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If you’re screaming on the inside (or on the outside come to think of it), pulling your hair out, summoning up all the patience you can, and using your reserves too, you are not alone in parenting a teenager. Teens can easily do this to you. Your once sweet, obedient, innocent little child has changed, almost overnight, into a bad-tempered, rude, disobedient and crude ‘being’. They seem to become separated from us, to ignore us, and to retreat into their own world.
The key point to know is that it’s nothing you have done. You’ve done the best you can. This stage in your child’s life is naturally going to be turbulent. It’s how you deal with it that can either help or hinder your teen’s transition through this stage. So how can we help ourselves and our teens?
1. Do not take your teen’s behaviour as a personal attack on you. Your teen is building his individuality and preparing to separate from you for adulthood, and often rebellion, challenging rules and values ia away of doing this – finding his own individuality.
2. Your teen seems, almost overnight, to have changed into a different person. This is because he is figuring out the whole world for a second time – not as a little child as before, but as an adult. He has to do this for himself and will often ignore what you say.
3. It is imperative that you take action. If your teen is not talking to you, or has issues that she is struggling with, then take action. Problems don’t go away if you ignore them. Communicate by talking and listening to your teen. Probably 90% listening and 10% talking from you is a good ratio.
4. Your most powerful tool in parenting a teen is a strong relationships of trust, respect, support and listening. When your teen answers back or shows disrespect, it is your reaction that is what determines how you conversations, and ultimately, your relationship goes. It isn’t easy, but if you can stay calm, and get your message across without heated debate and shouting, then you will not be ‘fanning the flames’, often caused by the teen temperament.
5. A good way of building a strong relationship is by giving your teen special time. At bedtime, even though she may retreat to her room, give a knock on the door, go in and have a chat. By a ‘chat’ I mean, rather than firing questions or prying into her life (she values her privacy) – just chat, but on a level playing field, talking to her as an adult. Still cuddle your teen – she values this. If you do not make the effort to do this yourself, it may not happen, and your teen may feel lonely and have feelings of self-doubt. Teenagers still need to feel loved and significant like everyone else.
6. Organise a day out, or shopping trip together, whatever your teen likes to do best, just you and her. Personally, I remember when my mum took me out to lunch or treated me and it was a special time. Such times are fond memories that have stayed with me throughout adulthood.
7. Remember that to a teen the most significant area of their lives is their peers, about how they look to their peers and how they fit in. They also look to their peers for help and advice on issues, rather than looking to you. Consequently, some of the advice they are getting may not be good advice. There may not be much you can do about this, but by communicating, without prying too much, can give you better involvement as a parent, and may give you an idea of what’s going on in your teen’s world. Respect your teen’s privacy. If he feels he cannot trust you, then communication may break down.
The seemingly sudden onset of teenage behaviour is something that can come as shock and confusion to parents. The key point to know is that it is only a phase and that it will pass. Your key role as a parent is to maintain that strong, trusting and supportive relationship throughout, to enable your teen to deal with the changes in his life, and prepare himself for a happy and fulfilling adult life.
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