Menopause and the Empty Nest Syndrome

Your weekend was truly remarkable. You took a long shower because there was plenty of hot water. You threw clothes in the laundry for the first time in a week and had everything washed and folded before noon. Your refrigerator was full of food, and when you sat down to write your bills, you noticed that you spent half of what you used to spend at the grocery store.  You are an empty-nester. For many women, such newfound delights are enough to smooth the way through what, for others, can be a major and disturbing transition.  There is no universal response as to how a woman is to adjust to a quieter house, and if married, the opportunity to regroup, refocus, and refresh one’s relationship with a spouse after the last child leaves home. For every person who hales the day, another experiences feelings of depression, sadness and grief.

Contrary to what one would assume, the parents of immature children, or those with whom they have had a troubled relationship, may be most at risk. Also at risk are individuals who have never handled change well, have unstable marriages, and/or have confined themselves to the role of parenting. This is especially true if parenting has been their source of identity in place of personal self-worth.  Whether delighted or distraught, change is inevitable and is likely to take 18 months to two years for the transition. And the process is apt to be complicated by the fact that other factors, such as caring for aging parents, job loss, retirement, downsizing, and even menopause, frequently occur simultaneously and cloud the issue. It is a myth, however, that midlife women are at greater risk for depression—actually, younger women with children are. Still, hot flashes, a cloudy mind, and an increasingly aching body do little to help a woman’s perspective as the chicks flee the nest.

Considering that a menopausal woman has a full third of her life remaining for other than child rearing renders her adjustment to not having children at home significant.  But becoming enmeshed with the obvious and immediate loss tends to obscure the opportunity that is simultaneously being presented—ahead lies approximately 30 years of possibilities. There may be no chance for life ‘as usual,’ but the resiliency that characterizes most women’s lives merely needs to be redirected. Being open to new challenges can be creative, and creativity generates its own energy. It is a far cry from a concept of ‘slowing down’ and the degeneration normally associated with aging.  But where does one begin? After years of overseeing other’s well-being and putting personal needs last, doing otherwise feels awkward, but it is appropriate to do so. First and foremost, it is time for restoring balance. Asking, “What is meaningful now?” is an intelligent place to start.  Choices are made on what is valued. For the first time, perhaps, choices must cease being automatic and become conscious. It requires letting go of things that are no longer working or that are bogging one down.

The time has come to eliminate tasks and family rituals that no one else cares about, to learn to say “no” and to only do what one does best.  Direction can be defined by what a woman deems right for her based on a lifetime of seasoning, not by the desires and demands of others. But one must be quiet to hear the desires of one’s heart and that of the Creator. Activities that undermine self-confidence, joy, personal/ spiritual growth and health must be questioned. Perhaps it would be helpful if, like other cultures, we had a rite of passage signifying a natural closure of one phase of life and the beginning of a new one. Adding a “leaving home rite,” personalized for the family, could provide closure and be symbolic for parent and child. Whatever is done to ease the transition to “empty-nester”—there will still be grieving—even healthy and desired changes are experienced as a loss, for something must be given up in order for something else to replace it. Find a therapist for immediate help.

Menopause signals mortality. If a woman has not learned it before, acknowledging her finite existence enables her to grasp what has been known intellectually: that until she is in the graces of her Heavenly Father, the present is all she has. Squandering it over what might have been or what was creates despair. And who knows, if the thought of no kids in the house has left her bereft, it may not be for long, as a reported 65% of recent college graduates reoccupied their old rooms.    _Mary Ann Mayo, M.A., M.F.T., is a licensed Marriage and Family Therapist, and a prolific author and speaker. She has authored several books that address the mental and physical health of women—her latest is on a natural approach to menopause_, Good For You: Smart Choices for Hormone Health (Siloam, 2003).   _Joseph Mayo, M.D., F.A.C.O.G., is a Stanford trained OB-GYN and has been a practitioner of women’s health for more than 29 years. He is an expert on women’s health and has been quoted or written for such periodicals_ as Shape, More, Natural Health, Energy Times, and The International Journal of Integrative Medicine.]