Reading the Signs of Divorce

Since the beginning of 1970s, social developmental psychologists such as Allport and Erikson have stated that a divorce has to be a well-thought decision – planned and conceived in detail. A couple should not divorce merely because they have too less sex or they work long hours and fail to spend time with the family. Allport argues that these are trivial issues which do not actually constitute a threat to the marriage. These issues can always be sorted by the couple through mutual dialogue and discussion. These negative vibes or conditions can be reversed with marriage counselling. In other words, these negative behaviours can be seen as warning signs to tell a couple that all is not well in the marriage.

The basic problem lies when couples fail to realise and accept the true meaning of marriage. According to Allport, modern couples enter into matrimony without grasping the true meaning and demands of marriage. When dreams meet actual harsh reality, conflicts are bound to occur. These conflicts and disagreements are camouflaged by social feelings of love, trust, arrival of a baby, change of job or house. A couple prefers to sweep these minor disagreements under the carpet. But this is a wrong attitude. Minor disagreements do have the capacity to escalate and become major problems causing a marital breakdown. Thus, it becomes extremely critical to read and grasp these minor irritant differences and solve them with your partner before things get out of hand.

A primary change is easily seen in intimate behaviour between the couple. The couple seems to spend more time individually preferring to do activities by themselves. Some social psychologists hold that it is important for a couple to have the same set of friends. This makes intimate behaviour easier in the form of romance, banter, laughter and joint activity. A couple can sense that something is wrong in the marriage if they or their partner does not reciprocate their feelings and gestures. There is a reluctance to indulge in sensual behaviour of touch, taste, smell and sexual intimacy. Related to this comes the concept of lack of mutual trust and respect. As romance fades, trust and respect are also threatened. The couple fails to see eye-to-eye on many issues and refuses to compromise fearing that if they give in one time, it would indicate a weak nature.

Allport argues that this behaviour stems from selfish ego-driven natures which refuse to make way for pluralistic familial goals. Partners do not perceive themselves as a team anymore – working hard individually to fulfil personal goals for the satisfaction of the ultimate familial goal. Spouses would rather work for themselves; fulfil their own selfish desires at the cost of the other partner. This attitude and behaviour often fan the flames of hatred and a desire to hurt the spouse. There is a tendency to distrust each other on every issue of finance, property and even children. This is followed by abusing or criticising the spouse in front of other people i.e. the partner tends to disrespect the spouse.

Lack of respect and interest can be followed by physical, sexual and emotional abuse. At this stage, it is important to draw a line between intimate behaviour and abusive behaviour. Intimate behaviour does not harm the other person while abusive behaviour does. It strips away the self-esteem and personality of the individual making him or her fearful and feeble. Abuse is usually marked by a disinterest in spousal activities of house renovation or shopping – activities which were earlier enjoyed by both spouses. There is a tendency to be quarrelsome and irritable – trying to avoid speaking to spouse. This is generally followed by a break even in the pretence of keeping the marriage together. The spouses begin to start making social appearances alone. Family outings and gatherings are reduced. Spouses don’t even attend any school activity of the child together – they go alone. Finally, they start sleeping in separate bedrooms and cooking their own meals.

They don’t indulge in romantic talk anymore and prefer to lead separate lives. It is vital that such signs are recognized right at the beginning and professional help is sought to reverse the situation. Social psychologists argue that a marriage has to be perceived as a partnership of mutual trust, love and respect. Both the partners have an equal say in the marriage and when this attitude governs the marital relationship, there is little chance of divorce signs and warning signals entering the picture to cause alarm.