(An excerpt from the journal of Kiernan Antares dated March 25, 2009)
While it has been quite some time since writing here in this journal I have not stopped writing and I have captured many notable moments on my blog as a way to share the insights I receive with others, in this way I am the teacher.
So what has happened to bring me here-in the sacredness of my hand-written journal?
Another lesson, of course, in reclaiming my power and being my own authority. I wanted to connect to Spirit and fill my being with love and light from the depths of my heart. I wanted to feel once again the love flowing from my heart through my hand to pen and paper. Time spent in between the veils without a computer screen glaring at me waiting for proofs and edits.
In this moment I hear these words in a song by Josh Groban on the radio:
"You raise me up so I can stand on mountains,
You raise me up so I can sail on stormy seas.
I am strong when I am on your shoulders,
You raise me up to more than I can be."
Yes, I am filled with wonder!
As you can imagine and feel, my beloved self, tears now pour from my eyes-how beautiful, how Spiritful, how divine!
This powerful lesson has restored me-to myself.
It began in October (2008) after receiving a fateful message in an email from a stranger (for anonymity reasons I exclude the details from this public article).
The stranger revealed he had a dream in which a song was sung to him with instructions to locate and contact the person who the message was intended for in the physical world. The song came as a message through an inter-dimensional doorway from beings more highly evolved than us ‘mere humans'.
The stranger researched key words on the internet and found me. The key phrases he used included ‘God-Teacher', ‘Antares', and ‘Life-Force Energy'.
The message in the song:
"When will the teacher Antares share her life-force energy with us?"
At first this pleased me, satisfying my ego's need for recognition and approval. But as the next couple of months passed the deep inner peace I had integrated earlier in the year began to fade and was being replaced with a growing sense of anxiety and frustration. My efforts to restore my inner light were futile.
By the middle of December I had hit a wall. Despite ensuring I was consuming a high quality diet with lots of fruits and vegetables my health began to deteriorate. I came down with a nasty chest cold that would last for nearly two months. My energy levels plummeted. I was plagued with periods of anxiety, fear, and depression. Coping with day-to-day life and activities became quite challenging and caused me to become irritable and unsociable-all during the holiday season-not fun.
I spent time exploring my inner world and was greatly surprised by the fears that were appearing-all stuff that I thought I had cleared.
The relationships in my life were strained because I was unhappy and I unconsciously looked for everything outside of myself to find fault with-not a pleasure to be around that's for certain.
During my self-exploration I determined that I was not living up to my potential. I decided I needed a plan to fix my life. I pushed through periods of deep exhaustion and created a vision statement. I set goals and then grew more depressed as my fatigue kept delaying my ability to complete them.
I fluctuated from frustration to excitement back to frustration again as I experienced surges and dips with my energy levels.
When I realized that I was not going to be able to resolve my discomfort quickly I decided to embrace it and make my health my number one priority. I made sure to do meditation and yoga daily and reconnect with forgotten personal dreams.
Soon I noticed I was feeling more balanced as I reduced the self-imposed pressure to ‘succeed'. I was honouring my needs and completed projects in rhythm to my own beat. I became clearer on how I wanted to proceed, what problems I am here to help solve, and who I am here to help.
Things were looking and feeling better, despite still having up and down days I relaxed into them. But then I noticed I was procrastinating on moving forward with my plans. So I started asking myself why.
I wondered why I had lost the feeling of deep inner peace and what caused this downward spiral. What happened?
I traced the pain, debilitating fatigue, and fears back to the time I started to analyze the message I received from the stranger in October.
"When will the teacher Antares share her life-force energy with us?"
After the initial excitement settled down the message began to make me feel unsettled. I began to ask questions like,what do you mean when? I am already sharing my life-force-aren't I doing enough? Am I failing to fulfill my destiny, my life purpose?"
If I'm not doing or being enough then why am I unable to deepen my connection enough to hear or understand what else I must do?
My mind interpreted this message to mean I was a failure.
This belief then resulted in bringing up my old patterns of judging myself harshly, debilitating fatigue, deteriorating health, anger, fear, depression, all of which caused my closest relationships to become strained and I just wanted to hide from the world.
When I was able to see the connection between my recent circumstances to this one belief I experienced an epiphany.
The message as it was delivered and perceived in my mind didn't make sense. When I looked and felt deeply within I knew that up until that moment in time, I was a Great Light and I was touching the hearts and minds of others with the love and life-force energy that flowed through me.
I considered the idea that my interpretation of the message was a lie-that I was not a failure.
I allowed myself to consider that it was possible that the message I was meant to receive was one of gratitude and appreciation for the Great Work I was doing and who I was being.
Suddenly this seemed more plausible. In my heart and soul this understanding rang true!
Is it possible the pain and suffering were signs trying to tell me that I was believing a false thought-an illusion? YES!
How do I know I can trust this epiphany is true? Because it makes my heart sing with joy and love-the Grace of God. Because it supports me and raises me up-yes, like the phoenix, transformed and filled with the deep inner peace I lost the moment I started to believe in the false thought that I was a failure.
If what I believed was an illusion then it makes sense that the reverse must be true.
I am not failing with my life purpose-I am succeeding with my life purpose!
From this experience I have been reminded that feelings of pain, discomfort, and stress are warning bells letting you know that what you are believing is an untrue thought.
The secret to peace and happiness is to STOP believing in the lies you are telling yourself!
Take heart, for these lies hold our greatest life lessons and when we harness the power of these lessons we can live a greater life. We can step into our light, our power, and our glory with the love, wisdom, and support of our Creator.
From this vantage point I can feel appreciation and gratitude for all that I have experienced and learned during this process.
Most especially I am grateful for seeing through this illusion because I believe in myself once again and because my heart feels free to love, share, and be. I can relax and breathe now that I've taken the noose away and stopped squeezing the life-force out of me.
If I had continued with the underlying belief that I was a failure it would have tainted everything I did and any results I would have achieved would not provide me with the inner peace I was trying to recapture because I would have been seeking it from outside myself by trying to win the approval of others with my achievements.
I share this experience transparently to offer others the gift of the insights I receive in the lessons I learn and to show people that we are all on this journey together. No one is above another-we are all our own leaders experiencing and learning.
I experienced this discomfort because my mind kicked in and I did not consult my soul for the true message.
The Lord Buddha tells us, "I taught you not to believe merely because you have heard, but when you believed of your consciousness, then to act accordingly and abundantly."
May you learn to be your own authority, answering only to your heart and soul.
