Get him to put down his guns, and remove the hostility by agreeing with him!
"Script your own statement of agreement"
Always agree. That's right! Even if you still think your partner is wrong! If you talk about where they are wrong they become more wrong, and if you talk about where they are right they immediately become less wrong. You see, most people don't know that if you agree and sound sincere to the other person while refraining from defending yourself they will actually defend you! They will not only defend you, but in many cases will actually reverse their position. Now, I don't at all mean that you should agree to every request that your partner has and reduce your self respect to the bottomless pit of no return. I want you to agree with what they blame you for, in regard to the relationship crisis.
I will admit that this is difficult, and you will be tempted to argue with and criticize your partner in an attempt to change them. However, if you wish to save your relationship you must try and avoid this behavior by putting your emotions aside! Your partner says, "You know I don't love you anymore, you don't understand me, and we never communicate." Your initial reaction would be to defend yourself by attacking their short comings! Avoid doing this at all costs!!!! Instead, try these two simple phrases; I agree, and I understand. Tell them that you agree, and that you understand they have been asking you for a change, and you haven't given it to them, so you don't blame them for not wanting to be in the relationship any longer. You may at first feel like your moving toward ending the relationship, but really you are getting to the root of why they feel the relationship isn't working. They want the relationship to end because you're always disagreeing with and trying to change them, and they have asked you for a change, but you haven't given it to them. They don't want to end a relationship with someone that is always happy and on their side. You're supposed to be in this together! Think about it! What did you do when you first fell in love? Didn't you agree with your partner and feel as if you had connected and were on the same side? So, what happened?
Many of us get overwhelmed with life and begin to neglect our relationship, and the negative self limiting beliefs that are buried in our subconscious begin to surface! We seem to forget that it's ok for our partner to be themselves. Isn't them being themselves what you fell in love with? Yet we begin to operate on life auto pilot and expect our partner to do everything exactly the way we would. Do you really want them to be just like you? Please! Can you only imagine living with another you? The bottom line is do they want to be with someone that they feel is not on their side? Of course they don't! However, before any of the good feelings can show through you have got to get them to put down their guns!
So in summary, Agree with them, act completely happy about everything. Just enthusiastically see it their way and go on about your business. Not convinced! Give it a try for the next two weeks, without telling your mate anything about what you're doing. You've got to be consistent with this though. Do not pressure your partner at all! This does not at all mean distancing yourself or not having any contact with your partner. However, it does mean pulling back a bit, and sticking to small talk and happy talk. The best way I can describe what your demeanor should be like is confident humility!!! In other words, agree with what there blaming you for, but be happy and confident in whom you are.
Desperation is not attractive to anyone, and it will surely drive your partner away very quickly. Serious talk will only hurt the relationship at this point. Do not discuss the issues that put you into the crisis in the first place. You see, all of the talking is over at this point! You must show them that you have changed!
Let me caution you about over rowing the relationship boat! Do not think for one moment you can jump to your partners beckon call and do everything and anything because it will fix your marriage!!! Not only will over rowing the boat not fix it, but it will sink it!
Whatever you do refrain from saying that you love them and that you have changed. When you tell them that you love them what you're really saying is that you want something different than they do and you don't really care about what they want.
When you tell them you have changed, what you're really saying is, give me my way and what I want is more important than what you want! Agree with them, and do it quickly. Why? It will save you a lot of grief, your pride, your energy and you will end up getting the things that you want much more than arguing or disagreeing with them.
To begin drafting your statement of agreement you must first assess what your partner blames you for in regard to the failing relationship. These items should by no means involve the superficial behaviors that occur on the surface, but should include things that have been very damaging to the relationship, such as being overly critical, verbally abusive, controlling, a lack of intimacy, and a lack of understanding to name a few. I have drafted a statement of agreement below in order to outline an example of the context. Bear in mind that you can modify the statement to best fit the dynamics of your relationship crisis.
Once, you have drafted a statement of agreement you must prepare to present it to your partner. You must be absolutely certain of what to say, and it must be presented with the utmost confidence. Do not display any anger or resentment, or you will undermine the entire process.
The following statement of agreement is based on a relationship, which the partner blames and resents his wife for being verbally abusive, and controlling, which has caused the crisis to escalate to the point of separation.
Her Statement of Agreement:
I have been thinking about some things and I want you to know that I agree with you and I understand. I know that there have been times when I have been verbally abusive and have said things to you that I shouldn't have. I also know that because of my own fears I have been very controlling in our relationship. Never wanting you to have any friends, and always being suspicious of where you are and what you're doing, even though you've never given me a reason to feel that way. I know that you have asked me for a change and I haven't given you one, so I honestly don't blame you for feeling the way that you do. And, I don't blame you for wanting the separation! I just wanted to tell you that I understand. Draft your statement of agreement Once you have presented your statement of agreement to your partner, it is imperative that you refrain from returning to your old behavior, or you will undermine the entire process.
The purpose of the statement of agreement is to end the hostility in the relationship; it is by no means a quick fix to solving your relationship crisis! Think of it as laying the ground work, and borrowing some time for you to make the real changes. Therefore, you should spend this time focusing on the changes that you need to make, not the changes that you feel your partner needs to make.
Best wishes,
David Roppo
Relationship Coach
For more information on How to save your relationship subscribe to my Free E-Zine
How to Save a Relationship
