I can remember when I first began to go to Alanon for families and friends of alcoholics. It was shocking to realize just how truly warped my own thinking was.
First of all I began to see that I had an enemy- a very real, true, and vicious one. And he was living perilously close to me. In fact this enemy was inhabiting the very sacred space called "My brain." This enemy, who knew my every weakness and sore spot and was not afraid to use it, used to taunt me mercilessly. He had choice phrases such as "You're lousy as a mother. You shouldn't even have kids. You're a terrible wife. You're hurting Dave. You're hurting your mom, your dad, your family. You really should just give it up. You're useless. You're hopeless. You're rotten. You're terrible." This enemy said things to me that I never would have said to any human being on the face of the earth.
Now I had lived with this enemy all my life, so I didn't know of anything different. And as far as I was concerned, what he said was true and real. It wasn't until much later that I realized that this was all learned, and to some extent automatic thinking. Brains have a habit of dis-empowering their owners. They are the toughest of task masters- believing like some warped and driven drill Sargent of pain, that they are actually helping matters. And our brains are generally not a true judge of our heart soul and spirit. So I learned through Alanon that I could actually impact the very thoughts in my brain. And later in The Landmark Forum I learned that my brain is not me. It is an more like an automatic thinking machine, much like a computer. And this computer does not reflect our inner essence, our spirit, our soul, or our greatness. It reflects our past experiences, and mostly the bad ones.
The Landmark Forum, by the way, is a course I highly recommend for everyone on the planet. It is a place where you get tools for creating anything you want for your life. Which is amazing, and actually true, by the way. I attribute a huge amount of my success in becoming a powerful spokesperson to the technologies of Landmark Education. But even more to the point, The Landmark Forum is a place where you get to see, smack up in your face, your own beauty as a human being. You als0 get to see the beauty of others. This is not a common sight in our world, and not a sight to be missed, in my opinion. My first experience of The Landmark Forum was such that it warmed my heart. I felt the ice melting and my brain said something good for a change. It said "So underneath all that nasty stuff, human beings truly are good... I always suspected it." Later in some other courses I finally got another message..."I am one of those good human beings."
Now I want to say a bit more about this negative self image that was present when I first got help and went to Alanon. Unfortunately, we all have that brain, that computer, that tells us whatever it feels is wrong with us. Mostly, if we are healthy our computers are not so loud, and we have a conversation about our goodness and effectiveness mixed in there as well. So the impact is not horribly drastic. But for me, and for a lot of other people who deal with addictive, unhealthy lifestyles, the negative messages seem to be like a boombox in our ears set at full volume. Personally I could not move, eat, sleep, or breathe without the constant chatter of my inadequacies. Then too, these were played upon and magnified by Dave's conversation in the same tone. So when I first went to Alanon I would cry a lot.
And I had my Alanon book "Courage To Change" and I would read it every day. And there were slogan in the book such as "Easy Does it." "First things First." "Keep it simple." "Let go and Let God." "Let it begin with me." And "how important is it?"
Now if you'd ever told me that slogans could help me feel whole and complete, I would have said you were crazy. But when I was in a fight or an argument and completely baffled as to how to stop it- I would retreat to a spot where I could be alone and read my book. I would read 3, 5, or even 10 pages of people talking about "How important is it." And if the fight were particularly poignant you would find me hijacking the phone, bringing it in the locked bathroom, and calling an Alanon friend or sponsor. And eventually, if I stayed long enough, I would find peace. Now for people who love addicts or alcoholics, peace is a commodity largely unknown. Most of us didn't grow up with it, nor did we find it in our adult lives. So the locked bathroom with my books and my phone began to be a haven for me.
Now I don't say this is necessary for everyone, but it was for me. It was a way to separate myself from the enmeshment of addictive life. There seemed to be an urgent need on both sides to resolve whatever was being argued- which tended to drive us deeper and deeper over the edge. And addictive relationships are notorious for not allowing any personal space or breathing room.
Later I began to realize that one thing that was missing for me in life was a slice of good healthy boundaries. And I would have to say that this is a common denominator with people who have been touched by addiction or what psychologists call 'dysfunction.' We just don't say no, and we don't even know that we are allowed to.
Later I will talk more about where I came from in terms of life experiences around boundaries and how I was like a 'disaster waiting to happen.' But suffice it to say that the worse and more extreme your life experiences, the more you will be a set up to become addicted or to love someone with the sickness- even though life experiences do not 'cause' addiction, as I have said before in previous blogs.
