I often write about rescuing marriages even when both parties think that all is lost. Sometimes, I get emails asking for advice or a friendly ear to listen. A common request is asking for "exactly what to say to get my husband back." This is sort of a loaded question and the answer will depend upon the state of your marriage, your current interactions, the message you are trying to send, and how convincingly you are able to say it. So, in this article, I'll give some general guidelines on what you should say (and not say) to your husband if you want to get him back.
The Things You Should Not Say If You Want To Get Your Husband Back:Before I go into what you should communicate, I first need to tell you the words, phrases and implications that you should steer clear of at all costs. These things are so common and they feel right and satisfying at the time. But, they so rarely work and more commonly backfire instead. You should never say anything in an attempt to make your husband feel guilty, ashamed, mistaken and wrong. Don't imply that he doesn't have the intelligence or insight to see things clearly. Don't engage him or hint that he doesn't have the right to be happy or is selfish to want to be whole. In fact, don't say anything that is going to elicit strongly negative emotions in him. This means no engaging or pushing buttons.
Steer clear of phrases like "why are you doing this," "what is wrong with you," or "I hope you're happy now." The whole key right now is to validate and support what your husband is saying. No, this absolutely does not require you to agree with what he is saying. You may know in your heart that he is dead wrong. But, you must also know that he has a right to his perceptions and feelings and you promised to love, honor, and value this person so now is the time to make good on that promise.
My grandmother used to say "you get more flies with sugar than with vinegar." That's very true here. You are going to get so much further if you approach your husband as someone who loves him, agrees that you both want a healthy, happy marriage, and are committed to helping him get what he wants. You don't have to lie and say you agree with everything he says, but you do need an accommodating and congenial attitude that the two of you are in this together and that you have his back here.
What To Say (And When To Say It) To Get Your Husband Back:I wish that I could give you one magic phrase that was going to miraculously fix everything. "I love you and want you to be happy," is a great start, but typically what saves a marriage is both the words you say and the actions with which you follow up (and validate) the words.
You want to approach your husband when you are both calm and rational. If the two of you have just had a positive interaction, so much the better. You're going to be communicating a couple of things. First, you want to assure him that you've heard what he has to say and you concede that he has a right to his feelings and his own happiness. Agree that there are definitely some shortcomings in your marriage and you too could use some changes. Tell him that it breaks your heart that the people who once loved each other so deeply are losing their way.
Next, make it very clear that you don't know what tomorrow brings. (This is very important because it reassures him that he doesn't have to avoid you, since you aren't going to be trying to change his mind.) But, explain that although things don't look good, you can control how the two of you interact from this day forward. Make very clear that you want to participate in only positive behaviors that you can be proud of, so that, should this end, it ends positively with a bond that is still in tact rather than a completely failed and broken relationship.
Now, your husband is likely going to suspect that this is a serious ploy. That's OK because you're going to follow up these promises by doing exactly what you said. You're going to conduct yourself with dignity and grace and you're going to display the positive, happy go lucky, engaging woman that he first fell in love with. Your goal is two fold. You want him to see your best self and eventually realize that he's made a mistake because he wants this woman in this life. Second, you want to establish a better, more positive way for the two of you to interact so that you're replacing his negative perceptions with positive ones.
This process rarely happens overnight. You'll likely have to settle for small victories and baby steps, but moving slowly makes this more genuine and lasting anyway. In the end, what you're trying to do is say the words, but flawlessly pull off the actions that make the words work.
I really struggled with finding the right words to save my own marriage. It turned out that it was my actions (rather than my words) that were our saving grace. You can read a very personal story on my blog at
