Plastic Surgery on the Cheap

Let’s face it, the recession has hit us hard, what with the unemployment rate being the highest it’s been in the last 26 years.  We need something that can cheer us up.  Hmm, let me think… how about cosmetic surgery!  Now if you’re thinking, “I can’t afford plastic surgery.  Only celebrities like Kathy Griffin can afford that stuff”, then think again.  Yes, that’s right, there are tricks of the trade- that is, the trade of looking fabulous.  Simply put, there are ways of getting plastic surgery on the cheap.  So cheer up guy who works at General Motors, treat yourself to some rhinoplasty.  Or if not for you, then do it in the memory of Michael Jackson.  Do it for the USA!  YES WE CAN… get tummy tucks!

My Free Implants (You Know, for Boobs)


If you’re a lady and a spendthrift, who also happens to have small breasts that you’re unsatisfied with, then you’re probably less than pleased with the average cost of a boob job ($7,000).  That is, unless you’ve heard of myfreeimplants.com, a website who’s title says it all.  Basically, complete strangers serve as benefactors to the female clientele looking for breast augmentation.  Essentially, the women interested would have to set up their own profile (think Twitter, but with more boobs) where you write a short bio and upload pictures of yourself (nudity is not required, though let’s be honest, you’ll probably get more donations if you are).  From there, you can interact with the benefactors on the site by sending personal messages, sending “custom” photos, chatting through live audio and video, or writing personalized blogs (which, if you can get a guy to donate money by reading a stupid blog about your tits, then more power to you).

Now if you’re thinking, “This all sounds a little creepy”, I assure you, it’s totally creepy.  But hey, you’re the one who wants free breast implants.  And apparently lots of strangers out there want you to have them too.  But if you’re clever you can work the system, seeing as how you don’t have to pose naked and you can reach out to as many benefactors as you want.  Plus to protect your identity you can use aliases, just like a secret agent (who wants big boobs!)  So upload a picture of yourself eating a chili dog in a bikini and let the lonely middle school guidance counselors of the world fund your surgery as they watch repeats of Battlestar Galactica.

Going Abroad = Cosmetic Surgery + Vacation

After plastic surgery, a certain amount of recovery time is required.  So instead of spending that time on your sofa watching daytime television, why don’t you enjoy the exotic scenery of a small town in Thailand or a pueblo villa in Brazil?  That certainly beats watching The Bonnie Hunt Show.  Not to mention that cosmetic surgery is way cheaper in other parts of the world.  And believe it or not, lots of different countries are getting involved in cosmetic tourism, offering package deals for those who like to save money, look amazing, and get cultured all at the same time.  Plus, telling your co-workers you’re going on vacation is a lot less conspicuous than trying to convince them that you “fell down the stairs” in an attempt to explain your swelling, post-op face.

Generally speaking, Asia and South America offer the cheapest forms of plastic surgery.  At cosmeticsurgerytravel.com, you can set up a trip to Thailand as well as a specific procedure of cosmetic or dental surgery.  They assign you your own personal medical concierge, who helps you plan your trip and helps estimate the cost.  They even pick you up from the airport.  They include five packages, all of which run pretty cheap, considering that most of them include hospital stay and resort recovery, as well as anesthetic and the surgery itself.

Brazil offers similar packages with cosmeticvacations.com, where the clinic’s owner Dr. Ronaldo Pontes and his daughter, Dr. Giselle Pontes, are both members of the International Society of Aesthetic and Plastic Surgery.  Not to mention that they both sound like beautiful soap opera characters (I like to imagine that Ronaldo wears an eye patch).  Furthermore, if you suffer from a flat ass (medical term: pancake butt), then your destination is the Caribbean International Plastic Surgery Centre, located in Venezuela.  They specialize in buttocks augmentation, though they offer other services, such as breast augmentation (starting at $3,500), rhinoplasty ($2,500-3,000), and something called intimate feminine corrections ($1,500-2,000).  If you’re there you might as well get the buttocks augmentation, because any secondary procedure that’s compatible will be 20% off.  And who doesn’t like a good sale?

However, the big daddy of cosmetic tourism seems to be something called Surgeon and Safari (surgeon-and-safari.co.za) located in South Africa.  What better way to recuperate from plastic surgery than a relaxing safari through the South African brush!  Now I’m not positive about this, but if a lion bites your face off on safari, you’ll probably get a pretty good discount on reconstructing it.  But if safari’s not your thing, they also offer luxury hotels in Cape Town and Johannesburg for recovery.

New Practice, Cheap Surgery

It may be worthwhile to peruse the new practices specializing in cosmetic surgery because like any business, they need good publicity.  In this case, you may want to offer your services as a model for those before-and-after pictures that so many cosmetic surgery offices like to plaster on the inside of subway trains.  Think about it, you could be riding the 1 Train, laughing at everyone who grimaces at the picture of your crusty-ass feet emblazoned on the inside of the train.  And why would you be laughing?  Because you got free (or a seriously reduced price on) orthopedic surgery, that’s why.

Likewise, you may want to seek out various med schools, as many of them offer seriously reduced prices on otherwise expensive procedures like nose realignments and face lifts.  Yes, there is some risk that your med student surgeon was up all night doing beer-bongs.  However, most intensive procedures (such as cutting up an actual human being) will be supervised and monitored by practicing physicians.  Obviously, the more upscale the med school is, the better the treatment will be.  Just make sure the med school isn’t attached to a mall and you should be okay.

The information in the article is not intended to substitute for the medical expertise and advice of your health care provider. We encourage you to discuss any decisions about treatment or care with an appropriate health care provider.