When you don't want a divorce, but your partner does, there is a pulling force that clashes the two wills of each of you. One is pulling the other is pushing. This causes two things...
* Tension
* And Stress
There are a few methods I've discovered that can deflect your partners blows much like a grappling cage fighter uses his opponents strength and energy to be used against him. This "psychological judo" move can make your partners painful blows of wanting to leave you be turned against them into your advantage when you don't want a divorce. It's okay to tell your spouse once, "I don't want a divorce" but you don't want to over do this part and only bring it up once. After that keep your mouth shut and don't argue or plead with them to save the marriage.
What you're going to be doing next at this point is to get back on their good side and start building up the re-attraction process. You can do this by stopping the tension, and stop creating the stress. You remove tension and stress EASILY by going along with their wishes and agreeing with everything they say.
I know this sounds counter-intuitive, and even a bit scary. But it's how you communicate to your partner subconsciously with "psychological judo" moves, "I don't want a divorce," without actually saying it. AND getting them to agree with you on the same subconscious level. As long as you're not clashing your wills and communicating you want something different then they want. This is not how you win. Instead you are agreeing with them and that's how they suddenly become aware that you're now going along with their wishes. This is a way of communication that doesn't clash with the will of your partner. For now this is how you start to win back your partner's love, with what is referred to by psychologists as "negative suggestibility." It means you are reacting to the opposite suggestion.
When the other person is pulling away from you or wanting a divorce or wanting separation, they are almost automatically on the opposite side of any fence that they perceive you as being on. So this is the psychological judo move you are using on them when you don't want a divorce but they are insisting... you simply go with them. Move WITH them like you would in an actual Judo maneuver.
Here are the methods you can practice that have this psychological Judo effect:
1. Stop pleading, arguing, crying, whining, blaming, and criticizing.
2. Agree with your partner.
3. Don't make excuses or defend yourself
4. Try to "appear" happy
When you are working to get your partner to work with you on the problems, and you're telling them how you don't want a divorce, this only works against you as they are pulling away even more quickly. For the lack of a better way to put it... you want to just keep your mouth shut. You want to agree with them and stop trying to convince them otherwise of their decision, and even appear happy about it.
The reason is because your partner will have a defensive wall that is placed up front, and if they want a divorce, there is no way you're going to convince them otherwise. Their negative emotions are at the forefront of their mind and when you attempt to reason with that, it is the equivalent of telling them that their feelings are incorrect. This will cause the wall to go up even higher and become more solid.
Any type of small talk should be brief and happy. Don't resume to the old ways of trying to bring up the fact that you don't want a divorce still, but keep it light and happy. You can stick to practical things such as:
* "Should I drop the check off, or mail it?"
* "What time should I pick up the kids?"
* "Sorry, but I just can't right now. How about i make arrangements for another time... what's best for you?"
This begins to make the wall shrink, and the feelings of two wills clashing will subside in time. Eventually her feelings of negativity towards you will be supported by the feeling that something is different, and something has changed. Maybe I want you to come closer.
Whenever you tell your partner that you've changed, you are in fact stating in their mind that you haven't. "But I love you, and I don't want a divorce" does not support the feelings your partner may have. It is only going to cause them to pull away faster and the fact in their mind that you haven't changed.
Rather, you will be letting them come up with that conclusion on their own. You can't get your partner back or stop a divorce if you are pressuring, disagreeing, and pushing for your way. Your partner will see this as the same unchanged person they wanted to get away from, and it will only serve the purpose of making you miserable.
There are many +Love+Back/articles/4/Don+t+Want+Divorce+But+My+Spouse" " great resources that can help you save your marriage if you don't want a divorce. You just have to seek out the experts and find a complete system that works for you.
Most couples can find that they are capable of working through any issue and problem with enough love for their partner. When that love starts to turn cold, and love becomes weak... it is not enough to simply work through the issues.
I strongly urge you to find out how stopping a divorce is not difficult, but rather a simple strategy that can help you learn how to get back that love and passion that can mend most marriages.
