They are the difficult women high maintenance; provocative in dress and seductive in behavior; emotionally dangerous; and spiritually adrift. Involved in unhealthy and unholy relationships, these women usually fit the unflattering labels frequently used to describe them: bad girls, loose, promiscuous, adulteress, love relationship, or sex addict. These women were known as nymphomaniacs in earlier generations the ones with the aggressive eyes, outstretched hands, and empty hearts.
Few clients or church members are as challenging as women who act out sexually. Like the woman at the well in John 8, these 21st century females have a history of failed relationships. Individually, these women's stories may seem different. One may be a 30s-something, unmarried professional who is distraught because of her recent diagnosis of genital herpes. Another may be a middle-aged wife whose pattern of extra-marital affairs has brought her marriage to the brink of divorce. Perhaps she is a professional who has lost her job for spending work time visiting online sexual chat rooms. Or a teenager whose parents have discovered she's sneaking out of the house in the middle of the night to go clubbing.
Whatever their stories, these women are similar in a number of ways. One observable thread is the devastation that characterizes their primary relationships. The wife who has affairs obviously puts her marriage at risk. Her husband is hurt, angry, depressed and isolated. Her children likewise are angry and embarrassed, afraid that their mother's indiscretions will become known.
Friends of a woman who acts out sexually are often baffled when her behavior becomes compulsive that is, she continues acting out even after she decides she needs to stop. They worry about her choices and wonder how she so completely disregards her values or vows. When a woman acts out with a co-worker, others feel the tension and are affected by the complications in workplace dynamics. Everywhere she turns, the sexually sinful or addicted woman wreaks havoc in the lives of those around her. The counselor or pastor who tries to help her is not immune to the therapeutic version of her high maintenance relationships.
How to Help
The woman who asks for help regarding her sexual or relationship behavior is usually filled with shame. She is aware her actions fall short of Gods guidelines. She likely has postponed admitting her problems because of her fear of judgment. She may be defensive, even arrogant, in her attempts at deflecting what she perceives as criticism. She quickly spots rejection and resists formulaic solutions.
This client needs to feel accepted in the counseling relationship. Her self-hatred is so great that she may project her therapist having similar feelings, and she may need repeated assurances of her worth before God, even when caught in sexual sin.
She must feel spiritually embraced as Gods valuable creation, fearfully and wonderfully made, before she will be open to receiving interventions about her behavior, however appropriate those responses may be. The counselor must be patient in establishing trust and expect that it will take time for her full story to unfold. In heightened ways, the therapeutic relationship hinges on the caregivers Christ-like compassion for her wounded spirit.
Recognize the pain behind her eyes. The woman involved in sexual sin has perfected an outward mask that protects her secret. She may be deeply involved in church and community activities. She often looks quite together and seems to function well by outward appearances. Despite her presentation, however, the sensitive counselor discerns enormous pain behind her eyes. She is ashamed and usually depressed. She's spiritually exhausted from running away from her behavior. She longs for someone to understand her pain and offer hope and healing.
Family systems theorist, Virginia Satir, teaches that the problem isn't really the problem. The presenting behavior is merely a symptom of a hidden iceberg of issues, and the problem is but a false solution to these deeper disturbances. This understanding is especially important when working with a female who acts out sexually. The Christian caregiver must look beyond the surface sin to address the core issues that drive her behavior.
Women involved in promiscuity, pornography, affairs and other forms of sexual sin are intimacy impaired. They are desperately seeking love, nurture, acceptance and approval, and they have discovered that sex is a widely available substitute. They doubt their self-worth apart from sex or a relationship, which leads them into flirtatious or seductive behavior. They don't know how to have authentic connection with themselves, much less with others. They are unable to identify feelings, to have healthy dialogue about conflict, to ask for their needs, or to have realistic expectations. They struggle with boundaries, which leaves them open for exploitation and self-destruction.
