I exist as I am and that is enough -Walt Whitman I don't think Walt Whitman met someone with an Eating Disorder
I am 12 - I got braces - I started gymnastics and I am going to compete next year. Why can't I be like everybody else? I need to go on a diet.I got on the scale this morning,Big mistake, I didn't see my number, Now my day is ruined - I have to get there, Then my life will be perfect, I will be perfect, Small, thin and beautiful.
I hate school, I am stupid, no one likes me. If I say anything, it sounds dumb;in school, at home, anywhere. It is safer not to say anything,than risk sounding dumb.God -I need to be beautiful, I need to be 100 lbs. I start to cry, I don't want to be short and fat my entire life Where is that number? Maybe if I take a hot shower, Yes -that's it - hot enough to melt the fat away, Try the scale again, It didn't work.I look in the mirror - My stomach is huge. When I am 100 pounds my stomach will be flat, I will get higher scores in gymnastics, I will be happy, life will be different.
I am in High School - I want to be invisible. I am not smart, I am not popular, I am not pretty, I am not 100 pounds. I go to class, I can't concentrate. What will I have for Lunch? How will I get through dinner? I just want out of here.I want to be attractive, I want to be 100 lbs., If I am not 100lbs then I am not important, I wanted to disappear.There are six kids in the house,things would be better if they didn't have me to deal with.
Food is my life - Who is it safe to eat with? What can I eat? When can I eat?I want to be the first one done, so I can do the dishes, get out of there and not talk to anyone. I start to write. No one to laugh at me. No one to tell me "It's not right". My secret is safe and hidden. I failed another test today. I am so stupid. If I could get to 100 pounds, I would be 100 percent.
My New Plan: To 100 pounds and independent - My eating disorder said an independent person never asks for help and never lets anyone see them cry.My new E-D rules: 1. Reach 100 Pounds 2. Don't get mad - people only like you if you are happy. 2. Don't cry or people will leave. 3.Do not ask for help or people will think less of you. 4. Don't look stupid or people will laugh. 5. Don't talk or people will ignore you. 6. BE PERFECT Note to self: I can't do anything right so I should apologize ahead of time for everything.
I graduated from High School and got a job at a summer camp. I could eat and burn it off by exercising and no one will notice. - I WAS WRONG- I was wearing a sweatshirt when it was really hot - I was cold -I got dizzy -I never took a break -I needed to be in control -I was the leader. My friends told me I looked sick -I said I was fine - They didn't care, they carried me to the nurse and told her if I said I was "fine" not to believe me. I am just trying to be responsible.My eating disorder came with me everywhere. For ten years -my E-D came to camp telling me "This is the summer I am going to lose weight" Don't be lazy-Don't take time off. Eventually,every summer, my body would break down and I would get sick.
Fall 1991 - My friends at school notice my eating or not eating. What do I tell them? How do I get out of this? People are worried about me, I don't answer my phone. What do they know? I am just fine.
Fall 1992 - My roommates are mean -A friend from work helps me move out. My grades drop -I get kicked out of school. Jan 1993 I get back into school. My best friend was there to support me. Her life is perfect, she is always happy, confident and real. She loves herself. She is not 100 pounds and she is beautiful.
May 1993 - I go to Sierre Leone in Africa, It is so hot, I can't eat. My roommates told me I was going to get sick if I didn't eat. "I have a sensitive stomach" When I did eat I heard "Look, she is eating"
July 1993 -I went to Pittsburgh, PA to do service. People like me when I do nice things -I am Superwoman - If you need me I am there. They wouldn't let me do the dishes. They made me sit at the table- They wanted to hear my voice- I am better at Listening.
Jan. 1994 - My best friend died today -it should have been me instead -she had so much ahead of her-she was only 22-I hate winter. Call her parents, ask if there is anything you can do, tell them you are fine. Help carry the casket, sure, I can do that. When do you need me there? Tomorrow -Fine- Stay busy - Whatever you do, stay busy-Don't stop,Don't feel, Don't cry, Move on.Back at school I stay busy, every minute,every hour, every day. If I stop my world will fall apart. All of my E-D rules will be broken. My friends at school ask: How are you? I am fine. They don't believe me. Why can't they just leave me alone? December 2004 - Finally, Graduation, No one to bother me.
June 1995 -I am the Assistant Camp Director.I came home from Picking up my kids who were backpacking,and found out that our nurse,my very good friend,had died during the night. Move- Move -Whatever you do-don't stop moving,Don't feel, Don't cry, Don't be real.Walk laps -check on the campers - How are you? I am fine.
January 1996 -I am moving to Minnesota to get my Master's degree, No one bothers me and my food. In June I return to camp ,Then to Michigan for an internship. It is ok for a little while (I pretend) Then, they catch on, to my food -my isolation, my not wanting to talk. Thank God it is only for 3 months.Then it is back to Minnesota.
June 1997,Graduation,I have my Master's degree, now what? I need another job one where no one knows me, Far away - Alaska is good - send resume -interview -two weeks later on the plane, No-I am not home sick -I am fine. Six months in -they are threatening to send me home,They think I am suicidal ,I am fine! They would never understand.
