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Every day I wake up and reach for the alarm clock. 3 years ago I would have opened my eyes, pushed the flashing box aside, to reach for something far more welcoming. An anxious thought would have flashed through my mind. Did I leave some for the morning?, Did I think ahead to make sure that my thirst could be quenched the instant I regain consciousness? What time do the shops open? What about my special hiding place? Ah, no need to worry. Got some. The first gulp does the trick, though having a job holding the bottle. Must be cold in here, or I slept on my arm because the nerve in my hand is shaking. Its all in the mind, and if I wish it to stop shaking, then it must do. I feel the hot liquid bite the back of my throat, and slide its way down to my stomach. The effect is almost instant. The shaking has stopped. But now my stomach seems to be flinching. A spasmodic tightening, as if last nights dinner may make a reappearance. What did I have? Did I have anything? memory seems to be a little off, just recently. Having trouble remembering things that I only did yesterday. Yesterday. That was Saturday wasnt it?, or was it Sunday?. Think. What was on TV. Oh of course. Its Tuesday. Alarm clock is going off because its time for work. Good job I have got my routine in the mornings. Dont have to think about it. Just go into auto-pilot. Having trouble thinking lately, also. Right, shower first, need one. Clammy. Actually, must have been hot last night. Sweated quite a bit. Oh no. That explains it. Didnt put all the symptoms together. Hot sweats, shakes, thirsty, loss of appetite, upset stomach, feeling tired though I sleep soundly. Ive got the flu. Something warming required. Gulp, gulp. All gone. Get some more on the way. They can serve alcohol at 8.00am in the morning. They did last week. Though might go to a different store this time. Dont want them getting the wrong impression, that I really need it. Tuesday. Ah yes, thats the corner shop next to the bank. Got a different one depending on the day of the week. Having to get a bottle every day takes some degree of planning. Shower felt good. Could have spent all day in there. Vigorously brush my teeth, with that extra minty paste. Mouthwash to finish the job. Swallowed it though, despite what the bottle says. Mint is good for settling the stomach. Getting dressed seems to take a little longer than my routine is used to. Trousers tighter round the waist, and shoes and socks more of a squeeze than last year. Got to eat more healthily I suppose. Though I must be looking quite good because more than one person has asked whether I had been abroad. Skin looking tanned, I'm told. Yellowy golden hue. Went on holiday 6 months ago, but must be the type of person who naturally tans. Gotta dash, shop open in a moment. And have just got enough change for that litre of Vodka, that should see me through till the morning. Not enough left for anything to go with it. Fast forward to today. Looking back, the clues are there. Shakes, sweats, fluid retention, yellowing of skin, memory loss, planning, scheming, tiredness. If this was the story of anyone else, then I would be concerned for them. Knowing what I do now, I would try to save a life. Others had to do it for me. It took the doctors to explain to me that another drink would kill me. That having to drain 21 litres of fluid,, riddled with toxins that my body wasnt processing, was flooding my organs from the inside. That my liver is scarred through abuse, and would not recover. That only I can choose what I do next. That was 2 years ago, and August 14th 2007, and was the last time I drank alcohol. I now realise that the reasons I drank, were not solved by drinking. The problems that seemed to dissappear, with the 40% ABV medicine, never went away. It can be done. Its not easy, but as with anything, the rewards are proportional to the effort. Self esteem. Confidence. Pride. Stubbornness to some degree. Health. Life, as told by an alcoholic.
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