Friends, One of Life's Most Precious Gifts that Keeps Giving Like Grandma's Fried Okra Keeps Giving After Lunch
As a teenage girl, one of the biggest influences in her life can be her friendship circle.
"The Secrets to Having the Teenage Daughter you Actually Like"with Dr. Cheryl Guy
A girl's friends have such a big influence on her that even the slightest motion within the waters of her friendship circles can elicit group chaos or group elation, whichever may apply.
A girl's allegiance to her best friend is so strong that even the most docile teen would be kicked into defense mode like a banny rooster as she stands to protect her.
Friends are what makes the teenage years so memorable. One of my daughters, unbeknownst to her, supplied her buddies with many laughs while in middle school as she stood to accept a cheerleading award with her skirt up her crack. We must not forget the laughs that another one of my daughters always receives each time she musters up a belch that would easily make it into the Geniuses Book of World Records. I still do not understand how something that ugly sounding can come from such a petite "little lady".
Just as friends can be the life of us, they can also be the death of us; in the literal and figurative sense that is. Just ask around and it won't be hard to acquire stories of friends involving themselves in activities that resulted in the death of one or more in the group. Looking into the eyes of individuals to the left and right within your own community will reveal evidence of poor choices and decisions in friend selection. This could be currently or previously in ones life. As a parent, how can we broach the subject of a possible miscalculation of friend selection without our daughters putting up steel walls between us? It is certainly a delicate subject that warrants much prayer and thoughtfulness. After all, one negligent move on our part can yield much heartache and pain for all parties involved.
I believe there areSIXkeys to reassessing friendships with our daughters.
1)Remember how it felt when you were a teenager.
Teenagers are attempting to discover who they are apart from their parents. They are evolving into their own selves throughout the teen years. After all, mom and dad is not with them as much as they were during their "little league" days. They don't depend on us as much as they once did and that concept alone can be frightening or enlightening to parents. It is a time to move back and gently guide them as they attempt to problem solve and maneuver through life without mom and dad in the forefront.
2)Praise her on the friends she has that you do approve of.
Reinforce her friend selection skills by naming the positive attributes some of her other friends have that makes them unique. This alone builds her confidence in making good choices of who she surrounds herself with as she makes decisions on her own.
3)Praise her for her unique traits.
We all need to be reminded and told how others see us. Be mindful of this as you name the traits that make your daughter unique and how it would be natural for others to be drawn to such a person.
4)Identify the friend(s) that you have reservations about by using emotional word visuals as you compare your daughter to them.
Explain how the traits or characteristics they possess may conflict with the traits or characteristics your daughter possesses. I love to use emotional word visuals the girls can identify with as I try to make a point with them that requires a connection on an emotional level.
An example of this could be: "Alli, do you remember the time that you were walking through the mall and you tripped over that guy who had stopped to tie his shoes?" She may say something like "Yes, I have never been so embarrassed in all of my life. I will never forget that." I may say something like, "Alli, that is exactly how your friend Ami's mother may have felt when she was so disrespectful to her in the store the other day when we saw them. Remember how flippant Ami was towards her mom, almost talking down to her? Ami has some qualities that concern me. Can we talk about them?".
This approach has first, taken Alli to a time when she felt embarrassed and humiliated. She was then moved into a current situation where she can identify with the feelings of others. This will make hearing the information less threatening which may prevent less defensiveness.
5)Give her an opportunity to make the decision to back away from the friendship on her own.
After you have moved through steps 1-4, evaluate the coming days and let nature take its course.
6)If the friendship continues with the same intensity and concerns for your daughter's emotional safety continues, discuss with her new boundaries for the friendship.
First let her know that you hoped she would resolve the problem on her own without your intervention, but there needs to be some changes in the amount of time that is being spent with her friend.
