Many are the ways of giving advice yet if we consider the matter closely what is it that a person does when he or she advises someone on a particular issue? In my opinion what that person is doing is telling another person what it is he or she should do under certain circumstances yet it has been my observation that at times people forget one very important factor. It being that we are not the person whom we are giving advice to. This fact meaning that just because we would do something for a reason, another person might do the same thing motivated by something complete different. For my part it was once when giving advice to someone that I discovered many things on how it should be done in a way that took the other person's feelings and ideas in to consideration.
It all started one night many years ago when I was living in Argentina in 1982. I was fifteen at the time and on my way to a party at a friend's house with another friend who had brought along another friend of his. It being this friend of this friend of mine who I met for the first time. I to be honest did not notice much about him other than he having his arm in a bandage and being considerably bigger than me. It was in conversation while on our way to the party that he revealed that the bandage on his arm was because he had gotten in to a fight on the street with somebody he did not know.
The details of which went more or less as follows. It taking place while he was walking down the street when somebody whistled at him which I gather he took as a sign that he was being called gay. This prompting his reaction which came in the form of a swift kick in that most intimate area, after which the man he kicked fell against a wall. At that point this man who had temporarily crippled his adversary might have been satisfied with his victory yet he was not as he chose to follow it up with a punch however it was then that his victim fell (no longer able to stand the pain from the first blow) and he hit the wall hard which led to his arm being injured.
It was then that I got the impression that this was a person who in my opinion felt the need to prove perhaps his manhood or ability to fight; not only to others but perhaps to the most difficult of all to convince and this being himself. I however though must say that I refrained from comment and in all honesty can not say I gave creed to his story, believing it might have been like it did not have to be a factual account yet it was his version of the events that led to his having his arm bandaged.
Once at the party there was a fight between two people who in all sincerity I did not know and though it did not get to real blows, it was a conflict that could have been turned in to something more serious had some lost their control. It however would set the mood and even motivate my friend's mother (whose house the party was being held at) to declare that if another incident of a similar nature occurred the party would be cancelled for the night.
I can't say I know how much time went by yet after sometime it occurred that another fight was ready to start and not surprisingly my friend's friend with his arm in a bandage was the one who was involved. It would be between him and another young man who was just as tall as he was but more well built in not so much having muscles but fat. I remember seeing my friend's friend whose name in all reality I never got sitting. As if he were getting ready to fight with many standing around him telling him how stupid the idea of his to fight was though none were giving him reasons as to why.
It was at one moment when he was left alone that I felt the need to attempt to convince him not to fight, not only with wishes not to have our party ended but to prevent what I felt easily could and should be. I proceeded in what become a monologue on my part as he did not reply but simply looked up at me when he felt I said what caught his attention in a speech that went as follows.
- You picked a fight against a big guy.
It being then that he looked at me with almost anger as he wanted to either go fight the guy in question or worse yet me. I at that moment saw my error as such talk could not only fail to dissuade somebody but do the total opposite so before he had a chance to say anything I continued.
- Now, I am not saying you can't take him (which relaxed his stare) but you got a bad arm and hey maybe even with that bad arm you can still get the job done but you could end up doing more harm to your arm than you have already done and this time you won't recover so fast, even if you do beat him now I ask you is it worth it? (at that point I was tempted to say it was not) This only you can say.
At this point I felt my arguments were winning him over not to fight yet I went on remembering how I felt his was to prove to others or perhaps to himself what he was capable of.
- Now if you are doing this to prove you're a big guy who can fight this you don't need to since we all now you can fight but you're also an intelligent guy who understands more than just fighting.
This is always a good idea to say that somebody is either intelligent and can reason as few will say they are not. I then continued as follows.
- If you fight they will send us home now you didn't come here to ruin everybody's party or I hope you did not.
At this point I must say I felt my logic had became his yet I went on as I could see he felt guilty at being the cause or part of it which would put an end to the good time most were having.
- Now, I don't know what went on between you two but he is willing to forget it and perhaps you could too or was it so important that you need to do this? This again only you can answer.
At that moment I paused for him to reply though I felt he would do so only to himself and as I looked at him I got a sensation that I had been successful where others had failed. I was then convinced he would not fight yet I added for good measure the final words which I would ever speak to him. As I never saw or spoke to him again yet my words will last forever in my memory.
- Another thing is that if you don't fight (not wanting to assume he would not) nobody will think the worse of you or much less that you are afraid.
It was after these words and his not answering that I was sure he would not fight as I could see in his eyes that he could not see a reason why physical conflict was necessary yet had come to realize that perhaps it would not be wise or considerate to others.
It was this that taught me something which I used again whenever convincing people to do what I felt was appropriate. First being that telling people they are incapable of something is sometimes a good way to motive them. Second that telling people their ideas are perhaps bad or stupid is also not a good strategy because they obviously do not see them as such for if they did they would not be going through with them. This however must not be interpreted that we should not try to convince people but that the best way I have seen to operate with most is telling them not our conclusions but the facts that led us to think as we do. Many were telling this young man that fighting would be stupid yet none could or would say what about it was what perhaps was not so wise and though their arguments were not bad they did not take in to consideration that he was one who to a certain extent needed to prove something to others or himself which in fact he did not need to.
This was another valuable lesson I learnt that night on persuading others and it being that though some might have been convinced by one argument others might not be. As an example I might give how some will not kill another human being for money on moral grounds yet some are not concerned with such issues and it is to those that other logic should be presented. It being the one that if they kill another person they might get caught and have to either spend a long time in prison or be executed which would make them not commit murder.
To sum it all up I believe it was to my credit that I was able to prevent this young man from fighting and not by insulting him or his intensions but by making him come to the conclusion for himself that perhaps there were alternatives to what his intensions had been. I however am also of the idea that it was likewise to his credit that in the heat of passion and anger he was able to see that there were other ways to resolve conflict that did not always include violent confrontations.
