Almost all of the readers who come to my blog have one objective – to save their marriages and to eventually get their husbands back under the same roof. They're understandably scared, highly emotional, and aren't sure which tactic to take for fear that making any significant changes are going to make things worse. But, I have to tell you that I've seen this scenario countless times. I've seen it work out very badly and end in divorce and I've seen it come off flawlessly as couples reconcile with both equally committed to righting things. I see common trends in both the losing plans and the winning ones. I'll discuss both in the following article.
Change Your Goal From Luring Him Back To Validating Him:When I hear wives say that they want to "lure" their husband's back, sometimes I want to cringe. This phase brings about very negative connotations, almost as if your husband is a fish or some other animal that needs some "bait" to unwillingly and unwittingly follow the trail. This is really quite degrading to both of you.
Instead, it's best to take another tactic so that he willingly wants to come home or reconcile. And, the best way to do that is often not to play such obviously games or to "bait" him. Think about it for a second. Let's say that there was something that you were reluctant to do. Would you like it if someone tried to manipulate you into changing your mind, simply for their own gain? Of course not.
But, would you respond better to someone who validated you and wanted to help? Probably so. This is the real key. In order to make him receptive to coming back, you must have repetitive access to him. And, during this access, you must change his perception of how things stand. But, you can't do this if he doesn't think you're own his side. He must understand that you agree that the marriage needs a serious overhaul and that you want to help him get it.
This sounds straightforward and easy, but it requires a bit of finesse. You have to come off as sincere and strong. This can be difficult when you're full of anxiety and afraid that your marriage is ending, but for him to respect you enough to commit to making things work, you must respect yourself enough so that you aren't always the second class citizen in the marriage.
Appearances Are Everything When Trying To Lure Back A Husband:When I say this, I don't necessarily mean your physical appearance. What I mean is how you project yourself and your abilities and attributes at this time. We've all been in relationships that end. Sometimes, we're the ones who want out. But, ask yourself this. Is your ex more attractive to you when you see them with bags under their eyes, slumped shoulders, and rumbled clothes? Sure, you may feel sorry for them and you may feel a tinge of guilt, but these are both negative emotions that are only going to whisper in your ear that you were right to escape. You can't afford for your husband to feel this way. You want him to look at you and think that perhaps he's acted too quickly because he likes what he sees.
So, as tempting as it is, don't let your despair show in your looks. Never show up in faded sweat pants and ratty hair. When you look like you just rolled out of bed because you did. But, he mustn't know this. He must see that you are the capable, exciting, busy woman that he first fell in love with, and he must feel regret that he let you go.
Now, if he's moved out, it's likely that you don't have ready access to him. So, his seeing you is going to take some planning. Mutual friends work great for this. They can easily leak that you're getting out to him. Or, you can happen to quickly walk by where you know he's going to be. (Don't stay unless he approaches you.) You don't want to be too obvious about this and you want to allow a reasonable amount of time to pass so that you're actually OK and aren't going to let the cat out of the bag before the first word is out of your mouth.
Use this time to your advantage. Get a makeover. Do those things you've been putting off. Reconnect with friends. Don't mope around and limit yourself to happiness only when he is around. Be visible. Be the best woman that you can be and make sure that this gets back to him.
What You Know That No One Else Does: In truth, you have an advantage that you probably haven't used. You know this man very intimately. You know what he likes and doesn't. You know what makes him tick and what pulls him back. You know exactly what it takes to make your heart beat a little faster. So, use what you know. You know the woman with whom he first fell in love – because she's standing in your own skin.
Now, if you've turned your back on this woman for some time, you'll have to be careful here. A 180 degree turn will look suspicious at first. So, don't be too heavy handed. But, do pull out the attributes that are still yours and are still attractive. Confidence on a woman is one of the first things that a man will list as attractive.
In truth, men are wildly attractive to women who don't necessarily need them, but who want them, understand them, and take the time to appreciate them and interact in a way that both people can get excited about. So no, you don't need to look like Megan Fox or Angelina Jolie. But, you do need to restore and show your enthusiasm and open heart.
And, you have to make sure that your husband knows that the woman who he could not live without is still around, is still potentially receptive, and that he knows that doesn't actually have to live without her.
When I was trying to lure my own husband back home, I made a lot of mistakes – my anxiety and desperation were very obvious. Thankfully, I realized my tactics were not working and changed course. Eventually, I was able to restore my husband's love and not only save the marriage, but make it stronger. You can read a very personal story on my blog at
