One of the areas of greatest need for men’s ministry is encouraging and sup- porting Christian men in their roles as fathers. When you have the opportunity to talk to dads on a personal level, you quickly learn that they understand their role as a father is an important and high- stakes venture. They know that their in- volvement as a father makes a difference in the lives of their children, and they are painfully aware that there are many things they could be doing better. However, they may be unaware of what those things are, and they may not know where to turn for positive support to improve their fathering. As they look around their workplaces, their neighbor- hoods, and even their churches, there are many examples of regrettable outcomes for fathers and children that put a fear of failure into dads’ minds.
Though it is common for churches to have children and youth ministries, actively thriving men’s ministries are less common, and those with ministries identifi ed or targeted specifi cally for dads are markedly in the minority. There are some practical barriers to forming and maintaining vital dads’ ministries. Some are primarily challenges to individual dads, some are challenges to ministries, and some are culture-wide attributes that need to be understood before we can successfully support fathers in their efforts to raise their children into a vital and consistent faith. Challenges to Dads for Fathering in Faith Men experience a range of challenges to fathering in faith. These challenges are not independent of one another, but bringing them into individualized focus may assist you as a counselor, pastor or support group leader to help assess the needs of the various dads you are serving. Knowledge base for faith. Dads per- ceive themselves to have varying degrees of biblical literacy and doctrinal knowl- edge. Many dads feel challenged to fi nd meaningful answers to the complex and genuine questions that children pose about God and living by faith on a daily basis. Fathers may view others (e.g., the pastor or youth leader) to be better posi- tioned to teach their children and to pro- vide consistent and wise counsel to them regarding issues of faith. While dads may need some old_resources and support in ad- dressing their children’s questions about God, they also need to be encouraged not to simply relegate training in faith to “professional clergy.” That would convey the message that the average person can- not understand how to have a relationship with God and that you need specialized training in order to know the important things about God. Fathers should have a ready source of information and support in shaping answers for their children’s tough questions, but it is important for fathers to model an ability to engage the real questions of faith on their own.
Gender issues. More women than men attend church regularly1 and women more frequently teach children’s Sunday School classes. Statistics indicate that overall, women spend more time reading scripture and pray more than men.2 In addition, they spend more time with children than men do,3 so men may relegate religious and moral training of their children to the women in their lives, both at home and in Sunday School. Children could mistakenly get the message that faith is primarily for women. Hypocrisy/Consistency. Dads are acutely aware of inconsistencies in their lives. One of the uniformly negative reactions I encountered in interviewing diverse dads was a disdain for hypocrisy. Men hate hypocrisy in their own lives and in the lives of others. While we may have high ideals for ourselves and for others, the truth is that we all have much room for growth until we are completely conformed to the image of God. Some men mistakenly conclude that until they “get it together” with an exemplary faith walk, they should not try to discuss or directly model things of faith to their children (or anyone else). They want to defer serving as an example in faith until they achieve a level of consistency that they deem fitting.
Being encouraged to continue working on consistency in their faith and actions is appropriate. So is being open with their children concerning their failures and their desire to do better as a believer and as a father. If we all waited until we were perfect to begin to encourage others in matters of fathering or faith, none of us ever would. Vitality of their own faith. Dads recognize that in order to shepherd their children into a meaningful and real faith, their own faith needs to be vital and consistent. The reality is that virtually all men experience fluctuations in the strength of their faith across time. Our sense of the Lord’s presence or that he is hiding varies by seasons of our lives, by fluctuations in our emotions and by the degree of guilt we experience after falling into sins of omission or commission. Men do not desire to, nor can they, “fake” a positive and vital relationship with God in order to model something for their children that they themselves are not experiencing. Again, being honest and open with children (in an age appropriate way) helps kids to see that your faith is important to you and that you are working on a vital faith. Kids need to see that even when you don’t feel particularly close to God, you try to keep on going in the faith. That’s an important message to convey to a child experiencing their own challenges in developing a consistent faith. Ministries that effectively help men build a consistent faith walk will support them as fathers by positioning them to better share their faith with their children. Challenges to Starting Dads’ Ministries Men’s reticence to seek help. Men are not well-known for seeking support.
