Salvaging a Marriage

It is a common trend symbolizing the social environment of each country. But divorce requires planning and decision-making. The initial winds of change are seen when one of the spouses feels a change in the marriage situation. Social psychologists such as Allport have argued since the 1970s that only the people involved in the marriage i.e. the two spouses, know exactly what is going wrong with their marital relationship and why the marriage is hurtling towards a divorce.

When a couple knows that they are heading for divorce, every attempt should be made to salvage the marital relationship. The couple owes it to themselves, their children and their own respective families – before bowing out of the marriage; they have to try at least once through a professional. Even after professional help, divorce is inevitable; no on can be blamed and, consequently, the divorce follows a path of amiability. Social psychologists argue that the best measure to take is to seek help from marital counsellor who has the ability to put everything in the right perspective. The first few sessions are tough and embarrassing. In fact, couples often resent opening up their private life in front of a stranger. But, as social psychologists claim that perhaps a deteriorating marital relationship does need a neutral perspective – perhaps the couple is too close to the situation to properly analyse it and reach a decision. Professional marriage counselling should not be viewed as a magic potion which has the power to fix a bad marriage. The counsellor will simply tell you the facts, bare your feelings and guide both of you, as a couple through the process of analysing all the pros and cons of divorce. The counsellor simply aims to inform the client of the true harsh reality. In doing this, maybe some sensitive feathers are ruffled as negative feelings may come to the fore. Marriage counselling cannot guarantee that a marriage will be as it was before the marital problems started. It shows you the way to work on issues jointly.

Thus, the first step involves interviewing both the partners as to know the exact cause. Many times, partners are unaware of the actual cause of marital conflict and are only aware of a deep feeling of frustration and anger towards each other. The counsellor has to explore this and probe this gently – what is it that is driving the two partners apart? Usually, marriages often encounter problems as both partners fail to grow in the marriage in a similar fashion. They view marriage differently which makes their marital expectations, needs, ambitions and demands quite different from each other. In addition, this is an age where importance is being given to the Id constituent of human personality. People are becoming selfish and looking for individual satisfaction and goal fulfilment. The concepts of familial and joint goals and satisfactions are fast fading out. All these factors are external as well as internal and it is the responsibility of the counsellor to sift through the haze to pin down the exact cause of marital conflict. Here, it is crucial to note that the counsellor requires the full support and cooperation of both parties. There is no point in trying to salvage a marriage if both partners have made up their minds to end it permanently.

After the detection of the cause, the counsellor must observe and talk to each partner independently. This helps the counsellor to gauge the behaviour, personality and perspective of both the partners. Then, the counsellor has to get both the partners together and make way for a two-way free and direct communication channel. The counsellor at this stage must maintain a neutral distance from the dialogue and refrain from posting blame on any partner for the conflict. The dialogue initiates a mutual exchange of views concerning all marital issues including finances, personal desires and satisfaction levels including expectations, needs and finally the issue of children. At this point, some decisions to save the marriage are taken by the partners themselves with useful hints from the counsellor --- maybe the partners need to be more sexually intimate with each other to be on the same wavelength – maybe they need to engage in joint activities of socializing, going to markets, and doing outdoor activities to develop mutual respect and appreciation for each other. At this juncture, the counsellor can introduce behavioural exercises to get the partners working if mere guidance is proving unfruitful.

Behavioural exercises force both the partners to seek each other’s help, rely on each other and generally develop trust and affection for each other. The premise of behavioural exercise states that a marriage counsellor should not see both parties as husband and wife but as strangers who have to build the blocks to a steady relationship. These exercises include doing joint activities, noting own behavioural reactions including facial expressions. Behavioural exercises do not work the first few times as the partners find themselves arguing about every slight point in any activity but, gradually, the partners learn to rely on each other. The success of the behavioural exercise is dependent on the couple’s awareness that they are a single entity – their marriage is always undergoing changes but they need each other to achieve and fulfil personal goals which ultimately go a long way in achieving the long-term familial goal.