If you are looking for information on 1 night stands or how to get someone in bed, look elsewhere. This is meant for people who understand the value of a true relationship and are in one that they may not be sure about anymore. Only you can come to this conclusion, but I hope this can help you reach the right one. I have been in relationships that were wrong for me but tried to hold on because I was in doubt, as well as helped others in similar situations. Who doesn't love to meet their soul mate and have a happy relationship. It is one of the best feelings in the world. However, many people will stay in a toxic relationship rather than face being single. It is human nature to want to hold onto something familiar, even though many times you ignore common warning signs while doing so. The following are some signs I have noted in many relationships that are in their final days:
1. You catch your partner lying. To me, this is the most dangerous one because lets be honest, how do you spend the rest of your life with and trust someone who you know has no problem lying to you. Communication and honesty are 2 building blocks of every successful relationship and trying to build one without them is the equivalent of building your house on a foundation of quicksand. Think about it, who wants to have to constantly figure out if their partner is lying. It puts you under a tremendous amount of stress.
2. Feeling the need to “walk on eggshells.” This can come from a variety of things but usually is because your partner has a bad habit of seemingly looking for things to personally attack you on. They will take the tiniest detail or incident and bend and twist it and blow it out of proportion to make you feel guilty. Even when you try to smooth things over and apologize, often they will continue to give you the silent treatment or keep bringing it up rather than let it go. Face it, do you really want to have to deal with this kind of behavior the rest of your life? It is exhausting and frustrating.
3. Your partner purposely says hurtful or insulting things to you then almost immediately apologizes, saying something like “I just couldn't control/help myself, I'm so sorry.” Ok, everyone says things they wish they could take back at some point because nobody is perfect. I am referring to when this becomes a trend you notice over and over again. They do not want to accept responsibility for their actions and will blame everyone but themselves for it. The truth of the matter is, a genuine apology should be accompanied with actions. If they were truly sorry for their behavior they would not keep repeating it. Words mean nothing without actions to prove them.
4. Absolutely any form of abuse. It does not matter if this is emotional or physical, it is a sign you need to get out of your relationship as soon as possible. Anyone who abuses you does not love you, and they are in need of mental help. Abuse is a way for them to make you feel weak and keep a stranglehold on you. Any time you try to speak up or voice yourself, they are quick to silence you with words or actions and make you feel worthless. This makes you feel like you have no right to discuss your feelings because of negative consequences that will follow. By using threats they can control you as long as you allow them to. Abusive people often exhibit abnormal jealousy toward your friends and family when there is nothing to be jealous of because deep down they are insecure and do not want you to break their hold on you.
5. They begin talking about themselves excessively while completely ignoring you. Many times this is accompanied by a false sense of entitlement, double standards, a materialistic attitude, and vanity. These are the classic calling cards of a narcissistic person. They have no regard for your thoughts or feelings yet feel the entire world owes them something and revolves around them. They will often distort the truth or tell flat out lies about you to someone else making it appear as if everything is your fault in the relationship. If someone is extremely fickle they are terrible in relationships because they have no sense of loyalty to anyone but themselves. This only gets worse with time as they lose focus totally on you and “get bored.” In my experience, these people have very unrealistic expectations. They expect perfection, but it does not exist, so they are never satisfied.
6. Everyone is telling you the relationship is a mistake, but you continue to rationalize your partner's irrational behavior to your family and friends. This is a touchy subject because it can go both ways. You may come from a dysfunctional family or have friends who are dysfunctional and do not like your partner because s/he is a good guy/girl and they are jealous. I have seen that a few times in my experience. However, much of the time these people see things that you are blinded to because of your feelings toward your partner. This is one warning sign you really have to take some time out to research yourself and make sure you come to the right conclusion on because it is not an absolute but many times is a warning sign if you find yourself rationalizing bad behaviors by your partner.
7. You have tried to break it off, but the person becomes hysterical, threatening, sometimes even threatens to kill themselves. This usually is accompanied by a promise of change, and the person will give you just enough change for a little while to get you back on their hook. People who do this are controlling manipulators. They appeal to your sympathy and try to get you to remember “the good times.” If someone continues to promise to change but does not come through on that promise, they simply will not. However, they know you well enough that they can continue to offer you just enough that you will consider not breaking up. This change is always short-lived, usually for a few weeks, sometimes as little as a few days, and they are right back to their old self again. This is a vicious cycle that will continue for as long as you allow it to. The only way out of it is to break it off for good no matter how much of a fight they put up or start kicking and screaming. If they do something irrational is it really your fault? Are you expected to just keep putting up with a relationship that is making you miserable? Suppose the worst does happen and they do actually go through with killing themselves (which usually does not happen). Is it really your fault? Are they your responsibility? Anyone with these kind of mood swings has mental issues that are out of your control. It is usually nothing more than another trick up their sleeve to keep you wavering and make you feel guilty.
