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The emotional side of having a prenup will effect how people develop or change in a relationship. It will effect how they view their options.
Men and women have changed over the last several decades. Things are much different than they were. You must adapt to the current environment. Years ago, you would not even think about sitting down with a lawyer before getting married. The only thing you had to worry about was if you truly loved each other, and if it would last forever.
If you look at any major financial decision you will make in your life, it's hard to imagine that you would do it without consulting an expert or lawyer. There is no bigger legal commitment you will make in your life. Nothing else you do will automatically give anyone else that much of a stake in your life.
Never enter an arena in which you cannot win. That theory holds true for everything in life. If the cards are stacked against you, don't go there. If you're looking at an investment and you're not in absolute control and don't know everything about it, don't do it. The world of marriage without a prenup for a hard-working man is an arena in which you cannot win. Don't go there until the rules are such that it is fair and you can win. You can only make those rules fair in the prenup.
There are two different, important perspectives you have to look at when deciding that you should insist on a prenup. There are the financial ramifications, and there are the psychological ramifications.
One of the basic rules of business is that you never get involved with a partner unless they have at least as much to lose as you. Hooking up with someone who has more than you is a very attractive scenario. Chances are, you will benefit in some way from their larger resource of wealth. This holds true in marriage. Since marriage is the ultimate partnership, that rule is even more important.
Women understand that more than you think. They usually are struggling through life or looking to get to a higher level and looking for someone whose coattails they can latch onto to propel them into that better life.
I said there are two factors at play when contemplating a prenup. The financial ramifications are clear. However, the psychological ones are not. For all of you who think the psychological implications are not important, read on.
I have an older friend who is very successful. After his wife's death, he went into seclusion for almost two years. When he finally started getting out a little bit, he started seeing a couple of women. None really sparked his interest.
Finally, he met one who truly piqued his interest. She was not like the rest. She seemed much more genuine. The fact that he was then in his late sixties and she was in her early thirties didn't bother him, as his previous wife had also been twenty-three years his junior.
They dated for a couple of years, and finally, being a relatively old-school guy, he decided they should marry. His net worth was eight digits, his annual income usually seven digits. She, on the other hand, had three menial jobs when they met. Negligible net worth and income. Not to mention once they got serious, she moved in with him and quit all her jobs.
She was looking after his personal affairs at home.
He and I were out one night when he broke it to me that he wished to marry her. I couldn't believe he was not even considering talking to his lawyers. He was going to just get married, no questions asked, no prenup whatsoever.
After debating this issue with him for a few weeks, I finally got to him. How I got to him had nothing to do with the money. Prior to my last-ditch pitch in favor of a prenup, he had concluded that even if they got a divorce, he could easily afford it.
He believed that his financial stature was so strong that he could handle writing a check for a large amount of money if he had to. What I told him as my last pitch made him change his mind. I said, "Maybe you can afford to get a divorce financially, but can you afford having her dump you for a much younger guy after two years and have the two of them live happily ever after on your nickel, while you look like the old fool?"
Regardless of her present intentions, she would be swayed in her demeanor by her options and level of security. Her tolerance would be raised or lowered based on her options. If they wed without a prenup, she would know that if the marriage failed, she would be handsomely looked after for the rest of her life.
What incentive would she have to tolerate him, especially since it was no secret to everyone that he was high-maintenance and somewhat hard to live with? His expectations of her were high. How long would she tolerate jumping through all his hoops when she knew that by leaving him, she would still have the lifestyle without his crap to go along with it?
On the other hand, if they signed a prenup, her incentive to stay would be clear. She was living a life she had only heard of or seen on TV. She was driving a Porsche, living in a multimillion-dollar home on the lake, traveling all winter Cat skiing and Heli skiing, and cruising the world. If they divorced with a prenup, she would have no chance of continuing with this lifestyle. She also would likely have to go back to work and move back into a townhouse. Not a very nice prospect after living the life she had become accustomed to.
Now if anyone thinks that those two different scenarios would not affect the way she dealt with him, how she treated him, and how high her tolerance would be, I can tell you that you are a fool. It absolutely would affect her demeanor and her tolerance of him. With the prenup, she now has to make the marriage work because she has the most to lose if it doesn't.
Without a prenup, it wouldn't matter. If it worked, fine; if not, even better. Again, we're back to the whole options thing. With a prenup, you have limited her options, thereby raising her tolerance. She will be more honest with you and put forth a more genuine effort to make things work. She won't make mountains out of molehills.
They have been happily married for 12 years. Now the money is no issue. She is genuinely happy for all the right reasons. They would have never gotten to that point without the prenup. Ironically, what she saw as her nemesis, the prenup, is what facilitated her lifelong dream of happiness forever.
Bottom line is this, a good prenuptial agreement will probably never have to be used. It will be the instrument that keeps both sides honest and working to keep things together. Just like good fences make good neighbors, good prenups make good spouses.
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