When she’s happy everyone’s happy!
It is my experience that a successful relationship model revolves around fulfilling a woman’s needs and making her happy. Yet I estimate that as many as 90% of men do not take advantage of this principle. I find that most men do not realize that fulfilling her needs ultimately will lead to fulfilling their own. Their conditioning, the stresses of work and life lead men to selfishly focus on their own needs first, which leaves them less fulfilled! Yes, it’s true! The paradox here is that the more they selfishly focus on their own needs the less they will attract in their own lives. So, guys be generous when it comes to focusing on fulfilling your partner’s needs.
The Recipe for Relationship disaster!
In our society women tend to please their man out of a sense of obligation, and because they are worried that if they don’t please him, he might leave. Women learn from a very early age that they should give of themselves and at all costs they should please their man. They are not usually giving simply from a sense of wanting to give; born out of feeling they have so much in their life that they want others to be happy. This giving from conditioning and fear leads to a natural deep-seated resentment in women that may emerge in the form of anger or meanness – and understandably so! Men on the other hand usually learn from a very young age that achieving is good, a successful career or maybe a business venture are the things they should focus on. Unlike women most men do not dream of being a good husband or about their wedding day. Can you honestly picture most men sitting around years in advance trying to decide what wedding favor they want to choose for the wedding of their dreams!!!! NO! Instead they tend to focus on what they want to be in life. You see most men do not recognize that it would benefit them and improve the relationship by fulfilling their partner’s needs. Therefore, they tend to selfishly focus on their own agenda which leaves their mate feeling deprived of the attention she so desperately desires. Hence, a recipe for relationship disaster is created?
Working at your relationship!
Professionals and non-professionals alike say that to have a happy, successful relationship, you have to work at it! However, it’s the working at it that ultimately makes it not work. When you criticize, you’re working at improving your mate. When you complain to your mate, you’re working at improving them. When you argue, you’re working at improving them. When you’re reasoning with them, you’re working at improving them. Ultimately you’re working at changing them and that’s the problem. So, do we really need to work at it! Want proof?? Then stop all of that behavior and watch the relationship get better. Stop all the working at it, Allow and accept, the way your mate thinks and feels, and watch them improve themselves. Now I am not at all saying that there are not exceptions to the rule and there are always different dynamics in every relationship! However, this principal will prove to be successful in most relationships. If it does not, you may in fact be facing more deeply rooted issues.
How not to work at your relationship!
We guys can make a conscious effort to give up our own agendas, more often, and to shift our attention to our partners. This may initially feel unnatural, and it may even leave them feeling that they are short changing themselves when it comes to their own needs. But, they will be quite surprised at the self happiness which can be achieved by fulfilling their partner’s desires, and also at the abrupt change in their partner reciprocating! Men tend to enjoy achieving goals (producing), and when women get the right kind of attention on working out what women want, and then give it to their partners (i.e. achieved the goals, or produced), both sexes get their needs met. And the woman’s enjoyment (consumption) is extremely fulfilling for the man. Now, guys you can’t just do this for a week and switch back to serving your own agenda once again! Stick to it, and you’ll be quite surprised at how pleasing your partner will give you exactly what you’re looking for!
Giving out of surplus!
When a man focuses his attention on the woman – she will reach a point of ‘surpluses. At this point, she feels so naturally happy and content with the world, and the attention she is receiving, that it will spill over to her man and the people around her. She will want to give him everything he wants from this place of surplus rather than from her obligation and fear. AND – because she is able to intuit what he needs even better than he can himself – the man reaches a much higher state of happiness and fulfillment than if he had continued to focus narrowly on his own needs (as sadly most of us do!).
What if he just doesn’t get it?
First let me say, don’t despair ladies!! As much as I hate to admit it, sometimes guys just need prodded, encouraged and even taught how to focus on their partners needs. Men generally mean well but, most of us are also clueless when it comes to giving our partner what she wants! Therefore, If he’s not focusing on your needs try taking the initiative yourself. Planning a romantic inexpensive weekend getaway or a romantic night out will help do the trick. You can plan the getaway around something that he enjoys. This will help break through the barriers or initial objections he may put up. In other words make it all about him, then turn it into the most romantic night you’ve ever had. But, before you jump up to call the travel agent you need to lay some groundwork. If your relationship has been one of complaining and being critical of your partner’s actions, you’ll need to do some preliminary work. Remember, men tend to focus on who they are in life so criticizing him in regards to working so much or putting more into his career than your relationship will only worsen the situation. You are partners in this relationship, and surely your mate does not want to feel as if you’re on the other side of the fence. So, try and avoid complaining, disagreeing and being so critical. Try to find a way to agree with your partner in a positive sense, even if you still disagree to some extent. If you talk about where they are wrong, they become more wrong. And if you talk about where they are right, they immediately become less wrong. You only support their negativity by pressuring, complaining, and trying to argue your position. Try offering a little understanding, caring and compassion for the way that your partner feels. Basically, see it his way and agree with him, then sit back and wait for his response. Why does this work? Disagreeing with him will only cause more anger, distance and throw up more barriers. Don’t meet a freight train with a freight train!!! Try switching gears a bit! I know that you may find this difficult, due to the frustration you are feeling. However, give it a try and you’ll be pleasantly surprised at how responsive he may become towards fulfilling your needs. Once you accomplish the romantic getaway make sure to let him know how much you appreciate what he is doing for you and how it makes you feel. You may be quite surprised at how he’ll follow the lead!!!!! Oh and when he does make sure you show him how much it means to you!!!!!!! GOOD LUCK AND BEST WISHES!!!
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David Roppo
Relationship Coach
Relationship Rehab for Women
