Ever since the book, Every Man’s Battle, was published in 2000 on the topic of men and pornography, thousands of e-mails have come my way with stories of hope and victory, along with others of frustration and failure.
The book has challenged most of the over one million men who have read it to examine their attitudes about affairs, sex, lust and pornography. It has been quite rewarding to see them show up at workshops, recovery groups and counseling offices in an attempt to bring under control this out-of-control aspect of their lives. Since its publication, the book has also challenged me to examine my attitudes. While the book ended on page 229, my desire to understand more about lust, sexual addiction, and pornography did not. The invitation to write this article provides an opportunity to share with you some post-publication observations.
Not a Good Idea
First of all, what the Bible says about all of this is up for grabs. The Bible is truth, but the various interpretations of scripture and the meanings of certain passages often leaves committed Christians at opposite poles on any issue, especially one like this. It is easy to get caught up in the theological debate, stake out territory, believe you have the “real” truth, and while defending it not really help anyone at all.
I could rehash the biblical principals that Fred Stoeker and I presented, but they do not really matter to a lot of people we wanted to help with that book. So rather than restate the various biblical positions or add some more scriptural ammunition, I want to approach the issue with a practical position, apart from the Bible, that ends up supporting a conservative biblical interpretation of what is and is not acceptable in the eyes of God.
Here is my post-publication position: “The use of pornography is not a very good idea.” Pornography is not a very good idea because it makes a man less of a man, not more of one. It disables him from experiencing male sexuality in the competent way most men want to share it with another female.
When Hugh Hefner produced the first Playboy magazine in 1953, he encouraged men to indulge their lust and view what was meant to remain private. His thesis was that men are entitled to see the secret parts of a woman. He promised a growing sexual awareness and competency that the uptight and faithful would never experience. Many energized and animated users felt something they had never felt before, and it felt so good that they bought into the instant gratifi cation that comes from filling your mind with the forbidden. Men were hooked on having a sexual experience without the sometimes difficult and other focused nuances of a real-life, flesh and blood woman. Many justified their moments of pornograph- ic gratifi cation as putting out the fi res of lust and calming down their loins, when in reality, they were throwing a toxic fuel on a wild fire.
As the popularity of the pornography concept and self-sex pattern grew, some pre-Internet, 1970s, anti-porn activists became quite concerned at what might happen if the proliferation of pornog- raphy continued. With easy access to sexually stimulating images, they feared that men would become so stimulated and aroused that women would not be safe in their homes. They saw a day when it would become a common prac- tice for a man to throw his wife down on the bed or fl oor, or for that matter, anywhere, and demand sex or take sex whether she liked it or not. They pre- dicted that the incidence of rape would skyrocket due to men craving sexual fl esh and demanding gratifi cation. Their motives to stop pornography were to keep women safe from the brutality of men out of control.
While the proliferation of pornogra- phy exceeded all expectations with the expansion of cable television and Inter- net access, most women remained quite “safe” in their homes. Men were not going after women in homes or on the streets seeking immediate gratifi cation. Rather than pursue a woman for a new sexual experience full of risk and reward, they cower in dark rooms lit only by the glow of nude images on the screen, while they masturbate without fear of being judged inadequate or incompetent. Yet inadequate and incompetent are often how they see themselves in the pres- ence of a real woman with whom they want to be sexual. In fact, never have so many men experienced erectile dysfunc- tion and an inability to be the male stud they always thought they would become. And, rather than helping, pornography only reinforces this problem.
My good friend’s experience on her wedding night exemplifi es the dilemma. By most men’s description, she is a “10” in face and body; not much, if anything, could improve her physical beauty. But on her wedding night at age 20, her high school sweetheart had to pull out a Playboy centerfold, place it on the pillow and stare at it in order to perform the act they had waited so long to experience. His humiliation was only exceeded by her horror about who she had mar- ried and how inept he was as a sexual partner. This Christian man, turned Hugh Hefner disciple, was a poor testimonial for the false-promise Hugh had held out since the early days of the porn craze. The depersonalized pornographic sexual experience had desensitized this man to the real-life flesh and blood of this beautiful woman. Even a “10” in the fl esh is not enough to compete with a continual bombardment and saturation of enhanced sexual images; images that demand nothing and never judge performance. These images simply are not a good idea for a man who wants to perform to his maximum potential in the presence of a real woman.
Pornography is a bad idea for more reasons than that—it also makes men sexually incompetent. It is a bad idea because sex is done in solitary secrecy by most men. Sure there are women who indulge with a man or approve of a man using pornography, but for almost every man, it is a secret indulgence. It is this little secret that often begins the big split into two realities of what is shared and what is hidden.
