What is a Power-struggle

One might be tempted to think that power-struggles are a thing of the past-- but anyone who has ever been in a relationship where one is present is fully aware that this concept is as valid, as troublesome, and as potentially destructive in this modern day as it ever was!

Power-struggles go way beyond one person wanting to be the deciding factor in topics of disagreement-- a true power-struggle exists when one partner insists on "running the show." In the worst of extremes, as often does happen, the result is that there is really no "marriage" at all, and the other partner begins to lose more and more of his or her personal selfhood.

If you are one of the lucky ones who has not experienced this, or if you have and need to understand it better in order to begin resolving it in your own marriage, it is difficult but it is not impossible.

Power-struggles usually begin from one person's ingrained beliefs about what is "right." One example is the notion that a man must have "authority" over his wife and his home; on the opposite side of the same coin is the idea that a "modern woman" is one-hundred-percent on her own, with little "use" for her husband at all. Needless to say, these are not very positive beliefs on which to build a marriage! It does need to be said, however-- because far too many people have already entered into a marriage with these types of concepts, and find that happiness and harmony will not occur.

When these extremes of power-struggles exist, unless they are resolved there can be only two possible results-- either the marriage will fail, or one spouse will fall apart. If both spouses have the willingness and motivation to resolve the problem, as well as the intelligence and personality traits needed to make doing so possible, it can often be resolved. In many cases, however, counseling is necessary-- because it is very difficult to shake destructive beliefs from a person when he has held them for much of his life.

There are generally two forms of power-struggles. One is the type where one person insists on "running things," and the other is the type where one person shuts the spouse out of his or her life. The ability to resolve this problem rests in both spouses' willingness and readiness to acknowledge two main points: first, that a true marriage "takes two," and, as such, each person's beliefs, needs, feelings, and input are equally essential; and second, that each is an individual person who cannot be taken advantage of, silenced, or dismissed.

Whether you have been married for a short period of time or many decades, a common factor in this problem is that many fail to recognize when a power-struggle becomes actual abuse. Although this word has become a popular "catch-phrase," used far too lightly and when it does not apply, it often exists without a person being fully aware of it.

A power-struggle does not have to result in physical, sexual, or even verbal violence in order to be "abuse." This fact is the reason why many-- usually, but not always, women-- are in the position of being abused for years and even decades. They believe, erroneously, that if the person has not hit them, they are not being abused.

However, even if a power-struggle never escalates to physical violence, other forms of abuse which often occur are equally devastating, and equally destructive. If this sounds odd, the fact is that if a person is abused for a period of time, it has a damaging effect on her mind, her emotions, and her self-esteem.

It is abuse if your spouse exerts control over you, your actions, your life; this can range from telling you what you can and cannot wear, with whom you can and cannot associate, or where you can and cannot go. It is abusive if he monitors your actions, your whereabouts, and your privacy. It is abusive if your feelings, thoughts, beliefs and needs are dismissed as irrelevant or inconsequential. It is abusive if you are frequently put-down, ridiculed, accused or threatened. It is abusive if you are made to feel that you are accountable to your spouse, or if you are made to feel weak, small, helpless, afraid, unintelligent, unattractive, or unworthy.

While these actions are the foundation of an extreme power-struggle, they are also abuse. It is not something which you should tolerate; it is not something which you should ask advice from your friends about; it is a life-diminishing situation for which you need professional assistance.

Depending on the magnitude of the situation, its duration, the personality of your spouse, and the effects which it is having on you, this can mean professional counseling, legal intervention, or both. Do not make the mistake of believing or hoping that it well get better on its own, or that your spouse will "change"-- if you are being abused, reach out for help!