"Families -- the only normal ones are the ones you don't know". Perhaps a harsh statement but the reality is most of us have had some issues within our own families, whether it be sibling rivalry or parental conflict at some time or another. Our personalities don't necessarily change as we age, in fact some our idiosyncrasies are perhaps enhanced and maybe even more annoying to others than they were previously.
According to Audrey Miller, the founder and managing director of Elder Caring Inc. in Toronto, Canada, in working with families, the most complex of conflicts are those between siblings as they relate to care issues for one or both parents. In 25 years of working in a care management capacity, Miller states more often than not, money is usually the core issue behind most conflicts of this nature.
Most often conflict exists when the parent's wishes are not known and at the time that care is required - or at least the time that care is requested (which is often a different time frame), the parent may not be able to voice their opinion.
No matter the perspective - whether that of an adult child or a parent dealing with adult if you have not already done so, now is always a good time to start an open dialogue.
If you are not in a position to communicate it orally, write it down - consider both a Living Will and a Power of Attorney- for both personal care and for property.
A "Living Will" contains your written instructions about what level of medical treatment you want in the event that you are unable to express your wishes verbally. For instance, you may want all possible measures taken to keep you alive - or you could instruct that nothing be done to keep you alive. For example, a Do Not Resuscitate (DNR) order. You could also be very specific about what treatments you want, depending on the condition you are in. A living will would also specify whether you wanted to donate your organs when you die. Living wills enable people to make their own decisions, and ensure that others are aware of these decisions, taking a great deal of pressure off family members to make difficult decisions regarding care.
The legality of living wills varies from country to country. In Canada, a Living Will is not a legal term so it is important that once you have drafted this document, you also draft a Power of Attorney for personal care who will be able to carry out the directives you have set out in your living will. The document can and should be drafted by a lawyer. You could do it yourself, as long as you follow all the steps that make such documents legal in your home country, state, province or territory. You should also distribute copies of your living will to key people like family members, your doctor and lawyer and be sure to regularly review and update your living will from time to time.
A Power of Attorney is a legal written document that allows one person to act on behalf of and make decisions for a person who is no longer mentally capable to make these decisions for themselves due to an illness or injury. The assigned Power of Attorney becomes a substitute decision maker for the incapacitated person in two (2) separate areas: Property and Personal Care. A power of attorney for property allows the attorney to be able to make financial decisions about income, property, investments etc. The power of attorney for personal care allows the attorney to make decisions about where a person lives, what they eat, safety, clothing, personal hygiene, health care and treatment.
The person you chose to be power of attorney for either property or personal care must be carefully selected. They must be of an age that they will be able to handle the demands and responsibilities of acting as power of attorney. They must also be trustworthy and have an understanding of your wishes. While a power of attorney for property can be paid for their work on behalf of the person, a power of attorney for personal care cannot be paid for their services. It is important that someone you are considering to be power of attorney recognizes the requirements/responsibilities of this role and is willing to accept them.
Each state or province may have some variation on how powers of attorney and living wills are handled. These are legal mechanisms in which ones' wishes and instructions are identified and documented. These documentations should be drafted by a knowledgeable person and preferably a lawyer rather than the do it yourself kits.
Most of us don't want to talk about our own demise, ill health or death. However by not talking about it, we leave much to chance or the benevolence of others- which may not serve our own interests very well.
Start the conversation. Find a way to open the door to talk about these issues before a crisis hits. It can be done gradually and informally or a family meeting can be called. Write down the issues, document the decisions. Keep a binder of where important documents such as the POA can be located. Sometimes it is helpful to have a professional guide the process.
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