I often dialog with and try to help women who fear that their marriages are in real trouble and who want to save it. I often get emails from wives who tell me things like "my husband says he's no longer in love with me," or "my husband says he loves me, but he's not ‘in love' with me. What should I do?"
The answer to these questions is going to depend upon the state of your marriage and whether he's communicating this to just get your attention or he really means it. However, regardless of the circumstances behind this phrase, it's far better to take it seriously. Regardless of how true the phase is, it should be a wake up call that should prompt you to take action. It's better to be proactive and be wrong than to leave things to chance and be very sorry (or single) later.
Desperation, Guilt, Pleas, And Threats Are Not Attractive, Especially To Husbands Who Claim To Have Fallen Out Of Love:It's so natural to panic when you hear these words. You want to rectify this situation immediately because you figure that if you don't, things will only deteriorate from here. But, these feelings can also drive you to act in a way that is only going to push your husband further away.
We women tend to pull out all the stops in this situation and it often isn't pretty. We beg. We stalk. We guilt. We give ultimatums and threats. We use our children as collateral. We know these things are wrong when we are engaging in them, but it's often difficult to stop yourself, even though you know that you're only digging a deeper hole.
Always try to evaluate your actions before you take them. Stop for a second and ask yourself if what you're about to do is going to bring your husband closer or further away. You really can't afford the luxury of bringing out negative feelings in your husband right now. If you want his love back, you need to do just the opposite. Your goal should be to elicit positive feelings and experiences that the two of you share. You have a long road back, but the first step is reigning in any negative interactions.
It's More Likely That Your Husband Has Fallen Out Of Love With The Relationship Rather Than Not Loving You Anymore:I don't believe that it's possible to just abruptly turn off feelings of love like a light switch. Yes, feelings of "being in love" fade over time as life gets in our way. The exciting, alluring, passionate woman that a guy first fell in love with can't help but change when she has children, a demanding job, or responsibilities outside of her marriage.
Still, this doesn't stop your husband from being disappointed that the feelings which he used to feed off of are lost. When a man is in love, his self esteem is at an all time high. The woman that he loves validates him, finds him desirable and competent, and is happy all because of him. However, when the light starts to dim from your eyes when he walks into the room, when he begins to feel that you're no longer listening, or that you no longer value him, things start to feel wrong or "off."
So, he'll often mistake these feelings of disappointment for "falling out of love." But, it's not you that he's no longer in love with – it's the relationship.
Bringing Back Your Husband's Love, Even When He Claims He's Lost It: Hopefully, by now, I've helped to establish that it's likely that you husband does still love you, but these feelings are likely buried from neglect. So, you have a delicate dance ahead of you. Because, without appearing desperate or beaten, you have to reintroduce the two people who once loved one another very much. You really already know what this takes. You have already done this once when you were falling in love.
However, it's important that you don't try too hard or put on a show. Men can easily tell when they are being manipulated. It's much better to really take some time and think about what your husband loved about you in the first place. Spend a little time with yourself and act "as if " you've already won.
Men are attracted to confident, alluring, intriguing women. They are thrilled to think that a woman who has so much going on would make the time and effort for them. So, don't become the subservient person in the relationship. Make it very clear that you want to save the marriage, but that you too could use some time for yourself. Go out with friends. Focus on yourself and make sure that your husband knows that you are doing this. You will appear far more attractive if you're a moving target than if you just offer yourself up for the taking.
This change in attitude combined with your showing your husband the best version of yourself will likely peak his interest. But, don't move too fast. His interest is going to feel a lot better and it's going to be tempting to start to push for a commitment or to ask where this is going. Don't. Allow him to take the lead and continue to be your happy, open hearted, alluring self. Once you are back on strong ground, you can then have the serious discussions about the marriage. But now is not the time for that. Right now, you just need to focus on positive interactions and on showing your husband that the woman he once loved is still here.
Unfortunately, I almost waited too long to change my actions and my words when I felt my husband's love slipping away. Making things better took a 380 degree turnaround on my part, but it was so worth it. I was eventually able to return the love and intimacy, and save the marriage. You can read a very personal story on my blog at
