I woke up in a cold sweat; I sat up in bed and tried to calm myself down. My heart was beating fast and my palms were sweating. I sat up on my bed and looked around my bedroom. It got more difficult to breath. I looked at the clock on the bedside table, it read 3:28am, and I stared at the numbers as I tried to ground myself. Another nightmare of being back at Coast Guard Burlington. Waking up with a nightmare had been what I have grown used to and happens every night since I was raped by a shipmate in 2006. 4:00am: still trying to regulate my breathing as I tell myself "you are safe now, you are no longer at the Station." 5:30am my alarm went off as I got out of bed ready to share my story once again.
I was speaking at a history class at a women's college in Massachusetts. "Do you want to go back?" asked a student. Do I want to re-enlist in the Coast Guard? I repeated her question to give me time to think about my answer. She corrected me and said: "No, do you want to go back to Station Burlington?" without any doubt I said YES. I want to go back.
I have been back to Burlington-the town of Burlington several times including once to share my story at Take Back the Night. I have a ritual whenever I go there. I'll sit on a bench at Battery Park overlooking the station and try to process what happened there and why. Sometimes I'll be brave enough to go to the waterfront and sit at this bench and watch the Coast Guard prepare to go underway or do colors. Things I would have been doing if only I didn't go hiking with a shipmate actually scratch that:Things I would have been doing if only the Coast Guard dealt with my rape the proper way.
I can tell you how the ground felt as I was thrown down or how the trees became blurry as tears started rolling down my eyes. I can tell you how my screams echoed into the silence of the forest of Vermont however I cannot tell you the exact location of my rape. We went hiking. He drove from Burlington and I was enjoying the company of a shipmate and being raised in New York City I was also enjoying the difference in scenery as we drove through the Vermont farmland. He said he been on this trail before and that I'll like it. I believed him. We drove roughly an hour or so from the station, stopped on the side of the road and ventured into the woods. I didn't feel the need to make a safety plan or be on guard because after all we were shipmates and at that point I would have taken a bullet for him or any of my other shipmates, which is the way it should be. He stood by me through harassment I dealt from my command and I trusted him. There was no reason for me to believe that more than just a hike would have happen that afternoon. There was no reason for me to think that my soul would die and my happiness would end that day. I did not know that according to a Dr. David Lisak's study that most rapes are planned and that he took me on this hike to rape me. The term "undetected rapist" has not yet entered my vocabulary.
I have received a lot of support from Vermonters. An Iraq-war veteran with members of American Friends Service Committee tour Vermont high schools and talk to students about the military including Military Sexual Trauma with hope that they make a more educated decision before enlisting. To bring it closer to home they'll use what happened to me as an example of what service members experience. After testifying in Washington DC in 2007 several dozen Vermonters demonstrated in support of me. My rape has been published in two books and several Universities in the Burlington-area are teaching using those books in their American Studies, Social Justice or History classes. I received tons of emails and letters from former Coast Guard Burlington members and family including a letter from a 40-something years old woman that remember going to the station as a child when her father was a reservist. To counter all of that I still get contacted by members of Coast Guard Burlington crew '06 and their friends often contradicting themselves with both doubting my rape occurred and blaming me for being raped.
In March I called Station Burlington to request permission to visit the station. I am used to going on stage and sharing my Coast Guard experience to 3000 people. I am comfortable going to Capital Hill and telling members of the Congress that I was raped but when it came to calling Burlington I was nervous. My voice was shaking as I asked if I could re-visit the base. Station Burlington is a 20-something person military base and I'll be surprised if they did not hear what happened to me. I was expecting to be yelled at, to be asked if I was the rape victim-to be called a liar or a "that **** that got ‘herself' raped." I was expecting to be treated the way that I was when I was stationed there. Instead the XO said to come by any weekday that I wish and to call a few days before hand. We chatted for a bit, I told him when I served and he confirmed that it is a brand new crew and won't see anyone that I served with. No mention of rape, no name-calling and no re victimization.
It took several months for me to finally make my way up to Burlington. Armed with a travel-size packet of tissues and my blackberry with my therapist at the Vet Center and several Congressional Aides phone numbers on speed dial (which they requested to call them incase I had any last minute problems going back in) and a backup plan on what would happen if I get too upset a good friend of mine, a Coast Guard Burlington veteran and I went back to the station. Crossing over the gate from the public park into Government property I started to shake. My stomach turned into knots and I felt that I was going to be sick. We made our way up to the second deck to sign in. As we were waiting I glanced around. My friend asked if I was okay and I said the first thing that came my mind: "they painted the walls and took out the carpet." Then I thought to myself, in my nightmares Station Burlington was the way that I left it. The crew was the same, it looked the same and here I am stepping into a place that is Station Burlington but not the place that I left behind in 2006. A BM3 gave us the tour. We passed by the XO's office as I glanced in. I spent countless hours in that office being told by Chief what a horrible person that I am, how I was at fault for what happened and being ordered to never speak about my rape again. Today the office, occupied by a Senior Chief looks much different with the desk positioned facing the door and the deer head on the wall has been removed.
As we entered the lounge I got a flashback of being beaten there by another non-rate as others stood around laughing or cheering him on. I closed my eyes as I tried to ground myself. BM3 continued on to show us the gym, the only room that looks the same and then the galley. My friend made chitchat with BM3 about how different the galley looks, going on as planned to not bring attention to me while I looked in the other direction trying to regulate my breathing as I was having difficulty breathing due to anxiety and flashbacks.
We made our ways down the stairs. I was not surprised to see that the bicycle that I left was no longer there. We made our way outside to the pier. The have since received a new boat. I read about it on the news and saw videos of it on a website. BM3 and my friend talked about the boat and I turned and faced the station. I want to go back to the janitor closet that BM1 locked me in for hours immediately after reporting the rape, I want to go to the attic which I was forced in with my perpetrator as punishment for reporting the assault, I want to go to where my perpetrator hid at 3:28am and attempted to rape me again as I did my round before watch. I want to go to the 3rd deck to my barracks room where I often found my perpetrator laying down on MY rack. Do they still not issue you keys to the barrack room and make you all keep all doors unlocked I wanted to ask. I felt tears rolling down my cheek. BM3 asked us if there was anything else that we would like to see, I wiped my tears, put on a half fake smile turned around and said no. We thanked BM3 for the tour and we left. Tears started rapidly flowing down my eyes as we left Station Burlington and into the public park. I need to get out of Burlington and we drove off.
I don't know what I was trying to accomplish with going back. Trying to heal is the obvious answer but also wanted to prove to myself that not all of Station Burlington or the Coast Guard is bad. There are good people in the Coast Guard like Senior Chief who even though maybe unknowingly helped me I do like to think he knows who I was and could have easily have said "you are not allowed back" but instead did the right thing and treated me the way that every other Coast Guard Station Burlington veteran would have been treated, not better and not worse which is exactly what I want. If by any chance Senior Chief is reading this I want to say thank you.
That night I woke up from a nightmare that I was back at Station Burlington but it was not the Station Burlington that I went to that afternoon. It was the Station Burlington that I left behind in 2006. The Station with the carpet in the hallway and a man hiding out in my barrack room, it was Crew '06 and I remember them all. We have all since went our separate ways but in my nightmares time have remained still. I hope one day in September to make a trip back to Station Burlington and maybe many more times from there. I know that with each visit I'll lose some of what makes me a victim and gain what would make me a survivor.
