I often have women (and sometimes men) write to me and ask how can they tell the difference between a run of the mill, reoccurring problem (or a rough patch in their marriage) and things that would indicate that the marriage is in serious and real trouble. Sometimes, it can be hard for people to tell the difference.
In fact, sometimes women that I've been helping will write and say something like "I really think it's getting better. We're not fighting anymore. We haven't made up either, but he's not going out of his way to fight." Usually they're surprised when instead of offering congratulations, I begin asking more questions. The truth is, sometimes, a spouse seeming to "give in" or "calm down" is really the calm before the storm.
The truth is, when a spouse becomes indifferent to your marriage, this can really be the beginning of the end. Because when they reach this state, they're resigned themselves to the fact that nothing is going to change. In their mind, they're tried everything that could, but were unsuccessful anyway. The fight within them is gone and they're just ready to move on. I'll tell you some warning signals that lead to this below.
Things Will Usually Intensify Just Before They Shut Down:The indifference that I talked about usually doesn't happen over night. Generally, in the beginning, you'll notice a shift in the marriage. There will be a distance which sometimes you just can't put your finger on. You'll hope that you're imagining it. You'll hope that it's either the stress that you are both under or the fact that you're been married for a while and things have gotten either comfortable or stale. But, it still keeps popping up with more and more regularity.
After the distance usually starts the fights, disagreements, or the pulling away. Because as the bond erodes, your spouse stops feeling the intimacy and affection for you that used to buffer these fights. So, now the little things that you both could over look before become issues. Eventually, the little things turn into big things. Or, the same old fight just keeps reoccurring because you're not bonded closely enough where either of you is willing to make concessions, nor is either of you is going to be completely happy with the outcome.
Usually, in the beginning of this fighting, there are peaks and valleys. Things will get bad and then you'll patch things up and they will seem to be better. Eventually though, you know in your heart that the next time is coming. You feel that deep down one or both of you just aren't as committed and that you're not 100% sure about anything.
It's hard to deny that the way that your spouse used to look at you is gone. They're short with you, spend more time away from home, and you're both just coexisting and walking around on eggshells trying not to fight. Neither of you are being completely honest. Some couples will nice one another to death. What I mean by that is that no one really says what they are thinking. It's all a farce to avoid a fight. So, you'll be polite, but neither of you are being real.
Sometimes, couples go on this way for a long, long time. Some even continue on like this right up until their divorce is final. No one ever addresses the elephant in the room, not even after the divorce ink is dry.
But, with some couples, this process will frustrate one or both of them and, once they finally begin to express their feelings, all of their pent up anger and frustration will come out in very strong emotions. Fights will start to become more nasty with people saying things that are very hard, if not impossible, to take back.
More and more damage to the marriage occurs with each insult. And, one or both of you just don't care that much about the fall out any more. The gloves are now off. The things that one or both of you were holding back out of respect or love for one another now come flooding out into the open, with very hurtful consequences.
Now, on the flip side, there's also sometimes the passive – aggressive spouse. They too are angry and frustrated, but rather than fight with you, they'll punish you by their silence and their distance. They'll just retreat. They make themselves scarce and spend less and less time at home or they'll hang out in another area of the house. With them, there's a million things left unsaid, but they aren't likely to begin speaking any time soon. They know that their silence is a more effective weapon than words could ever be.
The Most Dangerous Warning Sign That The Marriage Is In Real Trouble:Indifference:Sometimes, wives are surprised when I tell them that I'm glad to hear that they are still fighting. I'm glad to hear this because this means that strong emotions are still present and that, even though they are doing it in a negative way, the spouse is still trying to communicate. Yes, fighting is not the way to do it, but at least you still bring out enough emotion in them to get them to react or to respond.
In my experience, the most dangerous sign that you don't want to see happens once your spouse becomes indifferent to you. Because at that point, you are no longer eliciting any emotion in them. They're done. They could see you prance through the room with your old boyfriend holding hands and it really wouldn't get a rise out of them because in their hearts, they've checked out.
You really don't want to let the situation deteriorate to this point. Because spouses who are indifferent just aren't at all likely to fight for the marriage. They've already thrown in the towel in their minds and hearts. Saving the marriage from this point is sometimes possible, but it's a lot harder work and it takes much longer. Give me a nasty fight any day because at least there are strong emotions to work with.
Unfortunately, I ignored many of the warning signs that I discussed in this article until it was almost too late. It almost cost me my marriage. Thankfully, I realized my tactics were not working and changed course. Eventually, I was able to not only restore my husband's love, but save our marriage. You can read a very personal story on my blog at /
