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Marriage miscommunicationis universal to just about every couple for a straightforward reason. Men and women communicate differently. That shouldn’t mean they are incapable of learning how to effectively communicate though. There is little excuse for arguing or failing to understand what your spouse is expressing. You have to spend some time learning the distinctive communication style of your spouse and then combine it with your personal style into good two-way communication. It could be delicate and getting it wrong could mean making your relationship worse, so you will need to have some kind of plan for improving your chances of success.
She Hardly Ever Listens
Miscommunication between a husband and wife, or boyfriend and girlfriend can begin at the most fundamental level. He gives you his instructions on how to handle a particular task and you do it wrong, according to him. He gets disturbed because he thinks you didn’t listen. You get upset because you tried hard to do as he instructed, but wasn't sure what exactly he wanted. These kinds of scenarios happen all the time in a marriage and some are to be anticipated.
But when miscommunication begins to affect more serious issues such as discussions about finances or the children, it can be destructive to a marriage. Poor communication can lead to bad information, start serious arguments, and create feelings of anger and frustration. “How many times do I have to tell you?” she yells at her husband. “Why can’t you see I’m stressed over work?” he argues back.
These kinds of statements are just symptoms of marital miscommunication . Miscommunication is not just saying something in a way the other person fails to grasp. Miscommunication is also NOT telling someone what you are really thinking or feeling. You disguise your real internal emotions or your thoughts from your spouse. The result is you say the wrong thing at the wrong time.
He Didn’t Tell Me
A wife exclaims to her friends that her husband should have told her he was having trouble at work. In many cases…he did. It’s just that he didn’t say it directly and she did not pick up on the verbal and non-verbal clues. It works the opposite way too. Women have a tendency to ask leading questions expecting a particular answer. When she doesn’t get the answer she wants, she gets upset. Of course the most humorous example quoted all the time is this: Does this dress make me look fat? The real question she is asking is if he thinks she has put on too much weight!
Good communication means there is a two-way exchange of information. One person talks while the other listens and then the process is reversed. To communicate better the listener has to listen quietly before they respond back. But what you say and how you say it is critical to good marital communication. Say the wrong thing and you may blow it.
Say What You Mean
Alice in "Alice in Wonderland" is told to say what she means and mean what she says. This is good advice for both a husband and wife. You can’t expect your spouse to interpret your words when you have hidden meanings in them. You also cannot expect your spouse to read your mind. You need to have honest and open communication and use proven techniques for minimizing misunderstandings.
• Give your spouse your full attention when communicating
• Give feedback to make sure you understood the message
• Make sure you talk when the circumstances are right
• Ask for clarification when you don’t understand something
• Don’t try to talk about important issues when the timing is poor
One of the times when arguing is likely to break out is when you try to communicate at the wrong time. The time to ask your wife why a bill was paid late is not right at the moment she walks in the door after working all day with two children in tow just picked up from daycare! Serious discussions need to be treated seriously which means you need to talk when you can both concentrate on what is being said.
If you listen to your spouse and reply negatively right off, it’s a sign the conversation needs to go deeper into the meaning behind the words. To make this come about means not reacting verbally off the top of your head and getting the whole discussion off on the wrong foot. Once you develop good communication skills with your husband or wife, the reward is a vigorous marriage that is free from a lot of misunderstandings, miscommunications and arguments. It is a formula for stopping divorce.
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