Sandra rushed into her counseling session 10 minutes late. Apologizing profusely she moaned, "Sorry I'm late. There's never enough time in the day to get everything I need to get done. I always feel like I'm rushing to get to the next thing. Is it ever going to stop?" Sandra's complaint made me pause, because I too was feeling stressed and overwhelmed, anxious about all the things that needed to get done. But for every item that got crossed off my "to do" list, five more got added. I know Sandra and I are not alone. Frequently, I see women who habitually forsake adequate sleep and consume too much caffeine just to have the time and energy to get everything done and keep their lives and their family's schedules running smoothly. What's all this busyness about and how do we help our clients (and often ourselves) slow down and gain balance in their lives?
A Look Behind Busyness As Christian counselors, one goal we strive for is to teach our clients to live in more God honoring ways. However, implementing the right treatment requires an accurate diagnosis. When dealing with a stressed out, harried woman, merely addressing the outward behavior is often not sufficient. Relaxation techniques, time management strategies and assertiveness training may all be part of helping a woman manage a stressful life in a healthier way, but it is often not enough. If we do not take the time to look for what is "driving" or "ruling" her frenzied activity, we cannot teach her to pause and learn how to make better choices. It is important we understand why a woman expects herself to function like a machine instead of a person. What drives her to have such grandiose expectations of herself? Why has her doing overwhelmed her being? Let us examine two causes I find that underlie many women's perpetual busyness. Cultural pressures. We live in a world that defines a person's value and worth by his or her productivity and efficiency. How much we get done and how well we can do it are the benchmarks of a good day or professional success. The more efficiently we produce, the better we feel.
The downside, however, is that continued good feelings depend on keeping up the momentum of doing more. This does not come without a cost. What often gets sacrificed in the whirlwind of too much doing is our being—and our relationships with others. God defines personhood and success very differently than our culture does. Jesus warns, "What will it be for a man if he gains the whole world, yet forfeits his soul?" (Matthew 16:26). From Christ's perspective, success is not measured by how much we do but by how well we love and what kind of person we are becoming, even in the midst of life's activities. As Christians, we readily acknowledge the truth of God's word, but in our daily lives, many of us still fall prey to prioritizing productivity over building relationships and growing in godly character. How can we detect when someone (including ourselves) has slipped into this cultural mindset? Pay attention to what gets sacrificed or put on the back burner when time is crunched.
Is it your doing or your being? When my children were young, I chose not to work outside the home so I would have plenty of quality time to spend with them during their formative years. But even there, I often found myself bowing down to the idol of productivity and efficiency, impatiently yelling at my children when their needs and demands disrupted what I wanted to get done for the day. What that showed me was getting things done was more important to me than growing in patience and practicing gentleness with my children. When approaching a client who struggles with feeling useless or purposeless unless they are in a constant state of activity, remind her that God tells us that we are not to be conformed to this world's way of thinking, but to renew our mind with His perspective on life (Romans 12:2). Thomas à Kempis writes in his classic book, The Imitation of Christ, "Blessed are the ears that catch the pulses of the divine whisper and give no heed to the whisperings of this world."
Encourage her to intentionally take time to be still so that her mind may be renewed with God's truth. In this empty space, she can quietly reflect upon God and his goodness, remembering ways He has met her needs in the past. Or, she can pray and journal, quietly listening to what God has to say to her about her value and His love for her. Other ways she might practice being instead of doing is to take a walk, not just for exercise, but to notice God's beauty in nature, or she can call a friend just to talk, not to plan an activity. As she practices these small changes, help her keep track of her thoughts and feelings, especially when she becomes anxious that she is not getting as much done. Journaling will expose the underlying lies about productivity and busyness and whether they are rooted in cultural expectations or other pressures or fears in her life. People Pressures. A second reason many women try to do it all is that their well-being revolves not around productivity, but around receiving the approval and acceptance of people in their lives. People pleasers cannot bear the idea that someone might be disappointed or displeased with them in any way. As a result, they frantically do the things they believe they must do in order for others to be happy with them, to accept them, to approve of them and/or to need them. They are terrified of rejection and bend over backward so they will not be abandoned, unneeded or disliked.
Sandra's tardiness for her counseling session was a regular pattern. Sandra was so busy tending to everyone else's needs in her life that she often lost track of time. She rarely made her own needs a priority and frequently sacrificed herself not only to meet another's needs, but also to satisfy many of their wants. When I asked Sandra to look at why her needs always came last, she responded, "God wants us to love others and meet their needs." When pressed further, Sandra felt selfish if she used her time for herself and believed she should never say "no" to anyone if she could possibly say "yes." I took Sandra to Mark 1:29-38, where Jesus recognized his limitations and took time out for both sleep and prayer. When Jesus decided to leave Peter's house and go to nearby villages to preach, he left many people unhealed, disappointed and perhaps even angry with him. Jesus knew that he could not do it all, nor did he try. He only did what His Father told him to do. Jesus was never dependent on what others thought of him but only what His Father thought of him. The scriptures encourage us to do likewise (Galatians 1:10). Until you help your client put an axe to the root of her problem (the fear of man and her inner sense of unworthiness), she will not be able to curtail her outward busyness. In a moment of anger or exhaustion she may stop for a bit, but soon the cycle starts up again and her desire to please people and win their approval triumphs over her desire to take better care of herself or even please God. Sandra's outer life resembled mine— although for different reasons, we were both too busy.
It is important that we examine the reasons why a woman continually pressures herself to overextend and overcommit. Learn to Intentionally Choose _Being_ Over _Doing_ Recently, I sat out on my deck and watched the sun set over the hills. It was breathtaking. I could not remember the last time I noticed it. God gently reminded me that He gives me this spectacular gift every night, but that I have been too busy to notice. Busyness always dulls awareness, which is one of Satan's favorite ploys. Whether he keeps us deceived into thinking that meaning and purpose are found in our productivity or people- pleasing tendencies, or blinds us to other problems brewing in our lives through our non-stop lifestyles, Satan distracts us from God's perspective and eternal realities, which are the truest things there are. Jesus has something to say to those of us who do too much. He says, "Are you tired? Worn out? Burned out on religion? Come to me. Get away with me and you will recover your life. I will show you how to take a real rest. Walk with me and work with me—watch how I do it. Learn the unforced rhythms of grace.Take help from telephone therapist .
I will not lay anything heavy or ill-fitting on you. Keep company with me and you will learn to live freely and lightly" (Matthew 11:28-30, MSG). Superwoman is a fantasy and an idol. Let us instead follow the example of Mary of Bethany when she sat at Christ's feet instead of scurrying about like her sister Martha. Jesus said she made the better choice. No woman can do it all or have it all. Therefore, we must learn to make wise choices based on what God values and His purposes for our lives. When doing compromises our being, we are out of balance. Doing is important but only when it serves our being—the person we are or who God calls us to be. _Leslie Vernick, MSW, LCSW, is a licensed clinical social worker in private practice near Allentown, Pennsylvania. She is a popular speaker for women's conferences, couple's retreats and professional workshops. She is the author of Getting Over the Blues: A Woman's Guide to Fighting Depression (Harvest House, 2005) and How to Act Right When Your Spouse Acts Wrong (WaterBrook, 2001).