September 1999 -Onto Rhode Island. They caught on more quickly than I hoped. Walking laps at night - never talking, Watching my food,doing shots of alcohol on Sunday. If you don't see me do them; I didn't actually do them -right? God -why is everyone else so happy?
January-May 2000-Done with Rhode Island,Moving on to North Carolina to stay with friends.They are treating me like a child,I am not a child ,I am an Adult.Back to OH for camp and then to IL to work with High school students.God- I am miserable,people irritate me,they tease me. I want them to leave me alone. I walk -My food is there,I can't get away with not eating ,I am starting to drink again,I am binging too, Eat it fast - Then the pain will be over.
I think I need help.Why won't anyone listen to me? All I hear is: You look healthy to me.What makes you think you have an Eating Disorder? Just eat from all the food groups and you'll be fine.If they were inside my head they would understand.I got surgery today - no ulcer -They told me it was just stress.
I had my wisdom tooth pulled today.I didn't want to take the pain medicine,I did anyway. When I did -it made all the pain go away, physical or not.I took it until the bottle was gone - I got poison ivy -so I refilled it. I was itching last night and took two every three hours. At least I felt better.
Today I went to see me counselor abd he irritated me. When I went home I inhaled a value meal, 16 oz of alcohol and 2 vikodin. I was lying on the couch and my roommates were bugging me -asking me what was wrong. I told them what I did and they took my vikodin away from me. They don't get it! I finally found a counselor I like and she said that I didn't have an Eating Disorder -I just needed to work onbody image, self-confidence and other stuff. God -what am I doing here? I don't understand,I just want to feel better.
Last Day of Summer 2001 - My Uncle died today -Why cancer? Why him? He loved me so much -leaving behind his wife and little boy. At least he isn't in pain - If I could be with him right now I would. I don't know if I really want to die - I just want to be normal. Day before Thanksgiving 2001 -I had Carpultunnel Surgery - They gave me vikodin.
August 2002 -I am moving to OH to be a teacher. To be living alone -How wonderful -Bringing out my scale -I place it where I can see -Not that there is anyone else who will see. I eat -what I want-when I want.My kids are good to me, Although little things get to me and then I binge on little Debbie's then take laxatives - It's not so bad -I am only planning on using them for a couple months and I take no more than five at a time. This freedom is bringing failure. I am actually gaining weight. My 100 lbs is getting further and further away. I stopped taking my antidepressants because they are making me gain weight or am I the one that is making me gain weight. The laxatives aren't working -I'll try anything to feel better.I am miserable. I want to go somewhere where no one has to deal with me. Oh God -I got into trouble again - I was taking to someone about laxatives and a friend started asking questions. People are worried about me. Why can't they leave me alone? Why can't they take away the pain?
July 2003 -I admitted myself for treatment - I could breathe - They believed me-Whatever there was to believe. They won't let me see the scale. Where is my magic number? How close am I?? I was in tears over a scale. After moving 21 times in 10 years it took me a week to slow down and then, they had the nerve to tell me, To make my outsides match my insides -yea right -and how am I supposed to do that? I had an opportunity to get on a scale and the see the number: My E-D voice said "Go, Mary Pat, you know you want to" the other voice said "Don't do it -You know what will happen." I had a war going on inside my head -Do I or don't I?- I didn't, but not without a fight, support and tears. I was looking at pictures of people who had lost their lives to an eating disorder. I said: I have wanted to look like her-she is so thin. A friend said"That is why you didn't get on the scale, God has important things for you to do" Those words ring in my head constantly. Treatment was hard and good. It was not a cure.
Aug. 2nd 2003 - When I got home I was so excited and nervous at the same time. I got this think licked, or so I thought. I took my scale apart and put the pieces in baggies and sent them to my counselor from treatment. I journaled, Followed my food plan, had an exercise plan, Saw my counselor and my dietician.
In the end Only I could control what I put into my mouth -but could I? Once school started again I found myself binging on IceCream and Purging on Fiber One.Who was I kidding? My Eating Disorder was back in town. I always knew that Eating Disorders were a life and death situation for others, not for me. It wasn't until I spent an hour and a half looking for vikodin on the internet that I realized "I wouldn't see it as a life or death situation until I was dead". I was stressed out, with little support. Lying in bed I was wondering "What would be the easiest way out of this hell?" I knew I wasn't supposed to live this way.I realized that if I waited for someone to help me that I was going to die waiting -either, Emotionally, Spiritually, Mentally and possibly even physically.
One last move: July 2004
I knew I had to take this Eating Disorder stuff seriously. I put everything I owned into my Honda Civic and Drove Cross Country to California. I am in the process of recovery and everyone's process is their own. When I feel like I need to move or run, I have the support I need to keep me still and help me sit with feelings instead of eating over them. I have battled with Eating Disorders for 21 of my 33 years on this earth. As my E-D voice grows weak, My real voice grows strong. To share our stories is to share Experience, Strength and Hope for a longer and healthier life.
