Get yourself a nice notebook – one that you can write in and make notes. Let it be one that makes you feel good when you look at it. Then follow the steps below.
1. Make a list of all the qualities you want your partner to have – looks, personality, job, attitudes, etc. Make it as long as you can continue to think of things. Look back at your previous relationships and include all the good qualities people in your past have had. Come back and add to it as you think of more qualities. Some of mine are like to dance, be outgoing, like to cook, be affectionate, wear dreads, own a tux, be intelligent, tall, be adventurous, be ambitious, have lots of free time to spend with me, etc. Make it as outrageous as you want – just let yourself dream. Don’t censor and don’t decide that any of it is impossible to have. Write it all down. My list has about 130 characteristics on it.
2. Go over your list and decide which qualities are ‘must haves’ and which qualities are ‘nice to haves’. On my ‘must have’ list I have honesty, integrity, open to spirituality, non-cigarette smoker, good health, virile, have his own money, and emotionally generous. Knowing your ‘must haves’ keeps you from wasting time with folks who are ‘nice’ or have ‘potential’ but aren’t there yet. You’re not looking for somebody to train; you are looking for someone to complement you. So you need to be clear about what is most important to you. So, for me, the first time someone lies to me, they are out. No second chances. Any one who thinks I should help support them financially is out before he’s even considered. Smokers stink – I don’t want that smell in my house or car. No consideration is given to, “but I’m gonna stop smoking”. No argument; no discussion. Be clear about what Dr. Phil calls deal breakers. ‘Wants kids’ might be on your list, or ‘likes my kids’ – if you already have children.
3. Look at past relationships you’ve been in for patterns of behaviors you don’t want. Get clear about what you’ve been attracting. What did you get from past lovers – in terms of feelings, or self esteem, or things that happened over and over. What is it you believe all men do? Or all women? Look at this and realize it is not true; it is just true of who you attracted. How did they treat you? Did they listen to you? Were they caring when you needed them to be? Were they considerate, prompt, or disappointing? Look for the similarities in personality in everyone you’ve been with. Write these down. Then look for similarities in your feelings about every one you’ve been with. And really notice how you felt most of the time in the relationship. Was it the way you want to feel? Write this all down.
4. Now write the opposite of all the negative qualities you found in step 3. How would you rather feel or be treated? For example, when I did this, I found that my predominant feelings in most of my relationships were of frustration, not being listened to, being disappointed, rejection, distance, feeling belittled, or having men wanting to change me. The opposites I wrote down were I want to feel included, talked to, heard, respected, nurtured, challenged and taught, adored, important to someone, to be liked (I’ve been loved by people I wasn’t sure liked me) and enjoyed – my company, my presence, my humor. This shows you what you want in a relationship.
5. And of course, write down all the other positive qualities you can think of that you want to have or to feel in a relationship. I want to laugh a lot and giggle at stupid stuff. I want to have long, endless, fascinating conversations that go on and on and stretch my mind. I want fun. I want beautiful surprises. I want new adventures together. I want paint-peeling sex where we take each other higher than we’ve ever been before. I want public displays of affection – lots of hugging and kissing and hand-holding. You get the drift.
6. To silence the little “I’m not good enough” voice, write down all the reasons why you are a great catch and are a joy to be in a relationship with. I’m loving, sweet, patient, a great cook, I like football, I don’t nag; whatever is true of you. Remind yourself why you are wonderful because you are and you know it.
7. Now here is the fun part. Spend as much time as you can, when ever you can, thinking about and imagining the qualities in 4 and 5. Let yourself daydream; let yourself smile. Feel it and imagine how it will be and live in the feeling of it. And when you feel you are not good enough, remind yourself of all of your worthiness in 6. Look for evidence as encouragement that it’s coming. If you had a glorious conversation at work, that’s evidence. If you feel loved when your dog puts his chin on your leg, that’s evidence. If your best friend does something small but thoughtful for you, that’s evidence. As you do this and your vibe of expectation gets stronger, you’ll find your partner. Your partner will be pulled in on the field of expectation you’ve created around you and all your experiences will be as joyful as your imaginings.
I know; I’ve done this.
