I realize that there are situations where both people are completely on board and ready to move forward with a divorce. But, these are not the situations about which I'm commonly approached. Instead, I'm usually contacted by wives whose husbands have indicated that they want to divorce (and some have even filed / served the papers), but the wives want to save the marriage.
They will often ask things like: "Do I have to go through with the divorce if I don't want to? Is there anything that I can do to contest or stall the divorce?" I'm not an attorney, but I would argue that, as a practical and strategic matter, "contesting" a divorce is only continuing on with a combative, divided stance that will push your husband further away. I believe from my research and from my own experience that while you absolutely need to buy time, standing on opposites sides from your husband is likely not going to get you any closer to your goal of saving your marriage. I'll discuss this further in the following article and will tell you what I think is a better course to follow if you don't want a divorce.
You Don't Want A Divorce, But You Don't Want To Take A Combative Stand Either:I've had women who have admitted to me that they've dodged the summons server or ignored court papers in an attempt to stall the divorce proceedings. While I understand any tactics that are going to buy time, you also don't want to appear that you are taking an aggressive, combative stand. You don't want for your husband to think that every interaction he has with you is going to be one in which you are trying to thwart him from getting what he really wants.
If you really want to save your marriage, you'll need to paint yourself in your most positive light. You want your husband to eventually realize that he is making a mistake rather than to think that he can't escape fast enough. You want him to rethink his recent opinion of you and your marriage. "Fighting" him every step of this way isn't likely to do this.
Understanding That You Need To Have A Common Goal:I often tell wives to jump on their husband's side of this stand off, at least in theory. And I'm often met with a lot of resistance and comments like "but he's wrong," or "you're asking me to give up or pretend that I'm not right?" No, that's not what I mean at all. What I do mean is that if you want access to your husband, you're going to have to stop being a threat. He has to know that every interaction with you is not going to turn out in a negative way or elicit negative feelings.
So, how do you achieve this? You need to agree with him (in theory) and convince him that you have common goals. This often includes agreeing that the marriage is at a crossroads and needs drastic improvement. And conceding that you aren't happy either and that both of you deserve mutual fulfillment and satisfaction.
Once these things are said or implied, vow that you are not going to engage or behave in a way that is going to run counter to these goals. Make him understand that you fully know several things: you know that he wants a divorce; you know that you want to save the marriage; and you know that these are very different goals. However, what you are able to control is your own actions. Make sure he knows that your relationship is more important to you than "winning" this standoff. You are now more concerned that you both emerge happy and can interact in a positive way, no matter how this turns out. Explain that he is too important a person in your life to allow these nasty things between you and that, when this is over, you want to be proud of how you both handled it.
Always Remember How You Appear In Both Your Actions And Your Intentions:Understand that your goal is still to save the marriage. However, now you're going to go about it by encouraging your husband to change his mind and his opinion of you rather than using legal wrangling or stalling tactics to force him into doing something he doesn't really want to do.
So, this is going to require you to paint yourself in your most positive light. Your goal is to show your husband the woman that he first fell in love with. He needs to know that she still exists. I realize this will be challenging as issues regarding the divorce come up. But, always pause, take a deep breath, and remember that you need to come off as positive. You need to dig deep, dust your self off, and put your best self on full display. Define the qualities that your husband loves about you and make sure you show him exactly those things. Be careful not to move too quickly or allow him to see any desperation. You want to appear busy, intriguing, and full of self respect. He already knows that you want to save the marriage. You don't have to keep harping on it. You want to appear as someone who is dealing with the situation as best she can, but who has an eye on moving forward and remaining positive.
Men typically do not find needy, combative, desperate, or clingy women attractive. What they do respond to is quiet confidence, dignity, and grace. Often, if you play your cards right, you'll find that he will often be curious about your change in attitude. He will often initiate some contact to feel you out. Don't show your hand. Don't move too fast. Keep doing what is working – conducting yourself in a positive manner and continuing to elicit the positive feelings he didn't expect.
When my husband initiated a divorce, I did not understand these principles and I went about saving the marriage in the completely wrong way. I stooped to negative behavior that only drove my husband further away. Thankfully, I soon realized my mistake and decided to approach things from another angle and this eventually worked. You can read a very personal story on my blog at
