I often share my story of how I saved my marriage when my husband wanted (and had actually filed for) a divorce. So, fair warning, if you've found this article looking for legal advice, I can't offer it. Instead, I will offer insight on ways that you can try to save your marriage even in the threat of divorce because this is where my experience lies. I also believe that most people who have found this article really do have the goal of salvaging their marriages deep down – even if they fear it's too late.
Understand That Wanting A Divorce Is Often The Result Of Disappointment And Broken Dreams That You Both Share:Many people tell me that they're sure their spouse is dead set on a divorce and there is no way to change their mind because they've tried everything. They tell me that they've made every promise, pulled out every stop, and tried to offer up almost every reason under the sun why the marriage is worth saving, but these things have only fallen on deaf ears or an unresponsive or defensive spouse.
People often see their spouses in this situation as a deterrent to what they want rather than a potential partner in getting what they both want. I understand this because I made the same mistake. But, it was a mistake because seeing you and your spouse on opposing sides pretty much assures that there has to be a winner and a looser and this kind of opposition will only drive you further apart.
It can really help to try to see things from your partner's point of view. Once upon a time, they entered into this marriage full of love, high hopes, and an open heart just as you did. They were probably hurt when things didn't turn out as expected just as you were. The difference between you and them is that they believe that things are too far gone for anything to really change and you know that that's not the case.
Your job then, is to show and not tell them that the two people who first fell in love do still exist and can still interact in a positive and evolving way. Because if you try to tell them this, they're not going to listen to you, but if you tell them, they will eventually take notice. But, how can you show them when they are not receptive to you? You have to disarm them first. Here's how.
Moving To The Same Side:I've already told you why being on opposing sides is a losing game. Now, I'm going to tell you how to stop playing it. Pick a time when you and your spouse are calm and have time to talk. Explain that you understand that they want a divorce and agree that the marriage is in serious trouble and not satisfying or fulfilling to either of you. Take responsibility for your part in this and vow that you are no longer going to behave in a way that pushes you further apart. Make clear that although you love your spouse and want to save the marriage, you also respect your spouse and want them to be happy. Vow to do your part to make this happen and assure them that, should the relationship have to end, you want to end it on good terms and are going to make this a priority.
Don't mistake this move for giving up or giving in. You're lessening the tension and the awkwardness and you're buying time. If you show your spouse that you aren't going to pull out all of the stops and the drama to change their mind, they will stop avoiding you and may just hear what you are trying to say.
Having The Resolve To See It Through And Play This Out:If you do this exercise correctly, the tension level should start to improve. But, don't make the very common mistake of jumping the gun, letting your guard down, or pushing for too much too soon. You want to present yourself as someone who meant what they said.
The idea is to have light hearted, open interactions wherein you show your spouse the best version of yourself so that they not only remember the person they first fell in love with, but begin to believe that this person is still present. This is the part where you show them that in fact things can change between you from negative to positive interactions.
Never try to have discussions which are meant to talk about your problems or work things out too soon. These will need to come later, but your marriage likely can't withstand them right now. At this time, you just want to erect a base on which you can build something new and better, but you can't do that if you're on opposing sides of if they think that you are trying to change their mind.
During this process, you want to keep busy and not hover. You want to see friends and present yourself as someone who loves their spouse but who is working with the situation as it stands. This will turn the tables a bit and eventually allow your spouse to initiate and pursue things so that you're no longer at such a grave disadvantage.
I realize that this method takes patience and faith, but it is truly the only way to get your spouse genuinely on board without "giving in" and without you being the needy, panicked, or desperate aggressor that they probably wouldn't find attractive anyway.
When my husband wanted a divorce (but I didn't), I made many mistakes based on fear. I stalked, begged, threatened, tried to overcompensate, and acted very badly. These things back fired. Thankfully, I finally realized I was doing more harm than good and was able to change course using the tactics discussed here and save the marriage. You can read my very personal story on my blog at
