I often write about saving marriages that many believe are irretrievably broken. Sometimes, people write me and ask how they can tell if their spouse is changing their minds about the divorce. They want to know if certain behaviors that they are starting to see are good signs or if they are just seeing what they want to see. In the following article, I'll tell you what you should be doing if you're trying to change your spouse's mind about the divorce and also what signs to look for that indicate that the plan is working.
First, Do You Have The Right Plan To Change Your Husband's Mind?:Before I tell you the signs to look for, I'd like to go over some things that I've found to be very effective in turning things around. First off, it's so important that you understand that whatever plan you're using should not be eliciting negative emotions. Many spouses will make the mistake of trying to play "hard ball," or to "call his bluff." This behavior only pushes your spouse further away.
I also see people go to the opposite extreme as they become almost subservient to their spouse – making desperate promises that things are going to be different, trying to engage their spouse or pushing their buttons, or playing the guilt or pity cards. All these things do is make you appear less than desirable and push your spouse to want to escape as soon as they possibly can.
It's far better to focus on the positive. Yes, I know that very little may seem positive right now, but it's important to act "as if" it already has. It's important that your spouse knows that you respect their feelings and want them to be happy. Explain that you'd like to help them to achieve this – whether that includes you or not. It's important that they feel validated and heard. And, even if you and I both know that you don't agree with them at all, it's important that you respect their right to feel this way and communicate the same. It's also important that they know that they are important enough to you that you'd like to preserve the relationship no matter where it is going.
Why are you making all of these concessions? Because, in a sense, you need to disarm them. Their defenses are probably up right now and they're limiting their access to you. So, in order to change their mind, you need for them to have an open mind and to allow you free access so that you can replace the negative feelings with positive ones.
It's important that they see you in a positive light right now. To do this, you need to make sure you're displaying your best features and are conducting yourself with dignity and grace. And, you need to make sure that they see that you respect yourself enough to continue to do what makes you happy. Take care of yourself. See friends. Make the best of things. Don't sit around and mope. Make sure that they know that you too can take advantage of this break.
Many people ask me if they should try to make their spouses jealous or insinuate that they are seeing other people. I think the best tactic here is to let them know that you're going out with girlfriends and let them speculate if guys will approach you, but I don't think that you should ever let them think you're seeing someone else. You want to display yourself as a woman who still loves her husband, but who is respecting his wishes and respecting herself as well.
The Signs That Indicate Your Husband Just Might Be Changing His Mind About Divorcing You:So how do you know this plan is working? You'll start to see positive emotions. He'll smile rather than frown when he looks at you. His body language will be more open and less closed off. You'll start to see more intimate gestures like rubbing your arm, brushing the bangs out of your eyes, and "accidentally" brushing against you. He may ask you if you "remember the time you" (fill in the blank) to see if you can reignite some of the spark. In essence, he'll be feeling you out, but he's also inching in closer.
Many women ask me if their husband becomes crazy jealous or frustrated, does this mean that he still has strong feelings (and that this is a good thing?) Maybe, but I'd rather see a smile on his face than frustration. Jealousy and frustration are still negative emotions that he is associating with you and you really need to replace these with positive emotions.
What you really want is for him to start initiating contact and mutual experiences that you can share. You want to peak his interest and you want to create some sense of mystery and excitement in the same way that you did when you were first dating. So, if he begins to show interest, play along, but don't give him a free pass or appear desperate or subservient. This is when you can stop making all of the concessions and doing all the work. Your best case scenario is that you're able to reignite his interest and then he begins to be the initiator because now the marriage is back on equal ground and you're both equally committed to working things out.
How do I know all this? Because I have lived it. I had to use the same methods to save my own marriage. I made a lot of mistakes at first that almost cost me dearly, but I was able to change course. Luckily, over time (and by taking slow, calculated baby steps), I was able to reestablish intimacy and prevent the divorce, even though I was the only one who wanted to at the time. You can read a very personal story on my blog at
