I get a lot of correspondence asking for advice on "giving an indifferent husband space." Much of the time, if the husband has asked for the space and very clearly will accept no other alternative, I usually suggest that the wives comply with this (although I also advocate doing several things to ensure that the "space" works for you rather than against you.) The exception to this though is when you are dealing with a spouse who is indifferent to you or to the marriage.
I recently had someone ask me something like: "My husband has gotten to the point where he's sort of numb and indifferent. He just doesn't seem to care. This concerns me of course, but I'm afraid that if I make a big deal about it, he'll think I'm clingy or will accuse me of making a big deal out of nothing. Should I just back off and give him some space?"
Indifference would be the key word here. In my observation, indifference, like nothing else, is one of those issues that you really need to watch out for and act upon very quickly. I will discuss why I think that this is so in the following article.
I'd Rather See A Frustrated Or Jealous Husband Than An Indifferent One. Here's Why:People often look at me like I've lost my mind when I say this, but it's completely true. The reason for this is that if you're still seeing strong feelings and emotions, then this implies that the husband still cares enough to feel something. Underneath frustration, there's a wish that things were different. Behind jealousy is usually possession because of love. I'm not saying that these negative emotions are optimal or that you want to see them. They are certainly roadblocks that you must work through. However, their existence does mean that your husband still cares and is still invested. And this can be very important.
With indifference though, the strong feelings are likely no longer present. And this could mean that you have much more work to do in order to fix things. It can also sometimes mean that you're acting too late because he's just no longer invested enough for you to gain any ground. That's why I often suggest quick action when you see indifference. And giving space does not fall under that category.
What To Do When Your Husband Is Indifferent:Rather than giving him space, I believe that you need to take deliberate action, although you have to be really careful that you don't appear to be clingy or to be overreacting. And, rather than asking your husband to change his actions because they bother you, you will usually see much better results if you just begin to take your own action and then see if you can eventually get him to respond. You have much more control that way and, since you're not really asking for anything, you don't have to worry about his resistance as much.
You might begin by observing where the marriage is falling short and then addressing that. Your goal is to get him investing and interacting in your marriage again. This is likely going to take some time and that's a better strategy anyway because no one wants to feel pressured.
Also, take an honest look at your own attitude and actions. Sometimes, a husband's indifference is a defense mechanism that is a direct result of what is going on in the marriage (although this is certainly not always the case.) Often, the marriage has sort of developed it's own set of norms where both spouses are just sort of going through the motions or have checked out. No one wants to be the only one who is invested or who steps outside of their comfort zone. If this is an accurate description of your marriage, then it's up to you to be the one to take the initiative because an indifferent husband isn't as likely to change things up on his own.
I often advise folks to begin changing the outcome by giving their spouse more of what they themselves want in a marriage and more of what they know (deep down) their spouse really wants. People will often respond to this with phrases like: "Well, how am I supposed to know what he wants? He never really talks to me anymore. Am I supposed to read his mind?" No, of course not. But, at the end of the day, most people want the same things out of their marriages. And believe it or not, most husbands want mostly the same things as wives do. People want to feel loved and understood, People want to feel desired and appreciated. And people want to deal with excitement rather than boredom. They need to have something to look forward to which they know is lasting and solid.
I realize that these are general terms, but underneath them are areas where you can take real action. Want more affection from your husband? Then give him more affection and watch to see how he responds. If you want him to listen to you, then listen to him. I know that this can feel vulnerable and strange at first, but it is often necessary in order for you both to get more of what you want so that you can quickly turn his indifference (which I believe can be a real warning sign) around.
Unfortunately, I almost waited too long to change my own actions and my approach when I began to see my husband becoming indifferent. This almost cost me my marriage. Making things better took a 380 degree turnaround on my part, but it was so worth it. I was eventually able to return the love and intimacy, and save the marriage. You can read a very personal story on my blog at .
