Take Care of Me
Being a girl is beautiful. Lot many people are of the opinion that, being a girl means a favored bias.
And it's also true to an extent. But what I am writing is about me.
A single daughter, pampered people say, spoilt says some. I've always been a topper in whatsoever I did. In myriad spheres of life I have been the best. I am even now. I have a very motivating principle for myself"I am the best".
But the purpose of this article is not my assets n achievements, it's about my vulnerabilities.
Staying alone far from family, managing studies, and day to day stuff, it's easy, though at times things aren't in favor. But still on a wider perspective it's easy I accept. But this is killing my true self each day. Since the people around me know that I can manage things, more n more of them are getting dependant on in one way or the other. I take responsibilities for many.
Let me elaborate a little on what I am penning down about. I am an engineering student, unfortunately a good student, teachers have expectations. Being good in managing things again puts me in tasks like managing events etc. I started taking mathematics tuitions out of interest but my students rely on me for almost each sum in the book. On top of it a pre MBA coaching I got to manage. And the most important one I am managing is a hostler life.
All this seems as if yet another student brooding of the pressures he/she survives, but it is not so.
It's a fact that I am a girl. Don't laugh out this statement it has a deep meaning. I am just far behind time. Just like shahrukh in "My Name Is Khan", I believe that everything is simply distinguished between good and bad. When I go out for any official work, for e.g. in a bank, the response is sometimes negative and sometimes I get good representatives, the point is in any case I never think biased about good and bad. When my day goes bad, I just say may be not my day. But at the end I have feelings of happiness and sorrows, depending on how the day was.
Now coming to the main objective of my article. I want people around me to take care of me. I am not saying everybody, but at least few I can ask for. Since the prevailing conditions of my life have hidden my vulnerabilities from all, it's really difficult to connect my innermost feelings with anyone. Everybody is of the opinion that I can manage out all odds and evens. But it is not so. I am a simple girl.
What I want is when I get tired I can sleep on my mom's lap, when I am afraid I can seek someone to drive away my fears. When I score well its not appraisal that I want, I just want to lay back with someone and boost my pride, which I feel inside on a good result. I want to live each and every emotion I feel.
When it's a good weather out, I want to enjoy. On Sundays I want to party. I want to ponder over nothing for hours. I want to talk for long hours with friends. I want to gossip. I want to do the most unimportant thing one can think of with elaboration.
But when it doesn't happen, its kills my emotions one by one.
I don't want that to happen. But it seems like there is no way around.
I got a mom who is very caring but she doesn't at times understand my feelings. Many times she doesn't seem to understand that I am not happy. My dad, a gem, but again an emotional back up I search for misses here too.
My boyfriend, I am the luckiest on earth to have a person like him in my life, but again he , like all others doesn't think that I am such a weak one at heart.
My friends think I can have problems.
In short I don't have a gateway to let flow my real emotions. It hurts, it hurts a lot. But I cannot blame it on anyone because no one is responsible for it. It's me who has the problem and it's me to find out the answers too. But how and where, I just don't know.
With time I have learnt to live the way people think I am. But at times, I miss my true self. This is something I am always introspecting but always there isn't any solution. Consulting or sharing it with anyone has no solution because they don't see what the problem is.
I just want my people to take care of me. Although 21years of age, I am still a kid at heart. I really don't want to kill that kid inside. It's suffocating to live such a life and I am afraid that on day the kid dies.
I don't want to die.
