I often write about saving marriages. It makes me very happy when I'm able to help a wife prevent a divorce and restore happiness in her marriage. So, it's safe to say that I dialog with a lot of women (and sometimes men too) who have a spouse who has left the home (or who at least is threatening to.)
Almost always, my first step is to ask the spouse at home what went wrong. I'm usually given vague answers like stress, infidelity, money problems, clashing personalities, repeated fighting, etc. And, they're usually very shocked and sometimes argumentative when I tell them that these external things are really not the heart of the problem – that if they were able to fix something else, the rest would fall into place. In truth, husband's don't leave because of what's happening. They leave because of what's not happening. I'll explain what I mean by this in the following article.
What Husbands Tell Me About Why They Leave:As I said before, I do have a good deal of husbands who contact me. Many of them are the one who initiated the separation or split. They are often very honest with me because I'm an impartial, objective outsider and I suspect that think that being a woman myself, I can give them some insight that would help.
When they explain why they left, they'll often start with the external things that I mentioned before – stress, falling out of love, money, etc. However, when I dig deeper, I almost always find the same thing – a lack of intimacy, appreciation, and connectedness. They tell me things like: "my wife never made the time for me;" or "we were living like brother and sister;" or "I felt like nothing more than a walking pay check. She never cared about how I felt or what I was going through."
What happens under these circumstances is that your husband stops feeling like one part of a couple and starts to feel more like an individual or an outsider looking in. In essence, once the disconnect happens, every other problem, nuisance, or issue in a marriage becomes magnified. The small problems become bigger issues and the lack of connection and empathy lead to a spouse whose behavior and receptiveness will deteriorate over time.
So, the things that your spouse used to find endearing are now very annoying and distancing. It's very important to understand this because I see so many people try to fix what they think is the reason that their spouse left and are then surprised that the marriage is still in trouble. They've neglected to restore the intimacy and the connection. And, until they do that, issues are going to keep cropping up over and over again.
Another thing that you need to understand is that often husbands leave because they don't believe that anything is going to (or can) change. They can't envision ever being happy, appreciated, or understood again (at least by you.) So, your job and number one goal right now (if you want to get them back and save your marriage) is to show them that this perception is wrong – that in fact things can, and are, going to change.
Using This Knowledge About Why Men Leave To Get Your Husband Back:Hopefully by now you understand that it's very likely that the reason you think that your husband left may not be the whole story. It's very important that you're able to first reestablish positive perceptions and interactions, which you're hoping will eventually lead to restored intimacy.
How can you do this when he's left or is going to? Well, you'll need access to him. So, if the two of you are fighting or it turns out badly every time you are in the same room, you must change this. You'll need to tell your husband that even though things are bad right now and you can't control the fact that he has left or wants to leave, you can control your reactions to that. And that it's your goal right now to establish a decent relationship between you because he's too important to you to let things end this badly. Make it clear that you want to be proud of your actions and your behaviors – no matter where this leads.
Every interaction that you have with your husband is important right now. Your goal is to show him the happy, light hearted, understanding, and attentive woman that he first fell in love with. However, you also want to make sure that you don't come off as trying too hard or being too accommodating. You want to make it clear that you're coping just fine, and that you're using this time apart (or intend to) to work on yourself. Respect yourself enough to keep up your appearance, see friends, and have fun. Men are so much more attracted to confident, alluring, high energy women than women who are needy, clingy, and elicit guilt feelings.
You want for him to know that you can take care of yourself just fine but that you want to save the marriage because you love him. If you don't have access to your husband, you should try to let your new attitude leak to him through mutual friends or come up with a legitimate reason that you need to get together (give it some time though. Don't immediately push or act awkwardly.) Make sure that your reason is legitimate and that you keep the visit focused on the reason for the meeting.
And, remember (during this meeting and during all interactions) that you want to show him the woman that he first fell in love with – not the woman he just left or is going to leave.
How do I know all this? Because I have lived it. I had to use the same methods to save my own marriage. I made a lot of mistakes at first that almost cost me dearly, but I was able to change course. Luckily, over time (and by taking slow, calculated baby steps), I was able to reestablish intimacy and prevent the divorce, even though I was the only one who wanted to at the time. You can read a very personal story on my blog at
