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“He’s not here for me,” complained Hailey. “We don’t spend enough time together.”
“She’s too needy. I need space,” complained her husband, Ryan.
“He just does whatever he wants to do, with no concern for me,” countered Hailey.
“She’s so demanding that I just don’t feel like being with her lot. I wish she’d just back off. I need time with my friends.”
In my counseling practice, I often see married couples where one spouse is emotionally dependent and the other is emotionally distant. Interestingly, both aspects of this system come from fear. Neediness - emotional dependency - comes from a deep fear of rejection, stemming from inner abandonment. Hailey gives responsibility to Ryan for her feelings. She doesn’t have enough of an inner adult self to take care of her own feelings and needs, so she makes Ryan responsible for them.
Emotional distance also comes from fear - of engulfment. Not having a strong inner adult self to speak up against being controlled and smothered by Hailey, Ryan resists and distances as a way to feel safe.
In this codependent marriage system, each person is triggering the fears of the other. Hailey’s anger and complaints trigger Ryan’s fear of engulfment, while his distancing triggers Hailey’s fear of abandonment. Then they respond to each other with the very behavior that continues to trigger the fear. They are caught in a vicious circle, each blaming the other for the problems. Hailey really believes that if only Ryan would spend more time with her, everything would be okay, while Ryan really believes that if only Hailey would back off and stop pulling on him for time and attention, everything would be okay. Neither is accurate.
Ryan cannot make Hailey feel loved and safe as long as she is abandoning herself. Until Hailey starts to notice the thoughts that create her feelings of abandonment and develops her loving inner adult self who can take emotional responsibility for her own feelings, Hailey will be a bottomless pit. No matter how much time and attention Ryan gives her, it will never be enough because the inner abandonment will continue to make her feel alone.
On the other hand, even if Hailey does back off from pulling on Ryan for time and attention, it is likely he will continue to be emotionally distant. Hailey is not causing his fear of engulfment - it is being caused by not having a strong inner loving adult self to speak his truth and take care of him in the face of engulfment. As long as he does not know how to lovingly take care of himself in the face of Hailey wanting something from him, he will continue to emotionally distance. Even if Hailey is not making him responsible for her feelings, her just wanting anything with him or from him can trigger his fear of engulfment and resulting resistance.
Hailey and Ryan’s marriage problems will not be solved just with agreements to spend time together, or agreements regarding when Ryan can spend time with his friends. Agreements often don't last because they may be covering over the real issues of control and resistance - coming from fears of abandonment and fears of engulfment. Agreements are often another form of control. Hailey and Ryan’s codependent system can heal when both people commit to developing their loving adult self.
If both Ryan and Hailey practice taking responsibility for their own feelings instead of controlling or resisting each other, they will eventually develop their loving inner adult selves and become capable of:
Not taking rejection, resistance and emotional distance personally.
Filling themselves with love so that they are not needy for the other's time and attention.
Speaking the truth about not wanting responsibility for the other's feelings, without resisting, attacking or distancing.
Taking loving care of themselves without anger or distance.
Taking loving action in their own behalf to ensure against engulfment.
Sharing love instead of trying to get love or avoid pain.
If you find yourself often complaining that your husband or wife does not spend enough time with you, you might want to look at how you might not be taking emotional responsibility for your own feelings. If you find yourself complaining that you never get time alone or with friends, you might want to look at how you are not speaking up for yourself, not taking responsibility for your own needs. Rather than blaming your spouse, over whom you have no control, try opening to learning about what loving actions you need to take in your own behalf.
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