Much of the correspondence that I get which has to do with one spouse not loving or being "in love" with another. Usually, you have one person who is sure they still love their spouse, while another is claiming not to be in love anymore. Sometimes though, I hear from couples who say that neither of them are in love. Perhaps this started with one person and the other eventually followed suit. Or, maybe the marriage has been stale for a while, and, as this happened, both people stopped trying so that eventually, nothing was left.
Still, most of the people who ask for my opinion know that most of the time I advocate saving marriages. So, I usually don't hear from folks who know for sure that divorce is the best option for them. Instead, I usually hear from those folks who don't want to divorce because they have children, because of financial issues, or because they just believe that marriage should be forever so the best course of action is to just stick it out.
But, they also usually intuitively know that they deserve better than to live in a loveless marriage. No one enjoys going through the motions or being with someone who you suspect doesn't love you while you also know that the feelings are mutual. Worse, many of these couples believe that this the best that they can hope for. Many of them ask me for tips for "surviving" in a loveless marriage or help in coping with what they feel is not going to change.
I find that most people believe that once you "fall out of love," there's no turning back, as if those feelings are akin to magic fairy dust of which you only get one sprinkle. I'm living proof that this isn't the case. And I've seen many couples in the same situation turn their marriages around so that both loved and felt loved by the other. I will discuss this more in the following article.
Determining Why You Don't Love Each Other Anymore:Some of the situations that I hear about involve a distinct conflict like infidelity, crisis, or betrayal. But, much of the time, what's happened is that the marriage grew cold so that eventually both people began to withdrawal and retreat. As the result, no one was invested in the marriage and working to maintain it. In short, it's like a garden that has been long neglected and rather than weeds choking out the flowers that grow there, neglect is choking out the positive feelings which used to define the marriage.
But couples very rarely are able to draw this correlation. Instead, they think that they've lost their chemistry, that they are no longer compatible, or that they've become so familiar with one another that the marriage is no longer exciting or fulfilling. They don't draw any correlation to realize that the effort that is being put into the marriage influences the feelings that are coming out of it. And, they don't realize or believe that if they return those efforts, the original feelings will usually follow right along.
Many people doubt this when I explain it, but I've seen the same series of events happen time and time again and I believe that most couples are pleasantly surprised if they are open minded or still hopeful enough to give it a try. I often ask people what they really have to loose. They are already living in the near worse case scenario. Sure, they're still married, but they don't feel as though a married couple should. And they usually don't see that they are not acting as a married couple should either. But, once they change their actions, the feelings of a married couple sometimes return.
The Efforts And Behaviors That Will Usually Bring Back Loving Feelings:It's not uncommon for me to explain this to people and to either be met with resistance or a blank stare. Because, I know first hand that couples get into habits and ruts that are hard to break. Things continue on this way for so long that it's very hard to remember when things weren't this way. But, most people have to admit that, once upon a time, things were very different.
Usually their early married life looks much different than it does today, In fact, very few people tell me that they didn't adore their spouse in the beginning. The couples will often tell you that they had chemistry and passion. But, what they also had was the behaviors that encouraged this. They and they alone were the center of each other's world. They put a lot of time and effort into the relationship when it was shiny and new. They found ways to show their affection and likely never wanted to be apart. Everyone was treating the other person as they themselves wanted to be treated and no one was going through the motions or taking the other one for granted.
And this is one of the reasons why the feelings were so intense. Because the behaviors and actions were so intense. Many people understand this on some level, until the "buts" start coming out: Examples are things like: "but we have children now." "But our lives are hectic." "But we're middle aged people who aren't going to act as if we're newlyweds." I understand these things and I don't expect for you to act exactly as you did then.
But, it's not unrealistic or too much to ask to begin to place your focus on your behaviors and on making real change. It's so important to break the habits or the ruts that you've gotten into. People often tell me that they've tried everything and nothing has worked, but what has really happened is that they've been unable to break their old habits. Admittedly, it takes work, a conscious effort, and a lot of repetition and positive pay offs to make this "stick."
It's not always easy, but most of the time, if you keep moving forward, you will begin to see improvements that build onto each other so that eventually, you realize that you hadn't fallen out of love at all. You realize that what has happened was that you were neglecting those intimate and loving gestures that nurture and bring out those feelings of loving one another.
You Deserve To Feel Loved In Your Marriage Even If You Have To Take The Initiative:Please think about what I've said even if this feels scary or vulnerable. And yes, someone is going to have to make the first move. But, isn't it worth the risk? You deserve to feel loved and to express love. I often tell people to just take small steps. Tell yourself that just for today, you will carve out some simple, uninterrupted time with your spouse.
You don't have to have long and difficult discussions about your problems. In fact, you shouldn't. Just try to do something simple together like taking a walk while holding hands. Really listen to your spouse and respond in the way that you would want him or her to respond to you. Because at the end of the day, most people want and expect the same thing out of their marriage. They want to share. They want to feel valued and heard. And they want to feel and express love. The equation really isn't that hard, but it does take maintenance. Now is the time to restart that maintenance because you deserve the feelings that almost always follow it.
Unfortunately for me, I neglected my marriage until it was almost too late. The feelings of being "in love" were essentially gone when I finally got the hint. This almost cost me my marriage and my happiness. Luckily, over time (and taking calculated baby steps), I was able to reestablish intimacy and bring back his love. You can read a very personal story on my blog at