Deeper issues. From a family systems perspective, women who struggle with problematic sexual behavior are medicating earlier wounds. Most females who are promiscuous or sexually addicted are untreated sexual abuse survivors. Their violation has created confusion about sex and love, and their current behavior is often a form of trauma repetition. These women unconsciously believe that the next partner or relationship will save them or make them whole. The hunt, therefore, is more about survival than sex. The concept of being okay alone is both foreign and terrifying.
Attachment theory further illuminates the deeper issues. Sexually acting out women usually did not adequately bond with their parents, whom God intended to model intimacy in relationship. These parents often failed to learn emotional presence from their own parents, and so the cycle of impaired intimacy continues. Abandonment in some form, usually emotionally and spiritually, but sometimes physically, as well, is a core wound in the spirits of females who exhibit inappropriate sexual behavior.
Treatment Plan
The importance of first developing a strong therapeutic alliance has already been stressed. That necessary foundation does not mean the counselor ignores sinful or dangerous behavior. A woman can still be prompted to explore her actions and evaluate if they are really providing the benefits she seeks.
The first goal of treatment is to break a woman's denial about the efficacy of her behavior to help her admit that her pursuit of sex or relationships contributes to her emptiness rather than alleviating it. Insist, too, that she be medically evaluated for sexually transmitted diseases. Be alert for clinical issues like depression, anxiety, substance abuse and other diagnoses, as well as the possibility of personality disorders or traits.
Encourage a woman to enter a period (usually at least three to six months) of a sexual and relationship fast, where she is totally abstinent from sex and romance, including cultivating any so-called friendships with men. The married woman can also benefit from an agreed on timeout from sexual activity with her husband while she addresses her core issues and they tackle the problems in their couple ship. Use this time to explore her false beliefs (like I'm nothing without a man in my life, or giving sex is the only way to get what I want), as well as the feelings that surface. Ask her to journal regularly about the process.
A next step is to insist that she connect with other women, which she will usually strongly resist. Most promiscuous or provocative women do not like other females and are uncomfortable in the company of women. Group therapy is the easiest way to accomplish this goal, where a woman can practice new relationship skills with direct coaching. Attending a support group or Twelve Step fellowship is another way to break the isolation that is part of her self-protective cocoon. Community with women is absolutely essential for a seductive woman's transformation. She needs connection as much as accountability, and without the foundation of relationship, she will reject accountability as intrusive and controlling.
When the client is stable, the deeper healing work occurs. This is the time the woman can explore any abuse or abandonment she may have experienced. Bibliotherapy, where the client reads appropriate books about these topics, is a good adjunct to the work done in session. Gestalt (empty chair work, for example) or experiential exercises (like family sculpting) take a woman beyond the cognitive realm into the deeper layers of both pain and healing. Again, being part of a group of women working on similar issues is enormously helpful. This will be a lengthy process, usually anywhere from one to two years.
During the entire time, constantly broach spiritual issues with gentleness and sensitivity. Most Christian women who struggle with sexually inappropriate behavior have been spiritually abused by shaming or rigid authority figures. Help a woman explore her view of God to identify her woundedness in this area. Encourage her to read the many passages about Gods love for her and pursuit of her. She is better motivated by grace and gratitude than by shame and guilt.
Boundaries for Counselors
The woman who acts out sexually may bring her seductiveness into the counseling room. Remember, this is the only way she knows how to relate or meet her needs. The counselor or pastor, especially males, must practice scrupulous boundaries. It is always the professionals responsibility to maintain an appropriate relationshipthere is no justification whatsoever for being sexual with a woman who is aggressively sexual with you.
Men who work with this kind of female client should regularly staff with a colleague and ask for accountability. For both men and women, countertransference issues often surface regarding these cases. It is imperative that therapists have done their own personal work about woundedness, sexuality and relationships, lest they act as unhealed wounders (Henri Nouwens term) in the lives of these clients.
Like the woman at the well or the woman caught in adultery and brought to Jesus, sexually sinful women are easy targets for condemnation. Historically, Christian helpers have stoned them with strong injunctions to just stop! without looking beneath their sin to minister to the deeper issues of their heart.Take help from telephone counseling .
With the alarming prevalence of women who act out sexually, todays counselors have the opportunity to offer Christs compassion and a higher call to purity.