Asking for help is often viewed as an admission of inadequacy. In other ministry contexts (e.g., recovery programs, marriage enrichment), it is often the case that men need to experience a good deal of discomfort before they recognize and admit their need for counseling, ministry, or intervention. The typical father in a church setting does not fit the profile of a person whose fathering relationships have become so unworkable that they seek help out of desperation. Men are not prone to ask for help in their fathering. An admission of a need for help in fathering is viewed as a high-risk disclosure for men. My colleagues who have attempted to launch secular fathers’ support groups have found that a different approach is needed to initially attract and keep fathers coming to dads’ groups. Labeling it as a support group or a help group does not work. What seems to be effective is to make the group activity-based and to center on approaches that build on traditional male strengths. “Super Saturdays for Dads” is a successful program in Minnesota. Fathers arrive with their pre-school aged child and engage in projects such as building birdhouses together, playing with puzzles, participating in a session of cooperative sports, or sharing building toys. After the dads and their kids experience a fun time together, the men gather around a coffee pot (filled with Minnesota- weight coffee) and their kids go to another section of the building to have a snack together. In the context of informally “hanging out” around the coffee pot while basking in the success of activity with their kids, men are comfortable enough to casually bring up some of the hassles and concerns of parenting with a skilled parent educator. If the educator offered a “help session” for dads, the attendance would be reduced significantly, and the comfort level for exploring threatening issues would be considerably lower. Church-based “support groups” for dads need to build on men’s strengths and provide activity-based groups where men will begin to build trust and comfort to become more personal and open in their admissions of fathering concerns. Even if it is not practical to offer groups or activities that regularly highlight father-child interactions, a church’s dads’ group could adopt the strategy of having men do things together (e.g.,
tuning-up the church play yard, landscaping, basic maintenance or facilities improvement) where they get to use existing skills for practical achievements. In the context of demonstrating competence in traditional male strengths, dads become more comfortable with beginning to talk about their struggles in both fathering and faith. Having some men in the group who are successful in either or both, who are not paid clergy, also make the group more accessible and “user friendly” to dads. Fathering falls within the private realm. Family issues are often viewed as “private.” Social norms dictate that we tread very lightly around telling others how to parent their children: “Prescriptive parenting programs are not appropriate.” While there are certain elements of truth to that perspective, the fact is that there are some basic principles of positive fathering that we could teach and encourage men to work toward (see boxed insert).
The research data on father effects on child development document that when father-child relationships reflect particular positive characteristics, the dads, their children, their families, their churches, and their communities benefit.4 Stated another way, there are some basic factors that characterize positive father-child relationships, and if dads are aware of them and frequently practice them on a regular basis, their relationships with their children will be better and there will be payoffs for everybody. And, having a solid, positive relationship with your children is the best foundation for leading them into, and supporting them in, a vital relationship with the Lord. Finding appropriate models of fathering and faith. A significant proportion of today’s dads lacked positive models of fathering, even if they were raised in the Church. Many of today’s dads experienced relationships with their fathers that lacked emotional connection or positive modeling of a vital and practical faith. Some men with poor relationships with their fathers learned that work and faith are issues of central importance, but their sense of father absence caused them to reject their father’s emphasis on work, on faith, or both.
Other men with great relationships with their dads may have also learned that faith is inconsequential for life. Blessed, and relatively rare in contemporary culture, is the man who had a father who valued and modeled the central importance of both fathering and faith. The role of fathers has been described in recent scholarly literature to be ill defined, diverse, and multi-faceted. Yet in the subcultures of our faith communities, men are given the mandate to raise up their children in the way they should go. This mixed message is problematic to dads who feel insecure in their fathering, their faith, or both. Contemporary society is sending mixed messages to fathers. On the one hand, public discourse sets a high standard for a “new, involved” father. Men are repeatedly told that they have to do more than their fathers did. The role prescriptions of this new breed of dad parallel the “super mom” with the distinction that dads are to be adequate, if not sole, providers. On the other hand, there has been a contrary and prevalent wave of discourse that says fathers are not necessary at all, that single moms can do a stellar job of raising children. Though there are many heroic single moms who are doing a very positive job of raising their children, my read of the research literature and the scriptures tell me that it would be preferable for kids to have a positive relationship with a dad who lives in the household modeling a positive relationship with his wife as well.
The truth is there are some things that only a father can teach. Mothers may be able to talk to their sons and daughters about how men should treat women and about appropriate ways for men to show their commitment to God, but only a man can model the attributes of a caring and committed man. Without having a positive example of fathering in faith being lived out before their eyes, children relegate the concept of positive relationships with adult men to the realm of the possible, but difficult to understand, and nearly impossible to expect. Without the presence of a positively involved father in the household, girls learn that it is not likely that they will find a husband who can commit to love and care for her and her children when she becomes an adult. Boys in father absent homes learn that distance between men and women and fathers and their children is to be expected. Neither boys nor girls in father absent homes have the benefits of seeing men regularly walk out their faith in daily relationships and decisions about work and family. The enormity of living in the absence of regularly receiving a father’s input leaves both sons and daughters challenged to establish appropriate relationships with future partners, children, and God.
If their dad is distant and uninvolved, how can they come to trust an invisible Heavenly Father to relate to them lavishly and consistently in their lives? Finding a commitment/benefit payoff. Men who are actively engaged in the early years of fathering are typically quite busy. Characteristically, trajectories for establishing careers overlap considerably with the years of having young children. Because of the multiple demands on their time, men will not come to a group that they perceive as ineffective or competing for their “free” time with their families. Men tend to be “product” oriented more than they are relationship oriented, and they will want to see groups bring some tangible results in exchange for the time and effort that they invest in attending. If you want to see a continued turnout for the group, design each session with a “take home” message, result, or outcome that is easily identified by the participants. Help them to see: (1) what it is that you are offering, (2) why it is important for their fathering relationships, and (3) how to implement the principles you are providing. Providing expanded visions of providing. Partly because the provider role has been emphasized in our culture for nearly a century, men have equated economic provision with good fathering. The narrow focus on economic provision has obscured some of the more important elements of providing a healthy and happy family environment for our children.
