In the history of human beings, can you identify anyone who has ever made a name for themselves for being ‘nice’? And if you are thinking of Nelson Mandela, Mahatma Gandhi, or Florence Nightingale, all three used their powerful personas to influence others, not the fact that they were or are ‘nice’.
‘Nice’ really is an insipid little word. It says nothing. It evokes no feeling and generates no dazzling image. Picture your own obituary reading: ‘She was always nice’. No reference to character quirks, no personality foibles, just an infinitely forgettable lifetime of being blandly nice.
The dictionary tells the story of the origin of this dull little non-word.
It has its history in Middle English and Latin terms that mean ‘stupid’ or ‘ignorant’. In effect, this is what ‘nice’ looks like because always being nice means having to fit in or go along with, with no confrontation, no argument. So it’s no wonder that from the time a girl is squeezed out of the womb, she is programmed to be nice. She’s drilled to be society’s doormat and like a robot, she’s engineered to please.
So conditioned are women to believe in the nobility of niceness that many think congeniality is their default setting.
“What’s wrong with this?” was a question posed to me by a radio interviewer. “Someone,” she said “has got to be nice and look after everyone else.”
But why does it always have to be a woman?
Of course the pay-off of niceness benefits the males around her, from her father and brothers initially, to her lovers, partners and sons later on. So it shouldn’t come as a surprise that we women are conned into being nice. We are led to believe it will get us what we want.
Women buy this scam because there is an element of truth in it. Others are far more likely to cooperate with people that they like, but does being nice really make women likeable? How can anyone be trusted who is nice all the time?
Men get what they want because they are respected, admired or even feared but do women get their needs met, or their own way, because they’re being nice? Nice is annoying to be around, it makes people on the receiving end feel awkward. So more likely being nice, rather than being assertive or demanding, means women’s wishes are easier to ignore.
Being nice has its price. To behave this way requires being lobotomized from one’s real persona. This translates into stifling one’s desires and exorcising one’s wishes and needs. It is an extreme form of self-censorship that forces women to live half a life.
Such a life prescription is a behavioural straight-jacket that society dictates for women and - because of this - just behind the veil of niceness lurks a dark shadow; rage.
Phyllis Chesler – author ofWomen’s Inhumanity to Women – refers to this as the ‘tyranny of niceness’ and you’d better believe that the sweeter a woman is, the greater the rage. Through her smile she is hissing her fury and, if confronted, she’ll flee into denial. As nice people’s lives are one big hidden agenda, they are capable of some of the worst forms of betrayal.
Rage is destructive energy that mobilises us to fight. Stymieing this fighting spirit with a veneer of niceness stuffs the rage into our system causing us to battle with ourselves. This leads to all manner of problems including: depression, panic attacks, phobias, controlling behaviour, perfectionism, hypochondria, addictions, anorexia, bulimia, obesity, obsessive-compulsive disorder (OCD), jaw tightening and self-mutilation. So powerful is this rage that links are also being made to cancer, infertility and an increasing incidence of heart attacks in women.
Instead of gagging your rage, make best friends with the bitch inside, for she’s the one who will protect you. The bitch fights injustices; she doesn’t nag, whine or squabble about petty things. But she will put her foot down when others take your generosity for granted. Ironically, only with her protection do women feel safe enough to reveal the softer aspects of their authentic character, like vulnerability for instance.
Although the bitch is usually condemned, she’s the one who protects the integrity and strength of our genuine female nature, and it is through her that women can reach wholeness. So instead of being inauthentically nice, retrieve your power by stirring the cauldron that feeds the ancient witch/bitch archetype of the wise woman inside.
