Since I often write about saving marriages, my in box is sometimes full of requests for help, advice, or just someone to listen. Many times, the wives who write me will say things like "my husband doesn't love me. I don't think that he ever really did. I know we're headed for a divorce and I don't know what to do. I want to save my marriage, but I don't want to live in a cold, loveless, marriage anymore either."
Sometimes, after I ask a few questions, I'm able to determine that things used to me much better, but have recently taken a downward spiral and what the wife really means is that she doesn't think her husband loves her anymore. But sometimes, the wife will describe a marriage in which they never really was much affection to begin with.
Believe it or not, the remedy for both of these situations is similar. I'll discuss them in the following article.
No One Deserves To Feel Unloved In Their Marriage, But You Must Be Proactive To Turn This Around:Many wives will tell me that when they approach their husband about the lack of affection and intimacy in the marriage, they will often get excuses or a downplay of things. You'll hear phrases like "well, what do you want me to do, we've been together for a long time. If I didn't love you, I wouldn't still be here," or "we're married aren't we? what more do you want?"
There's often an implication that your wanting more makes you high maintenance or a nag. You're unlikely to get any real satisfaction or resolution from coming at things this way. Because when you approach your husband from an angle of him needing to do something or wanting him to change, you're likely to meet all sorts of resistance. The better approach is to come at him like you agree with him and want to help him get more of what he wants.
But, the worst thing that you can go is ignore this. It's highly unlikely that this elephant in the room is going to go away on it's own and will likely only get worse. And, a lack of affection and intimacy are often the first worrisome signs that the marriage is in serious trouble. Yes, your husband may be downplaying things and acting like you're the one over reacting, but if your gut or instincts are telling you differently, listen and take action.
Getting Your Husband To Show You That He Loves You In A Way That Makes Him Want To Do It Willingly:I've already alluded to the fact that you don't want to be a nag or demand something from your husband. And, you don't want to appear subservient in the relationship either. You're entitled to have your needs met as much as he is. Some wives will actually begin to withhold affection at this point as a kind of "two can play that game" defense mechanism. This is not the best tactic either because it's only getting you further away from what you really want.
I often tell wives to act "as if" they've already gotten what they want. First off, I want you to think about what attracted your husband to you. I'm not talking about your looks or the chemistry between two young people. I'm talking about the components in your personality that drew him to you. Most often, men tell me that they loved their wife's open heart, her ability to understand, appreciate, and admire them, and the way she cared about his happiness and always had a smile and a laugh.
So, as hard as it may be right now, it's very important that you put these qualities on display. Now, I want you to put your best positive attitude forward and act "as if." Put a smile on your face. Bring out the binoculars that have you looking on the bright side. Want more affection from your husband? Be proactive and give it to him. It costs nothing to give a hug, rub an arm, hold a hand or rub a back. He may look at you like you've gone a bit nutty, but this is OK.
Eventually, once you keep right on acting "as if," he will get with the program and won't complain. Why? Because he's getting his needs met. To be honest, a man's needs are not all that different from ours. They want to be understood. They want to be appreciated. They want to feel desired. And, they want to know that they can make their wives happy. So, by acting "as if," you are giving them all of these things and he's going to be a lot nicer to be around.
But, this is only the first part of the plan. Eventually, husbands will typically begin to return this favor. You'll start to see them showing you a bit more affection and appreciation. When they do, make sure you give them lots of positive reinforcement. Tell them how good it makes you feel that the person you love most in the world is showing you that he feels the same way. Then, return the favor so that what you're creating is a cycle of two people showing appreciation and affection until these gestures and efforts become second nature.
Unfortunately, I almost waited too long to change my actions and my words when I felt my husband's love slipping away. Making things better took a 380 degree turnaround on my part, but it was so worth it. I was eventually able to return the love and intimacy, and save the marriage. You can read a very personal story on my blog at
