Verbal Self Defense

How many times have you found yourself in an argument you didn’t want to be in? You were somehow drug into an argument about something you couldn’t care less about, and now you don’t know how to get out of it and move on.

There are three fundamental elements to effective verbal self defense:
First, listening without leaping to conclusions. That takes practice! Often when people start talking to us our mind is zooming off on its own tangent- predicting the next words before they are even out of their mouth.

Second, try to understand what’s really going on. When someone attacks you verbally, try to not react in the same manner. Stay calm, let it roll off of you. Is this someone familiar to you who just had a bad day? Or is it some one who is a chronic verbal abuser?

Third, know how to respond. The three standard responses are: Attacking back, pleading, debating. These are all strategic errors.

Verbal abusers fall into two categories:

1. Klutzes: They are ignorant of any other way to communicate with people.

2. They are desperate for attention and use this method to engage people.

Knowing this your reaction can change from reactionary anger to compassion. You don’t have to like the person, but at least you should be less interested in arguing with them.

What should your response be? Walking away or even ignoring them will not discourage them. Either way they feel that they have won and they will be back for more.

When they start and argument, don’t take the bait! Perhaps it starts like this, “Why do you always take the last can of pop from the fridge and I have to drink warm pop and refill the fridge?” (By the way, this is often a perception they have since they are not inconvenienced when they do it to you).

Make your answer totally impersonal. Do not make eye contact. Keep your voice an even mono tone as if you are distracted. Come back with: “That is so annoying.” Or “No one wants to drink warm pop”. If you can think of a long boring story, even better! “I think it has something to do with something that happened to me as a kid. We had this refrigerator that didn’t have a lot of room. It was the ugliest green color you ever saw, but my mom loved that color……….” And keep going on until they get tired of listening and wander off.

The message you are delivering is that you know they want to argue, but you are not interested in that game.

Verbal Self Defense to Avoid Violence

Say you are confronted by an adult bully threatening to beat you to a pulp for some minor infraction. There are things you need to understand about this kind of person. Violenceisan option for him. He is not a stranger to violence as you hopefully are. These people are trapped in their own little world of warped perceptions, chronic anger and paranoia. They are obsessed by what other people think of them. They cannot show weakness. They are hyper-sensitive to insults and loss of respect.

You must try to de-escalate the situation by following these three rules:

Do not challenge him.

Do not insult him

Give him a face saving exit

This may involve apologizing and graveling, but remember you are doing it so it won’t involve blood. If you have managed to talk your way out of the situation, do not try to get in the last word!

Verbal self defense does not mean taking your opponent down with words, it means using words to get out of situations safely.