feeling of momentum you gain when you know you are doing the things that most people are not willing to do. That’s the very nature of "getting ahead."
Here are some good questions that will challenge these negative beliefs:
1. What hard evidence do you have to show this belief is working for me? For instance, "It’s selfish to stand up for myself." How do you know? Did someone tell you that? If someone did, who? Why? How do they know? What authority are they in the area of standing up for oneself? Could they be mistaken? If it’s selfish for you than it must be selfish for everyone. How does anyone then justify the need to stand up for themselves? Is everyone who stands up for themselves selfish? Is it right that everyone but you should be able to stand up for yourself? Over the years, has not standing up for yourself caused you more pain or gain? I bet you get a short-term gain of having this as an excuse not to stand up for yourself, which has resulted in long-term pain.
2. What strategy can I use to help me replace this belief with a more productive one? Now that you see that not standing up for yourself is causing you long-term pain, you want to use that realization to propel the transformation. You want to associate pain with keeping quiet. Lot’s of pain. This doesn’t mean become a hypersensitive blowhard; it just means to develop a strategy for speaking up for yourself.
Here’s a good strategy that has worked well for me. As someone who has battled shyness all his life, I spend a lot of time finding the right words to say in situations like this. When either someone says something or someone does something, I too had a hard time standing up for myself. This is what I trained myself to do. It will work for you and give you momentum to change the belief, especially when you start to enjoy the benefits of doing so.
When someone says something that I feel I need to stand up to, I say, "Maybe I missed something, but that doesn’t seem fair to me. Let me see if I’m clear on this…" Then I will restate what they said and explain why I don’t think that’s fair. If someone does something that I feel I need to stand up to, I say, "Sir, I’m sure you didn’t mean to cut in line…" This way you are giving them the benefit of the doubt rather than being confrontational.
This borrows, like a lot of my strategies, from the Japanese martial arts of aikidos’ principle of align and redirect. Rather than confront the person, you align with them, "Let me make sure I’m clear on what you said…" and "I’m sure you didn’t mean to…" are examples of aligning with someone and then redirecting them to understand your point of view.
3. How can I now reframe this belief to help me instead of hinder me? This belief, it’s selfish to stand up for myself, can now be reframed into, I have the right to stand up for myself and the obligation to my future to do so.
Standing up for myself is just one of many patterns of thought and belief systems that I have personally worked on through the years to improve my life and destroy my self-doubt.
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