I wish that the reality was that couples facing martial problems go into it with both parties on board to work together to save the marriage, but in my experience, that's rarely the case. I'm often contacted by wives whose husbands have said they want a divorce, while the wives desperately want to save the marriage but aren't sure how to do this alone or even if it is possible.
The truth is, while it is absolutely possible to save your marriage when you are the only one who wants to (I've done it and have seen it done countless times), it does require a bit more effort, patience, and skill when you are going it alone. However, I don't say this to discourage you. In fact, it discourages me when I see people give up all too easily. Because yes, it may be difficult and take time and effort, but this is your marriage we are talking about and divorce can be an even harsher, more final reality. So, except for cases of abuse, I believe that every marriage can be saved and I'll discuss ways to save yours in this article.
Understand That, No Matter What The Problems Are In Your Marriage, Every Issue Comes Down To One Thing: Often when people contact me, they want to tell me every single issue in their marriage or they want to break down the cause of the divorce into what are really symptoms of a deeper problem, like: money; sex; infidelity; or stress. While all of these things can absolutely weaken or end your marriage, they all have the same issue at their core. If you can address and then fix this issue, then all of the other secondary symptoms will eventually fall away.
Every one, at their core, wants to feel loved, valued, and understood. If you understand this very basic concept and really remind yourself of this when you interact with your spouse, it can make a huge difference. I find that it's very rare for people to be able to see past the arguments, accusations, and distance in order to realize that at the heart of this issue is really a person who is quite disappointed because they, for whatever reason, didn't feel that they got these needs met or didn't feel loved, valued, or heard.
So often, the husband who is at his wits end about money is deep down the little boy who is afraid there will never be enough. The man who is distant and cold really feels and fears rejection. The husband who is harping about sex and intimacy is not feeling valued and loved.
So, when your husband is shutting you out or distancing himself, it's easy to see a bitter, selfish, undesirable person rather than to see the scared little boy who feels or at one time felt neglected, unloved, or rejected — so much so that he eventually shut down. Granted, it's hard to see past negative feelings when you are confronted with them tirelessly, but if you want to save your marriage, you must. You have to be able to walk in your spouses shoes to understand what they really want so that you can provide it to them.
But, What Is He Providing Me? Why Am I Doing Everything To Save This Marriage Myself?:So often, women will admit to me that what I am saying makes perfect sense and just may work, but they can't help resenting having to do everything on their own. They will often say things like "well, you're not asking him to walk in my shoes," or "he doesn't have to do any of this and he gets all the reward."
Yes, I understand that it feels this way right now. And, I understand that in the same way that he wants to feel valued and heard, so do you. It's every bit as important that you get your needs met as well. But, right now, you can only control a few things – yourself and your own actions. So, let's work on controlling those things first until things are much better and on much firmer ground.
And, understand too, that once your husband gets what he really wants (although even he may not realize it), he in turn will respond by giving you what you want. You may not believe this, but it's true. Remember when you were first in love? Did he not shower you with affection and attention? I'll bet he did and it's because he felt he was receiving these things from you. When people feel that you "get" them and value their happiness, they are much nicer to be around and are often more than happy to return the favor.
People who are able to save their marriages solo understand that the time for score keeping and grudges have long past. It's time to get down to what is truly the heart of the matter. You can call it what you like or blame it other secondary symptoms like money or stress, but understand that at the end of the day, divorces are often the result of a lack of intimacy and closeness that stems from one or both parties not feeling deeply loved, intimately understood, and uniquely valued.
When my husband wanted a divorce (but I didn't and desperately want to save my marriage), I made many mistakes. Rather than seeing the lack of intimacy for what it was, I engaged in many tactics that back fired. Thankfully, I finally realized I was doing more harm than good and was able to change course and save the marriage. You can read a very personal story on my blog at