8. You find yourself living in the past when it comes to your relationship. Even though things aren't going well and are dragging you down now, you remember the “good old times” and fantasize that someday if you continue to put up with this mess they will return. This is another misconception. In the initial stages of a relationship, both people are always on their best behavior. Many times people put up a false image of themselves that does not exist, and you actually fall in love with that image. It is the image you are thinking of when you remember the good times and memories. Most likely that person never actually existed; it was just a way to get you to fall hard for them. This is easier said than done, but you have to come to this conclusion and separate the image from the true person. The sooner you understand that the image was never actually legitimate, the easier it is to move on. You can not wait your whole life for a false image of someone to return. It is extremely difficult but possible with the right mindset and attitude to get past this.
Slam the door shut and stick to it!
So you think you have finally gotten up the nerve to end this toxic relationship once and for all? Great, but this is much easier said than done. However, if you keep your head up and your future in mind it is possible. The main thing is cutting off all contact with this person, NO EXCEPTIONS. Do not answer phone calls or text messages. Block emails, myspace profiles, instant messages, etc. If you leave the door open just a crack, they can get their foot in and force themselves back inside. You have to adjust to life without them and be serious about moving on. If you keep them around, they will surely keep you confused and doubting yourself. Don't just shut the door, also paint over it and move the bookcase in front of it. Did I mention that if you crack that door just a bit to peek outside they will put their foot in and force it open with promises of change and a return to the “good old times.” Sooner or later you just have to face the facts and move on or stay miserable. The choice is solely yours, but you can not play both sides no matter how much you may want to. If you have an emotional attachment to someone, you can not be objective toward them because you see them through your emotions rather than logic. These points should help you stay focused enough to get the ball rolling on achieving this most unpleasant task.
1. Remember this is for your own good. Often, controlling or manipulative people work at you so much that you begin to actually feel guilty and doubt yourself, falling right into their trap. Whenever you try to end the relationship you all of a sudden get cold feet and feel guilty, as if you let them down or are abandoning them when they need you. This leads to the wrong person ironically feeling the blame in a failed relationship rather than the person at fault.
2. Do not believe their continued promises of change. How many times have they already promised the same thing, only to go right back to normal at the first sign of your accepting them back. If someone has tried to play the same trick on you 10 times, why will the 11th time be any different?
3. In my experiences, most the time ex's can not “be friends.” The exception to this rule is a relationship where both people mutually want it to end. That will work just fine if you want to be friends. However, when 1 person loves another and that love is not returned, any attempt at friendship will be awkward because deep down that person is still in love with you, not just viewing you as a friend. Many times, people will try to keep you around by using the “just friends” trick. It is seemingly harmless, but you will soon realize that it is just not working out like you thought it would.
4. You can not “fix” this person. Only the individual can fix themselves. If they do not want to change, it will not happen no matter how much you try to force it. Do not beat yourself up over this and feel like you maybe could have done more and they would not be like this. Everyone makes their choices and must live with them. They are not your responsibility. You have your own life to focus on and keep in order, unless you want to take on a partner to babysit 24/7 or raise like a child.
Establish future boundaries, but make them reasonable.
So often people get completely jaded and bitter over a failed relationship. All this does is make you suffer even more. So you got taken advantage of? It happens to the best of us. Realize that you were not wrong to offer this person kindness and love, they were wrong to take advantage of you. Becoming bitter and saying things like “all men are pigs” or “all women are liars” will only keep you bitter and alone. However, some people when hurt choose to build up walls around themselves. The flaw in this action is that those walls serve two purposes, one that helps you but another that hurts you. They keep bad people out of your life, but on the flipside they prevent a potentially great partner from entering your life because you focus all your energy on trying to put up a front and act tough like nobody will ever get to you again. It is equally harmful to be completely vulnerable or to have impenetrable walls surrounding you, just in different ways. You should definitely learn from your experiences, though. If there were things your ex did that you would never tolerate in another person, be sure to make a note of them, perhaps even make a list of 5 or 10 things you feel that a potential partner for you must have. You want to have standards, just do not expect perfection out of anyone in the future because as human beings all of us are flawed. By expecting perfection, you will come up empty every time. Becoming bitter and self-absorbed is not the answer. As stated earlier, keep in mind you were not wrong for trying to be kind, forgiving, loving, accepting, and understanding. The person who took advantage of you was in the wrong. If you stop doing those things, that person wins in your life by preventing you from finding happiness as long as you stay bitter and self-absorbed with walls surrounding you.
