We all understand someone feeling angry at their ex after getting a divorce, but what do you when the anger is turned inward towards your own self? If you feel at all responsible for the break-up of your marriage, chances are high that you will feel some level of anger at yourself. In fact, many people find that they suffer from intense self-hatred and inward anger even though they know deep down that the divorce was not just their fault.
There are lots of things people typically do to take out their anger at someone else. However, most do not lend themselves too well to alleviating anger that you feel with your own self. For instance, you aren't likely to spend the weekend with your friends trash talking about yourself and you probably wouldn't pin up a large picture of yourself and practice darts. (And I'm certainly not saying that that's how you should take out your anger when it is directed towards another person. Not at all! )
There seems to be no reasonable way to deal with this type of anger, yet it will continue to dominate your thoughts and interfere with your life in many ways if it is not dealt with. So, what are you supposed to do?
Finding the Root Cause
The first thing you can do is dig deep into your thoughts, feelings, and beliefs to find out where this anger is coming from. If you were angry at your spouse after the divorce it would be easy to rattle off a long list of their transgressions, but it is much harder to honestly list your own part in the breakdown. That's why it is important to think of this as getting to the root of the anger, rather than listing your faults or criticizing yourself.
Realize up front that the reasons you are angry with yourself are likely not entirely true. You just have to bring them into conscious recognition to discover how true they actually are. And it requires a little effort on your part.
Take out pen and paper, find a place and time where you can be completely alone, and relax. What are you angry about? Big or small, write down whatever comes to mind quickly. Don't censor yourself. You may find that a lot of emotions come up for you. Write everything down. Get it all out.
Can You Fix It?
Now that you have at least some clue as to what may be driving this anger that is eating you up, consider whether there is anything you can do to make it right. Many things from a past relationship cannot be fixed or undone, but in some cases offering a simple apology to someone may lift the weight off your shoulders at least a little. Behind anger, there is also a need to forgive.
For instance, if you are angry at the way you left your marriage and there are some unresolved issues, then arrange a meeting with your spouse and let them know your feelings. If you feel you owe an apology, give it. If you need to forgive, you can – it just takes a little willingness and effort on your part. This is not a rekindling of the relationship but changing the ending a bit so you feel better about it.
Other things such as feeling guilty that you had an affair are a little different. Once an affair happens, trust is broken, and it takes tremendous amount of effort through counseling, for healing to happen. Guilt is an indication that you did something wrong, and the only way to "fix" it is to learn to forgive yourself. Only then you can move forward with you life.
Letting yourself off the Hook
To recap, there comes a time when you have to let go of anger through forgiveness in order to feel genuine joy and happiness in your life again. That includes anger directed inwards at your self. Make a conscious decision to let your self off the hook, learn from the experience, and move forward.
Don't let anger eat you up inside. Give yourself permission to really live again.
