Why Attaining Happiness Is So Elusive, Part 2

In this second article of the series <i>The Happiness Hypothesis: Finding Modern Truth in Ancient Wisdom </i> by Jonathan Haidt, I share with you more fascinating psychological theories and observations I discovered. Although I realize that knowing about happiness will not make me or you more happy, it may help me and you understand how elusive attaining happiness can be.

In Part 1, I described Haidt’s description of the role of the unconscious mind or the "elephant" in our ways of thinking and acting. I briefly explained the three concepts of the Like-O-Meter, negativity bias and affective style. Lastly, I looked at three recommendations Haidt gives for influencing our affective style: practicing mediation, learning to do cognitive therapy and taking Prozac.

In this article, I will briefly examine the importance of reciprocity in connecting with others and look at the dangers of hypocrisy and self-righteousness in preventing us from being happy. From Haidt’s psychological perspective, we need to be aware that life is a "game of social manipulation."

<b>Reciprocity as a social tool</b>

In examining different studies, Haidt argues that reciprocity is the social bond that ties us together. He spends a lot of time examining the role of gossip in society, but particularly its function in giving and getting information, usually negative information about someone or something. He asserts that reciprocity is deeply rooted in animal and human life and should be the basic currency of our social relationships. Confucius thought that reciprocity was the best guide to one's life. Another wise man, St. Francis said, "It is in giving that we receive…." As a former president of a chapter in Business Network International I practiced this philosophy "giver’s gain." I can also relate to it as "what goes around, comes around."

<b>Games people play</b>

I easily identified myself and others when I read about the different mind games that people can play. These include moral hypocrisy, using the "inner lawyer (also known as the "little voice"), seeing the world through rose-colored glasses, naïve realism, and the myth of pure evil. According to Haidt, such mind games can block you from achieving a state of lasting peace and harmony:

+ Moral hypocrisy: Haidt claims that basically we are all moral hypocrites. We have a tendency to value the appearance of morality over reality. I myself like to think I have high morals; however, when I am overpaid in change at a store, for example, I tend to keep the money.

+ "Inner lawyer": another game people play is that they often do not think they are doing anything wrong when they actually do cheat or lie. They usually come up with a good excuse to justify it. Using our inner lawyer or little voice -- our propensity to find reasons to support our gut feelings -- we hide inconvenient facts and weave a plausible alternative story. In fact, we believe the stories we make up.

+ Seeing the world through rose-colored glasses: people often cling to the illusion that they are better than others. Interestingly, 94% of college professors think they do above average work, including myself. In one psychological study focusing on charity giving, people were given five dollars. When asked how much they would contribute to charity, they said on average $2.44. However, they thought others would contribute on average only a $1.83. Researchers found that the people originally given the five dollars only gave on average $1.53. So much for thinking highly of ourselves as being more generous than others!

+ Naïve realism: people think they see the world as it really is. We all have the tendency to think we are right and others are biased. I myself often think that the facts are there for all to see and others should agree with me. It has gotten me into trouble many times, especially with my wife. It almost ruined my marriage at the start.

+ The myth of pure evil: this is perhaps the most insidious mind game that people can play. Religious extremists or politicians often think that evil comes from outside us and if you question this you are in league with evil. This can lead to the excesses of fundamentalism, whether it is Muslim Christian, Jewish or whatever. A vivid example of this on a political level is George W. Bush's wildly simplistic "Axis of evil."

<b>What you can do about it</b>

Drawing on modern psychology and Buddhist teachings, Haidt recommends three deceptively simple strategies for overcoming these mind games:

1. See life as a game. Do not take things so seriously. Buddha recommended being indifferent to the ups and downs of life.
2. Stop judging people and things. To tame the "elephant" -- our automatic reactions -- try doing meditation or learning cognitive therapy. See Part 1 of the series for a reference to the book Feeling Good by David Burns.
3. Be empathetic. Start with yourself and the log in your own eye. Finding fault with your self is a good way to overcoming hypocrisy and being judgmental.

Of course, this is like telling me to it eat less if I am overweight. Not much will happen without some kind of practice. For example, I need to develop my capacity to observe myself in a non-judgmental way. This is the essence of mindfulness (By the way I was pleased to see Pres. Obama mention the word "mindful" in his inauguration speech.)

I said these strategies were deceptively simple, because it took me several years of business / life coaching with Dr. Fred Horowitz to begin to put them into practice. By being aware of my mind’s structures and strategies, I can step out of my mind games. By being aware of my little voice and seeing my own negative patterns or unconscious behaviours or blindspots, I may become less biased, less moralistic, and less inclined toward silly argument and conflict.