Fathers need to be challenged to re-vision provision to include: provision of opportunities, provision of close relationships, provision of emotional safety by staying connected to their kids, provision of fun, provision of educational experiences and instruction, and provision of a real and vital understanding of relating to God. This expanded provision needs to be achieved without placing unrealistic demands on fathers. The bottom line message is that much more matters than economic providing, and dads are uniquely positioned to offer a lot of valuable experiences to their kids. Elements of Effective Support for Fathering in Faith When thinking about supporting fathers in their relationships with their kids in the context of Christian counseling, churches, or support groups, there are three things to keep in mind regarding each father served: He is a father with unique strengths, weaknesses, history of relating to his children, and needs. He is a man with a developing relationship with God. The intersection of his fathering and his faith can be expressed in any number of ways. Effective church programs and counseling strategies for fathers will need to address each of these three areas. Though they may require different degrees of attention at different times in each father’s involvement with his church or counselor, each requires appropriate focus and intervention if a dad is going to be optimally positioned to provide positive fathering in faith for his children.
Dads’ diversity. Although emerging research regarding fathers is much more focused than in the past, discussions of patterns of contemporary fatherhood still mute individual variations in fathering styles and involvement levels. Even fathers within the same general classification (e.g., fathers of teen sons) will have unique histories, developmental trajectories, interaction styles, and involvement levels.5 Dads vary by much more than race, class, ethnicity and social status. They differ in age when their first child was born, the timing and spacing of children in their lives, level of career development, educational attainment, their availability during children’s waking hours, co-residence with children, and whether they are biological, step, adoptive or social fathers. In addition, dads vary in their relational style, parenting philosophies, interpersonal attributes, the centrality and vitality of their own religious faith, and the quality and style of their relationships with churches or para-church organizations.
With all of the different permutations and combinations of factors that make each father-child relationship unique, it would be easy to get bogged down in trying to design supports that meet all of the needs of every unique father. Instead, it is useful for pastors, counselors and leaders of dads’ support groups to understand that there are a few basic “types” of fathers. Although a discussion of types masks complexity and individuality, there is a degree of legitimacy to careful generalized discussion of fatherhood, because most fathers share some universal characteristics.6 My own research reveals that fathers fall into one of four different categories or “types” in the way they relate to their children regarding issues of faith. 7 Diversity of faith foundations. Though these differing fathering styles are presented as distinct anchor points along a continuum ranging from actively discouraging to active disciple makers, it is probably more realistic to recognize that the patterns may not be mutually exclusive and that men may move from one category to another over time and circumstances.
However, I also believe that the presentation of a typology, though somewhat artificial, provides a practical guide for identifying faith patterns and issues in fathers whom you may be serving. Further, the same categories most likely apply to mothers. A small minority of men are actively discouraging of faith in their children. These are men who have had negative experiences around issues of faith in the past, and they have decided that faith is harmful or repulsive. They make disparaging comments regarding faith and may be in opposition to their spouse when it comes to beliefs and the centrality of faith in their lives. Discouraging fathers have a negative faith identity and openly discourage their children’s involvement in activities and attitudes that require faith. They are heard making statements like, “Why do you want to waste your time going to that church? God isn’t real anyhow.” Somewhat less negative are fathers identified as “disinterested.” These men are not overtly discouraging, but neither are they encouraging of their children’s faith development (nor of their spouse’s efforts to encourage their children). Men in this pattern do not feel that faith is central to their lives, and frankly, they don’t care if their kids want to pursue faith or not. It is frequently the case that these men had experiences with a religious individual or organization that left them with a “sour taste.” Often, as children, they were forced to attend services that they perceived as irrelevant, ineffective or hypocritical. Consequently, they have decided that they do not want to “force religion down their kids’ throats,” and their ambivalence speaks volumes to their children regarding the centrality or vitality of faith.
A distinctly different group of dads could be labeled Spiritual Providers or Encouragers. These fathers tend to have some unresolved identity or competence issues regarding their own faith, but they genuinely value religious instruction or faith. Men in this group have made preliminary or tentative commitments to faith themselves. Dads in this category tend to view matters of faith in terms of knowledge or instruction about God rather than as a living relationship with God. Though faith is not a central or organizing theme in their own life, they hold a genuine respect for, and value matters of, faith or religious instruction. They desire to expose their children to faith communities and will actively encourage their children to go to church or Sunday School or youth group. They find others whom they view to be qualified to provide the instruction in the same way that they support their children in other realms—such as finding a piano teacher (if they can’t teach their child themselves). Take help from telephone therapist .
Conclusions If men are to play a vital role in effectively fathering their children in faith, they need support as fathers, as men of faith, and as fathers who relate to their children around the things of faith. Rather than upbraiding men for their shortcomings in any area of fathering in faith, individual counseling and support groups for dads need to address all three areas in a manner that affirms men’s strengths, their efforts and accomplishments in being good dads. Supports for dads need to target practical and tangible outcomes in all three areas. A promising beginning would be to engage dads who are already successfully fathering their children to offer coaching and support for other dads who are invested in getting there.