No longer is the man fully “known” in the biblical sense. He is only half- known and half-revealed. Once the split occurs, pornography is often the gateway drug of affairs, creating or expanding the private sexual compart- ment of the secretive male’s brain. He manages it and protects it and makes his wife the chump, the unknowing fool, disconnecting from her heart and building a barrier to deep intimacy. He soon forgets that each viewing is an act of betrayal of his wife. The men I have worked with are convinced their pornography is a little secret that hurts no one and helps them cope with the stress of life and marriage. They see it as a meaningless act that keeps them out of trouble and out of the beds of other women. It is easy to fall into that frame of thinking—comparing looking at pictures to physical in- volvement and concluding that it is not that big of an insult to the marriage.
That view changes in the face of a woman’s reaction. To discover how dev- astating his little secret passion is, all he has to do is show her what he is viewing and ask her how she feels about it.
Just recently, I spoke with the wife of a graduate of the “Every Man’s Battle Workshop.” Her husband had returned home to confess his use of pornography since the beginning of their marriage. While he had never felt better about himself with the open confession, she said she was immediately crawling up from the worst emotional state of her lifetime. She had never felt worse about herself, their marriage, or him. They almost did not survive the confession. And although it only involved pictures, the pictures were a reflection of the segregated parallel lives they had been living due to his secret deception.
OK for the Single Guy?
I have heard the argument that while pornography is a bad idea for married men, it is okay for a single man to explore and enjoy before marriage. This view feeds into the bifurcation myth that whatever habits and patterns we develop as singles are magically whisked out of our lives when we say our vows and eat the wedding cake.
Those who marry quickly come to discover that the single person makes no radical transformation at the point of marriage. Whatever dependencies and practices existed before the wedding are dragged right into the marriage. Marriage does not cure the desire for pornography or the addiction to compulsive masturbation. Instead, with those practices in place, they form bridges outside of the relationship—bridges that are very difficult to burn. Pornography is also a bad idea because it detours and derails a man rather than propelling him toward his wife. The God-given sex drive is meant to keep us together and move us toward each other when everything within us might like to do otherwise. At its best, it drives us to each other, provides life and excitement, while building an intimate bond that can be the reboot key for many of our daily struggles and conflicts.
Many sexually fulfilling moments with a spouse have been missed because a man took his pornography and himself in hand and produced a climax on his own. With his physical drive for her satiated, he has no need to pursue, court or woo her, resulting in a stagnant relationship void of romance and rich sexual intimacy. If all sexual gratification is known by her, approved by her, and involves her, his treatment of her in and out of bed will be quite different than it was during the days of his quick fix, instant solution to sexual gratification mentality.
Pornography is a bad idea because it turns women into body parts without a soul. They become objects of pleasure to be used for male gratification. Each objectifying view of a woman on a page leads to treating women in person as objects as well. A man develops a one-dimensional view of a female and begins to relate to her with little regard to her feelings or views. It makes the marriage more about him than her, as he sees her as less than an equal. All sense of mutuality is lost and his demands increase, while her resentments of him escalate. It is no wonder that she then goes shopping on the Internet for a man who will treat her like a real woman and give her a sense of connection and personhood.
Recently, I watched a video of “man-on-the-street” interviews that asked what was and was not considered cheating. Those interviewed were unanimous in their belief that if there was no sexual touching, it was not really considered cheating. They were very wrong. Body parts never have to meet and hands never have to touch for a heart to cheat.
Pornography cheats a woman of her security in knowing that she is the only one he will ever approach for sexual fulfillment and security. It cheats the couple out of a growing bond of deep intimacy from fully knowing each other. It cheats a man out of his sexual competency and robs him of his desire to pursue his wife in every way she loves to be pursued. Finally, it cheats a man out of his ability to stand clean before his Lord, knowing he is a man of character and integrity. When the heart cheats with pornography, everyone is robbed of the ideal that God designed for us all.
Most men who go to a Christian counselor because of pornography either wish they did not feel the need for it, or at least feel bad about using it. Given the prevalence of its use, it would seem appropriate to ask any man seeking help in other areas about his use of pornography. A general question like, “Do you use pornography more than you think is healthy for your marriage—on a regular basis, often, seldom, or never?” If there is a positive response to any of these options, a good follow-up question is, “Do you think it helps or hurts your marriage?” Whether the answer is yes or no, this can be followed by your belief, if it is your belief, that you do not think it is a good idea for men to use pornography and then use some, or all, of the reasons I have noted above. Then ask the client to go on a pornography fast for 30 days to see if it impacts the marriage.Take help from telephone therapist .
There is a final concern that men using pornography need to consider. In Ephesians 5, we are called to love our wives and lay down our lives for them the same way Christ laid down his life for us. It is in losing our lives that we find the life God intended. Losing pornography and cleaning up this area of cheating can begin a whole new life full of meaning, purpose, and rich connection with God—and with a wife.
